Trojans prepare for Halloween with scary play, dead-end ways

  Jeff Kmiotek Send comments, questions
and jokes to [email protected].
Humor me.

For Halloween last night, I was going to be a USC kicker, but I
didn’t want to choke on my candy. I was going to be Paul
Hackett, but I didn’t want to slip and fall into the gutter.
I was going to be Carson Palmer, but they don’t sell hype at
Aahs. I was going to be an “˜SC fan, but I figured I would
just sit at home and think of how good Halloween was back in the
’70s. The Trojans, however, were very prepared for Halloween.
Their play has been frightening, they’ve been hearing lots of
boos and they have pretended to be football players all season.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; USC lost its fifth straight game, a 28-16
defeat to Cal, to remain winless in the Pac-10. Some call USC the
“Toe-jams,” but I don’t think that’s fair
to toe jam. There are many reasons for USC’s failure this
season, one being the kicking game. The Trojan kickers have
converted PAT’s like Shaq makes free throws. They’ve
nailed just 13 of 21 attempts, gimmees for most teams. The most
successful kick for USC, however, will be when coach Hackett gets
booted out of town. “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; Imagine if the Trojans
came into the Rose Bowl on Nov. 17 winless in the Pac-10. …
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; Meanwhile, the Bruins battled injuries and
a hostile stadium to return to their winning ways. You may have
never heard of Kory Lombard, Saia Makakaufaki, Steve Morgan or
Stephen Sua, but the back-ups stepped up on Saturday. With all the
injuries, the Bruins have been survivors of sorts, but unlike Rich
and Rudy, it may get them on the island instead of off it. If UCLA
finishes in fourth or fifth place in the Pac-10, a good
possibility, they’ll be doing the Jingle Bell Rock in Hawaii.
“¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; Ricky Manning Jr. proved that the first
three letters of his name say enough, and I don’t mean
“ric.” “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; The Bruins play Saturday
at the Rose Bowl against Stanford, and with a 5-3 record, the team
hopes you’ll show up. “Come out and support us. We love
your energy. We’re gonna put it down,” said Marques
Anderson. “We need the Bruin fans to get wild and support
us,” said Audie Attar. “Be ready and cheer. Whenever we
can get a packed house, we can pick up our play,” said Ryan
Nece. “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; And this from an e-mail sent by UCLA
senior Roy Matayoshi: “Students, we need to have fanatic
spirit. We need to get crazy. We need to get loud. We need you to
show up! We make the difference in a game. We are the 12th
Bruin!” “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull; Bad rap albums have stopped
being made, illegitimate children are popping up and tattoo parlors
are running out of ink. You betcha, it’s time for the NBA.
Yesterday was opening day, and while my deadline was before the
Laker-Trailblazer battle, I do know it was a good game with plays
and Shaq missed a free throw and Rasheed Wallace got mad and that
team from the West coast took the victory. “¢bull; “¢bull; “¢bull;
Most of the Lakers have made rap albums, so I thought it’d be
fitting to come up with a rap of my own about the Lakers. I call it
the “Lake Show Flow.”

Shaq Attack’s back to lead the pack, take a look at that
Laker girl’s rack. He throws free throws out of whack, but
still scores more than Bayside’s Zach. Kobe Bryant’s
tall and lean, with a shot as pure as A.C. Green. Gots the hops
you’d expect from a trampoline, gets on streaks that are
hotter than Survivor’s Colleen. Isaiah “JR” Rider
was quite a find, if only he can show up at games on time, Ron
Harper may be past his prime, but he’s still got skills to
drop a dime. Horace Grant’s sure to secure the blocks, Brian
Shaw can spot up like the chicken pox, Then there’s the
forward with the weavy locks, Mr. Vanessa Williams ““ ya know
it’s Rick Fox. Robert Horry sprays treys from the wing, And
Mark Madson ““ hustle he’ll bring, Phil Jackson will do
his Zen thing, as the Los Angeles Lakers win another ring. I told
you that I won’t stop. I told you that I won’t stop.
Word.

The USC joke of the week: How many Trojans does it take to
change a flat tire? One. Unless it’s a blow-out. Then the
whole team shows up.