Say goodbye to Hackett; he won’t be there much longer
By Daily Bruin Staff
Nov. 16, 2000 9:00 p.m.
 Jeff Kmiotek After the game, it’s a
victory party at Jeff’s place. E-mail him at [email protected].
Dear Coach Paul Hackett,
As tomorrow’s game will surely be your last in the Pac-10,
I wanted to wish you a fond farewell. I have enjoyed your stay in
Los Angeles, especially the way you drove USC into the ground,
making them the biggest joke in college football.
Your achievements as a coach are unprecedented, as it takes a
special coach to lead the mighty and talented Trojans to a 1-6
Pac-10 mark. And I know it’s not all your doing, as you
commonly attribute the team’s record to your players and let
them take all of the credit.
Your last-place record isn’t all that makes you unique.
It’s the way you coach your team to lose. It’s the
countless penalties, the laughable fumbles, the mostly obvious and
often ridiculous play-calling, having the wrong players on the
field, and punting and attempting PATs at the wrong times. Now, I
don’t mean to kick you when you’re down, but maybe
you’ll learn something about kicking. Finally, I understand
you have been under a great deal of pressure, as the polls and your
pompous fans expected a run at the national championship this year.
So I applaud your attitude that winning isn’t everything.
As a going-away gift to you, the rest of this column will be a
portrait of why your life will be merrier when you are no longer
associated with the Trojans.
Sincerely, Jeff Kmiotek
It’s good to be a Bruin. This year the Trojans have become
easier to pick on then their cornerbacks. Their offense has
sputtered like a Pinto missing a muffler and their defense has
stopped as many runners as a fourth-grade hall monitor. It’s
harder to get through Bruin Walk than USC’s defensive front.
The Trojans’ special teams have been anything but, and their
coach hasn’t done that either. Their quarterback was supposed
to be the next coming, but tomorrow he’ll be coming from the
bench after getting pulled at halftime last week. And then
there’s the fans, who have been as non-existent as the
kicking game lately. Only 40,565 showed up last week, making the
Coliseum look as incomplete as a typical Carson Palmer pass. And
that total was probably inflated, like an “˜SC sorority
girl’s chest.
Even the referees are having a hard time. Their arms are
continuously raised during games, not because of a touchdown, but
as a result of boredom. And they might as well skip the National
Anthem because there are more than enough flags being waved by the
refs.
So while the Trojans are less potent than your grandpa without
Viagra, tomorrow’s game is still big. I was at the rally on
Wednesday night, and it’s good to see the fans are pumped up.
I also saw some Trojans there, who must have heard there was a USC
bonfire going on. The Rally Committee should have painted a goal
line at the entrance to the IM field. That would have surely kept
the Trojans out.
Recently, I asked for some acronyms for USC. Here are some
responses: U. of Second Class, U. of Seasoned Criminals, Uzis
Shotguns and Chains, U. of Skanky Chicks, Unlimited Supply of
Crack, U. of Scholastic Clowns, U. of Silicone Chests and U. of
South Central. Thanks to Patrick, Trisha, Annubruin and my mom.
USC’s stupidity isn’t just confined to the football
field. Andrea pointed out in an e-mail that when a student
transfers from UCLA to USC, the IQ of both schools is raised. And
John recently e-mailed that the only thing common to Bruins and
Trojans is that they both got into USC.
Everyone knows about UCLA’s dominance in the 90’s,
but it goes beyond that. The Bruins hold the series edge in the
last 50 years as well. And tomorrow, once the ringing in Carson
Palmer’s head wears off, the ringing of the Victory Bell will
echo loud and clear back at home in Westwood.
So when the clock runs out and the Bruins win, I predict by 73
points, have fun, revel in the excitement, put on your goggles and
rush the field. DeShaun Foster wants you to and so do I. Because as
Bruins, we should all take part in the dismantling of Troy.
