Super Bowl waste of time, and most of the commercials sucked a lot, too

Jeff and the Fresh Prints Jeff
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So when did all the real NFL players go on strike? That game was
a bigger waste of time than my History 1C lecture. The only good
players were on defense, including MVP Ray Lewis. But after the
carnage where Baltimore killed the Giants 34-7, Lewis said he was
not involved and was simply an innocent bystander.

Usually the MVP gets to do the “I’m going to
Disneyland” commercial, but Disney picked quarterback Trent
Dilfer instead, showing that even players who aren’t good at
football can become football heroes.

And congratulations to ex-Bruin Jonathan Ogden and ex-Trojan
Jason Sehorn for helping Baltimore win.

The most offense came at halftime when rock legends Aerosmith
played with *NSYNC. Really, I was offended and hurt by it. When
Steven Tyler belted out “walk this way,” I saw him look
at Lance Bass and point offstage. Because when the cheerleaders are
more masculine than the all-male band, something is wrong. The
Backstreet Boys were also there to sing the National Anthem, so it
was cool that they had time to change into their *NSYNC outfits by
halftime. I wonder what genius booked the boy bands to perform at
the most testosterone-filled event of the year. In a related story,
Larry Flynt and Stone Cold Steve Austin signed on to join
“The View.”

Since the game sucked, I was hoping the commercials would be
good. Nope. These companies paid $2.3 million and I still
don’t want to buy their products. Here’s a run-down of
the commercials.

E*Trade had the top ads again this year. The best ad symbolized
the fall of the dot-coms. They used a monkey riding a horse, and
anything with a monkey is always great, which is my advice for the
week. If you’re going on a date or a job interview or need to
clean your apartment, bring a monkey along and you’ll be
fine. The commercial was clever and it’s always fun to get a
kick out of the demise of others, including failed Pets.com and its
“Triumph the Insult-Comic Dog” rip-off sock puppet.

The Budweiser commercial where a bunch of white yuppies picked
up the phone yelling, “What are you doing?” was good. I
like when white guys are mocked for trying to act black while
actually acting extremely white. Word to your mother, G.

Budweiser scored again in the ad where a guy goes into the
kitchen for a Bud Light. He dances back to his female friend, and
the beer explodes on the girl’s face as he opens it. Now
that’s humor, folks.

The worst commercial was the EDS “Running of the
Squirrels.” Hey, EDS, we saw that commercial last year with
cats. And c’mon, I see squirrels all the time and I know they
don’t act that way. There’s no reason for people to run
from squirrels, because they’re so small and furry and
squirrel-like. I mean, I’ve had squirrels run after me on
Bruin Walk, and I don’t even get very scared. So, EDS, get
serious and read a book about squirrels.

Levis’ zipper was down when it approved its commercial of
the EMT transplanting a pair of jeans from a dead kid to another
kid. That’s really funny. I just wonder if the jeans were a
stiff fit. Yeah, that’s not funny either.

The best part of the Super Bowl came when it was all over, and
Survivor 2 came on. There’s no Colleen, but there is
Elisabeth, who may be the long-lost twin of UCLA runner Christina
Bowen. The first survivor kicked off was 45-year-old Debb, who
became an honorary New York Giant after getting humiliated in front
of the nation.