Athletes should enter race for president, lend skills to politics

  Adam Karon Karon is an absentee voter
from Palm Beach Florida who was confused and wrote in Frank Viola
for president. Send hate mail to [email protected]. Click
Here for more articles by Adam Karon

The votes are cast, the ballots counted, and the whole process
is about as clean as an Andrew Golota boxing match. Lost ballots,
corrupt officials, universal dissatisfaction: this is the sort of
thing that happens at a Colorado vs. Missouri football game. But
aside from the voting controversy, I have another problem with the
elections this year.

Frankly, I’m not impressed with either of the major
candidates. I’m sure they’d both do an average job, but
they will not be running an average country. This is the U.S. of A,
not only the most powerful nation in the world, but more
importantly the most athletically dominant.

The two major candidates do not represent their country. Bush is
the most famous batboy ever to grace the roster of the esteemed
Yale freshman baseball team, while Gore spent a year picking
splinters from his rear while riding the pine for the Harvard
University basketball team.

Hardly the type of athletes you’d want representing a
country that routinely dominates every sport that doesn’t
involve tiny shorts and a black and white ball.

So with that in mind, I’ve compiled a list of sports
personalities I would like to see run for president.

Before I proceed, let me say that the whole natural citizenship
and age requirement must be eliminated. Also, my candidate might
not even be alive, but if Missouri can elect a deceased governor,
why not elect a deceased president?

In addition, none of the people I am about to name attended Ivy
League schools. They did not grow up with a crude oil-covered spoon
in their mouth, wet the beds of the White House as a tot, or trade
baseball teams instead of baseball cards. But most would be more
experienced and much better suited to handle the questioning that
follows a Monica Lewinsky-esque scandal.

So without further adieu, here is my custom made ticket for the
2000 election:

Jim Everett ““ The world’s greatest quarterback of
all time would undoubtedly make the world’s best president of
all time. In addition, imagine his efficiency when the United
States Marine Corps provides more protection than the 1990 Los
Angeles Rams offensive line.

Marion Jones ““ It’s about time we had a female
president. And how cool would it be to say, “Our president
won more gold medals then your president!”? Can you dig
it?

Shaquille O’Neal ““ He’s already called himself
“Man of Steel,” “The Diesel,” and
“The Big Aristotle.” Why not add, “Chief of
State,” “Chief Diplomat,” “Commander in
Chief,” etc.? Besides, if Shaq were elected, you know
we’d all be getting those free Krispy Kremes the UCLA
football team has been depriving us of all year.

Cade McNown ““ Hey, two years ago you all would have agreed
with me. Besides, Heather Kozar is a little better looking than
Tipper.

Al del Greco-Al Gore (enter Twilight Zone music).

Mike Tyson ““ Sure his State of the Union Address might be
hard to swallow. “The current sthate of the union ith not
good. You jutht don’t underthtand what it ith like to have
thith much power. I’m jutht too powerful.” But he would
undoubtedly end world hunger. The next time there is a famine in
Sudan, Tyson would simply send a few cases of human ears and a
savory box of Lennox Lewis’ children.

Brandi Chastain ““ I can see it now. Win election ““
rip off shirt. Re-open contact with Cuba ““ rip off shirt.
Solve Middle East crisis ““ rip off shirt. Imagine how her
campaign speeches would end.

Heidi Klum ““ She qualifies, I swear; she appears in Sports
Illustrated.

Yogi Berra ““ Because politics are 90-percent mental, the
other 50-percent is physical.

Homer Bush ““ A couple of years ago a backup second baseman
named Bush made $500,000 while doing nothing with the New York
Yankees. From 1989 to 1998 a rich daddy’s boy named Bush made
$14 million while doing nothing with the Texas Rangers.

Jim Kelly ““ The former Buffalo Bills’ quarterback is
the William Jennings Bryan and Henry Clay of the NFL. If he
can’t win a Super Bowl, the least we could do is let him win
a presidential election.

Scott Norwood ““ If you want a president who leans to the
right, he’s your man.

Secratariet ““ Imagine this: “The election is neck
and neck, coming around the Florida peninsula. Secratariet on the
inside, Gore moves to the outside, with Bush bringing up the rear.
Down the back stretch here they come, it’s Gore, Bush and
Secratariet.” OK, so maybe it would be hard to get him to
throw out the first pitch at an Oriole’s game, but at least
his daughter is better looking than Chelsea.

So far we’ve had a president who shot someone (Andrew
Jackson), a president who puked on someone (George Bush), and a
president who was very innovative with a certain tobacco product
(Bill Clinton). So what, I have a friend named Jeff who can do all
that and still have time for a diplomatic headbutt or two.

How about George Murasan, everyone’s favorite giant; Eddie
Gaedel, everyone’s favorite midget; or Pete Rose,
everyone’s favorite gambler? I can see it now. “Hey
Arafat, I’ll give you 7-1 odds that there will be peace by
the turn of the next millennium.”

Either way you look at it, this country needs a president with
the sort of skills that come naturally to top athletes. Toughness,
cooperation, the ability to have multiple children out of wedlock,
and perhaps most importantly, that special drive and determination
which produces such stellar holdouts as Joey Galloway and J.D.
Drew.

Perhaps the best way to settle the presidential race would be to
simply have Bush and Gore wrestle it out in a swamp in Florida. My
money’s on Bush, after all, his brother would probably
appoint the ref.