Misguided jealousy rooted in lack of confidence

  Brenden Nemeth-Brown Nemeth-Brown is an
economics and political science student who enjoys long walks on
the beach. E-mail him at [email protected].
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It sneaks up on you, carefully wrapping its wire around your
heart and mind. All of a sudden, you feel consumed with a paranoia
fueled by envy, fear and uncertainty. The feeling swells from a
warm place just below your heart, and rushes straight to your
brain.

This may sound familiar to most of you. Whether it be a
competitor for affection or an ambitious colleague, the feeling of
jealousy is as hurtful as it is consuming. We all would like to
believe we are immune from it but its presence is as apparent today
as it has ever been.

Upon examination of its causes, it seems that jealousy is a
direct bi-product of insecurity. Let’s say, for example, your
boyfriend cheats on you. Anger may be the first emotion you feel.
Although it is possible to suppress this feeling, it may be
involuntary for the majority of people. Then, you attempt to assess
blame. Often enough, the other woman is blamed, not the man. This
seems ridiculous, for the “other woman” has no
relationship with you and no accountability to you for her actions.
She is not the one who is breaking your understanding or
commitment.

I remember watching a Jerry Springer episode where a woman
follows the “other woman” to a laundromat, starts
fighting with her, and finally steals her clothes. She throws them
into the street as passing cars drive by. While I admit that I was
first amused by her reaction, I realized that this type of jealousy
is counterproductive. It does not erase the transgression the
boyfriend committed; it only relives it. While there may be a sense
of recaptured pride by hurting the woman that indirectly hurt you,
you are only making the situation worse. It may seem therapeutic,
but an independent act of aggression only makes you a sadist.

It seems jealousy is first caused by fear ““ fear of losing
your boyfriend or afraid he is entertaining romantic images with
another woman in his mind. But why be fearful? This does two
things: 1) It gives the man the power in the relationship, for it
shows that you still care, are not sure of yourself and blame
others rather than him. 2) You indirectly excuse him of his actions
by giving him the power in the relationship.

  Illustration by JENNY YURSHANSKY/Daily Bruin Finally, you
are only afraid if you are insecure ““ insecure of who you
are, insecure of your relationship and insecure of the possible
ramifications. Once you realize you cannot change what has already
happened, you start to become more confident. Jealousy can induce a
feeling of loss of control over a situation, but once you realize
you could have never controlled it from the beginning, you start to
feel better. It is certainly better than going out of your way to
lash out at the person who hurt you.

This may sound as if I’m preaching, or that I’ve
known this all along and the rest of you have been in the dark
until I cared to enlighten you. Well, I just want to let you know
that I too have these feelings, although I’d like to think
not on the same scale as I did before.

Recently, it became very apparent to me that the one quality
needed for living a happy life is letting go. Sometimes it just
isn’t worth the effort to always try to win at everything.
You appear as a bully and overbearing.

There is a fine line between caring and caring too much.
Obviously, no one is so cerebral that he or she can stop all
emotions and make completely clean, rational decisions and arrest
the feeling of jealousy in its tracks. That would not be human.

Taking a breath and stepping back, however, affords you more
insight than you might think. Instead of relying on your gut
instincts and letting anger control your behavior, you can make a
decision that is best for your overall mental health.

We live in a country where retribution and revenge go hand in
hand. Many times, our collective wish to “teach someone a
lesson” is based on anger and less on prudent thought. So,
when jealous thoughts permeate your mind, you can only think of how
to get back at the person who caused you harm, not what is the best
available option for you now.

While writing this, a certain individual who inevitably loves
chiding me made the point that jealousy is in fact wanting to
switch places with your competitor. While there may be an element
of truth to this statement, I believe it misses the mark. Jealousy
is a much more general feeling than this. You can be jealous of
someone while being content with your life. You can even be jealous
of someone whose life you would not want.

While you may not be totally secure with yourself, you can still
manifest the emotion of jealousy by wanting the other person to be
less happy than you. For a slight ego boost, you may desire someone
else to go unfulfilled so you can bask in an afterglow.

With all this said, my point is that jealousy impedes the
process of accumulating self-confidence. Many men, myself included,
have an intense jealousy of peers who make more money than they do.
I can remember working at Circuit City, and being consumed by
jealousy when a co-worker made a big sale. More than most jobs, my
job was completely and unabashedly about making money.

While I’d like to dispel the myth that salesmen are sharks
who will lie to you to make money, I will not deny that we are
consumed with an unhealthy desire to make money. It is one of the
reasons I no longer work there. Although I was highly compensated
for my work, my overall demeanor progressively got worse each day
due to a mounting jealousy for co-workers that made more money than
I.

In summation, I want to divide the blame for jealousy equally
between men and women. Although I believe we may have our slight
differences over what makes us jealous, it is unproductive in both
cases. It seems so natural to want to be better than someone, or to
be more desired or more wealthy or more anything for that matter.
We only think that it’s natural, however, because we see it
manifested throughout our culture on a daily basis.

Social symbols of dominance, whether it be a hot girlfriend or a
BMW, inspire jealousy in all who are not so fortunate to have
attained such symbols. So, the next time you see that feeling work
its way into your mind, dilating your pupils with rage and envy,
remember that the situation may be out of your control. A lifetime
is short enough as it is; don’t spend it blindly groping at
the things you cannot change.