Out with old, in with wishful expectations for sports in ’01

  Adam Karon Karon hopes that someone
besides his mom reads and responds to his columns this year. He can
be reached at [email protected].

The year 2000 was a beautiful one for the world of sports. The
Sydney Olympics, a Subway Series in New York, and five UCLA
national championships contributed to making 2000 a flashy,
intriguing, and all-around memorable year.

Unfortunately, as I sat at home on New Year’s Eve
contemplating the new millennium, I realized that 2001 could be a
letdown year. Never mind the fact that I was home on New
Year’s Eve. I was more concerned about what we face heading
into the real start of the 21st century. Like the Bruin basketball
loss to the University of Detroit in 1999, I feared that the new
year might provide for disappointment and failed expectations. I
tried to make a New Year’s resolution not to let this happen,
but we all know that New Year’s resolutions, like Evil
Knievel’s ribs, are meant to be broken.

To console myself, and those of you who feel similarly, I have
compiled a list of things that would make 2001 faster, stronger,
and even better looking. While they are about as likely to happen
as a Rae Carruth acquittal, sometimes it is nice to dream.

First, announcers and sportswriters will never make another
hanging chad, pregnant chad, election recount, or Florida voting
joke.

ABC will fire Dennis Miller and his incoherent ramblings from
their Monday night program. If they are set on employing a
comedian, they could at least find one with more of an athletic
background such as Adam Sandler (see “Happy Gilmore”).
While they’re at it, why not have the Wayans Brothers replace
the rest of the Monday Night cast.

Mike Tyson will spend more time with children’s
organizations, provided that he eats before seeing the kids and as
long as he promises to leave his ketchup and bib at home.

Tiger Woods will realize he is dominating the spotlight and will
decide to share the wealth with rest of the PGA tour golfers. His
dad will still cry for a piece of the tour’s profits.

USC will increase security around campus so a student can jog
the perimeter without getting shot. Joggers would be required to
wear a sandwich board reading, “student carries less than $20
after 9 p.m.”

Hopefully many of us will get our acts together and watch more
of the “minor sports” (not football or men’s
basketball) here at UCLA. We have the opportunity to watch
world-class athletes for free at many of the on-campus events.

Major league baseball will sink to the bottom of the sports
world, dragged down by a heavy gold chain with the initials AR
outlined in diamond studs. Alex Rodrigue$ and Manny Ramire$ will be
charged with its death, and Darren “My ERA is higher than my
paycheck” Dreifort will be charged as an accomplice. However,
future hall-of-famers Kirby Puckett and Dave Winfield will come out
of retirement, and with the help of Steve Sax and Kirk Gibson,
revive our nation’s pastime. Gibson will remove the wad of
tobacco from his cheek before giving MLB mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

Despite what you have read, Freddie Mitchell will return to
UCLA. He will win the Biletnikoff Award, but will have such an
outstanding season that they will rename it the Freddie Mitchell
Award for the true best receiver in the nation. C’mon
Freddie, what’ya say to another year of ghetto-fabulous
football at UCLA? It’s not too late to change your mind. Is
it?

Jim Everett will come out of retirement to lead the Los Angeles
Xtreme to the XFL championship. After that, he will rejoin the
Rams, move them back to LA, and add “greatest comeback player
of all time” to his “greatest quarterback of all
time” title.

Allen Iverson will switch music genres to become one of the
greatest falsettos of all time, and if he’s not careful, one
of the greatest castratos ever. Rasheed Wallace will take up ice
skating, getting high scores on the technical aspects of the event.
Karl Malone will grow his beard, don a wig and star in
“Fiddler on the Roof.” J.R. Rider will enroll in Hooked
on Phonics and read an entire book without pictures.

A new religion will be created called Lemieauxdaism. It will
rise from the ashes of Gretzkianity. Followers will wear
ice-skates, black and yellow sweaters, and change their middle
names to Jaromir after the new religion’s high priest. In
addition to securing the attention of a nation that cannot follow a
puck past the blue line, their spiritual leader will find the cure
to herpes, walk on water (frozen), and play hockey until he is
93.

Proposed plans to tear up the intramural field might not be that
bad if it happens next year. Simply spray down the torn field with
water, and start another flag football season. We all know that
football is better when you add mud. Heck, you could probably sell
tickets to the championship game. And you could definitely sell
tickets to the sorority games.

Have no fear, 2001 is here. Like a little Roger Clemens
chin-music it cannot be avoided, so we might as well sit back and
enjoy what the future holds.