Conspiracy explains Shaq’s free throw success

As a columnist, it is my job to come up with fresh angles on the
world of sports. Or when all else fails, just get by on bad
puns.

While I always have an idea of what to write, I certainly get a
lot of suggestions from my friends.

The most recent topic suggested to me was the Lakers’ run
for their first world championship in 11 years in the 2000 NBA
playoffs.

“Come on man, Kobe is dope! And Shaq just doesn’t
miss his free throws.”

So how in the world did this happen? The Diesel is seemingly no
longer susceptible to inanimate objects. I smell a conspiracy
theory.

Like a gunman from the grassy knoll, it seems strangely clear
exactly how this happened.

If you remember, Portland defeated the Jazz before playing the
Lakers, ending Utah’s chance for a title. Upset at the
Blazers for swiping their Centrum Silver before the game, they
decided to get even.

So Jeff Hornacek and John Stockton secretly taught Shaq how to
hit free throws. Thus, in the next round, Portland would be
overwhelmed and at long last Karl Malone could call up Brain Grant
to go golfing.

It all makes perfect sense. In game one, Shaq started off the
game bricking his free throws left and right, bricking like a
fox!

Apparently, Shaq was merely lying in wait, preparing to doom
Portland at the right time. And just as he stepped up at the end of
game one, so did he deliver throughout game four and at times in
game five.

Since Shaq has apparently solved his free throw problem, the
Lakers still seem in line for a championship.

But before everyone races to eBay to try and fetch themselves
commemorative items for the Lakers championship, hold on just a
second.

Should the Lakers go to the Finals, they don’t even know
who they’re playing yet.

In the East, the main thrust of this series seems to be how
healthy New York is. The more “Knicked-up” they are,
the better they play. Without Patrick Ewing, and with Latrell
Sprewell and Marcus Camby playing hurt, the Knicks fended off
Indiana down the stretch Monday afternoon.

But what happens when the Knicks get healthy? Suddenly, they are
not expected to fold, and so continuing with their theme, they will
do just that ““ promptly pull a Ripley’s and fall to the
outside game of Sam Perkins (a.k.a. the Big Smooth) and Chris
Mullin. I swear, if they would just give Mully some quality
minutes… (I’m sorry, it’s that Golden State pride I
have).

Come to think of it, this could be the only weak link remaining
for the Lakers, as not one of their players used to don the Warrior
duds.

Last year both finalists had former Warriors on their roster,
and in fact San Antonio held a slim 2-1 edge, thanks to Avery
Johnson’s brief stint in Oakland, to complement Mario
Elie.

Actually, when the Knicks made that trade for Sprewell, they
didn’t do it to get one of the best defenders in the NBA or
an intense offensive presence.

They did it to get their hands on a former Warrior.

Consider this core of talent if the Warriors could only have had
a little foresight. Tim Hardaway, Vince Carter, Chris Webber,
Latrell Sprewell and Anfernee Hardaway have all been Warriors for
some amount of time.

Let’s face it: you’re not a star until you’ve
been cast aside by the Bay Area version of the Clippers.

A brief look at L.A.’s run through the playoffs displays
the two players that have given them the biggest problems: Webber
and Penny Hardaway.

Now granted, Hardaway was a Warrior for about as long as Right
Said Fred was popular, but that small amount of time spent as a
member of Golden State impressed upon Penny the desire to beat
L.A.

Now that the Lakers are one step away from another championship
season, quite possibly the man to stand in their way is the M in
“Run TMC”: Chris Mullin.

So for all the fuss over Hack-a-Shaq and Kobe’s
acrobatics, it will really come down to how well the Lakers can
contain those pesky former Warriors.