Hollywood’s current crop fails to scare moviegoers

  Emilia Hwang

In October of 2000, two UCLA students disappeared in the woods
near Van Nuys, Calif. while writing a story. Three days later,
their notes were found.

“We’re not lost. I don’t need directions
““ I’m a man.”

Famous last words.

The two travellers dressed warm and brought flashlights, but
that did not prepare them for the horrors that awaited them beyond
the entrance gates to the Lost Adventures Corn Maze.

So you’ve never been to a corn maze, eh? Well, allow me to
enlighten you. It’s eight terrifying acres of corn shaped
like the bear from the California state flag. The convoluted
pathways inside the maze are approximately five and a half miles in
length, (the correct path about one and a half miles long).

You enter the maze and you are immediately consumed by corn
stalks. Suddenly, you feel them closing in on you. You can’t
see through the corn jungle. You can hardly breathe.

All you have for protection is the useless safety flag they
carelessly handed you at the corn maze orientation. You can flail
it around all you like.

But remember: No one can see you wave your flag … in the
maize.

Who am I kidding? The maze was cake. In the beginning,
you’re given a chance to look at the blueprint of the maze.
Additionally, while you are given a blank map to start, 10 pieces
of the map are missing and you can collect one at each checkpoint
you find.

So my trusty sidekick and I navigated our way through the rough
terrain of the corn field with the ease of intrepid maze
masters.

I have to say that I was slightly disappointed to discover that
our corn maze experience would not hold a candle to “The
Blair Witch Project,” and it certainly wouldn’t be of
“Children of the Corn” proportions.

Unlike the 1988 classic horror flick, there was no malevolent
force in the corn fields of Woodley Park. There weren’t even
any of the town’s children to kill all the grownups. Talk
about low budget.

The scariest thing about the corn maze was the trivia you had to
answer at each check point.

Questions like “How many days did it take for the Grand
Bear Maze to grow from day of planting to day of cutting ““ in
days, hours and years?” sent chills down my spine.

Though it was dark, we never slipped in the muddy patches.
Despite the cold night air, we never had to build a fire. Though we
were surrounded by corn, there was no popcorn for miles.

Not to mention, we never got lost. I think a part of me wanted
my partner in crime to feel the emasculation of having to admit
that he had no idea where we were (this is a guy who gets
disoriented in the mall). But above all, there was the part of me
that felt the need for a good scare.

Our journey, however, was not a “lost adventure”
like the name promised. It was more like a tame excursion of
after-school special proportions.

Moreover, it doesn’t take much to spook the timid and
jumpy little girl in me. So it’s a wonder that she’s
been left unfulfilled by both the corn maize, as well as the scary
movie world of late.

Now all you need to make a scary movie is a 16mm camera, a Hi8
video camera, and a DAT recorder that will disorient audiences with
nauseating footage.

It’s no wonder the shaking bed and spinning head of
“The Exorcist” has been brought back to the big screen.
The 1973 horror classic has grossed over $24 million at the box
office in its rerelease so far.

Since horror flicks these days aren’t what they used to
be, I felt an overwhelming urge to create my own real life
scream-a-thon.

The corn maze, however, couldn’t deliver the same chilling
sensation of a graphic exorcism. Like all our nation’s ills,
my disappointment had to be blamed on Hollywood.

The movies promise adventure around every corner. You pick up
the phone and there’s a stalker on the other end. Urban
legends are revisited, and you drive home from the theater checking
your rearview mirror for an axe-murderer in the back seat.

I’m not complaining, but I’ve never woken up to find
my liver cut out after drinking the night away. I guess that kind
of stuff only happens in the movies.

I don’t want to write off the corn maze as a total loss,
however, since it taught me a valuable lesson. While movies may
mirror many aspects of our lives, we can’t expect to base our
life experiences on them.

Perhaps it was wrong of me to anticipate that I would find
terrifying children of the corn in the maze. The only children in
this corn field held hands with parents who guided them through the
Grand Bear.

So enough of this real-life adventurer stuff for me. I think
this Friday the 13th, I’m going to stay at home and let the
professionals scare the living daylights out of me. Jason will be
there and there will be loads of popcorn.

If you want to spook Hwang, shock her with the fact that you
read her column and e-mail your thoughts to [email protected].