Bridging a Gap

By Dharshani Dharmawardena

Daily Bruin Contributor

Living in a suburb of San Francisco saturated with American pop
culture, second-year math student Leanne Dare never saw many
Chinese Americans outside of her family.

Then one day, her mother Mary took Leanne and her sister to
Chinatown.

“Looking around her, Leanne said, “˜Mom! All these
people are Chinese,'” Mary said with a laugh.

Having been born and raised in the United States, Leanne and
many Asian Americans like her confront the issue of balancing their
Asian heritages with their American lifestyles.

As a third-generation Chinese American, Leanne went to a high
school whose population was 10 percent Asian American. Because her
parents were second generation, she never learned Chinese, or many
traditionally Chinese customs.

Through her grandparents’ influence, Leanne grew up
continuing some customs such as celebrating Chinese New Year,
though adapting the tradition to cater to family living far
away.

“We find the closest weekend (to Chinese New Year) so that
everyone can be there,” she said.

According to Leanne, her family had expected the children to
attend college, an expectation similar to many families’
ideals for their children.

“We’ve always had a college fund,” Leanne
said. “It was just concentrating on getting there.”

To Mary, seeing her daughters receive a good college education
remained the most important point.

“That is basically what we want,” she said.
“We’re not restricting them.”

Now that Leanne has started to date, her mother said both she
and her husband realize that Leanne may date others outside her
race.

“As parents, I would have to respect them in that and hope
they make the right decision,” Mary said.

While Leanne affirmed her parents’ open-mindedness, she
recalled one time when the family discussed her dating someone
outside her race.

“In talking to them, they were really open to it,”
Leanne said. “But just having to talk to them about it, I
knew there was a small gap.”

Because she knows little about her heritage, her mother said
Leanne has recently tried to learn more, using college as a source
to discover information about her heritage.

“She’ll ask her grandparents,” Mary said.
“And if they don’t know the answer, Leanne would go and
try to find out for herself.”

Both her daughters, to Mary’s delight, have expressed
interests in learning about their backgrounds. She said she hoped
the two could learn Chinese.

While Leanne said she has always maintained good relationships
with her parents, other students, such as Christina Iskandar, find
some friction with their first-generation parents.

Hailing from an Indonesian family, Christina said she found more
conflicts with her parents in the education realm than in anything
else.

“They would say things like “˜So-and-so got all
A’s, why don’t you get all A’s?'” she
said. “It was more academic pressure than
personality.”

Recently, Christina changed her educational goals to pursue a
degree in political science with a minor in English.

“My whole family was silent,” she said with a
laugh.

According to Christina, her parents would only approve of
scientific majors.

“To them, that’s the only way you can succeed in
life ““ to become a doctor or an engineer,” she
said.

Since coming to UCLA, Christina said she has tried to avoid both
joining cliques and being labeled.

“I think I’ve tried too hard to stay away from that
stereotype,” she said. “I’ve tried to assimilate
myself to “˜white culture.'”

Instead of constraining her options by sticking to one group,
Christina said she has befriended a variety of people.

“I have a good mix of friends. They’re not
predominately one thing or another,” she said.

According to Christina, her parents’ openness to her
having a variety of friends helped sustain a common ground with her
parents.

“I think my parents are really cool in that they
didn’t make me have just Asian friends,” she said.

Although she has created an identity for herself outside her
ethnic group, Christina has still maintained ties to her
heritage.

As an Indian American growing up in Seattle, Avanti Paranjpye, a
second-year math student, said she was always close to her
parents.

During her adolescence, Avanti said she found her parents
stricter in terms of raising their two daughters, but now have
adapted to grant both more freedom.

Rohini Paranjpye, Avanti’s mother, attributed the use of
curfew and other more traditional child-rearing techniques to their
own experiences growing up in India, where children obeyed parents
orders without question.

“It was the only way we knew,” Rohini said.

Always aware of the cultural distinction between India and the
United States, the Paranjpyes gradually adjusted their rules to
raise their children. Often, the family makes decisions on issues
such as curfews and other concerns together.

“They’re living in a different society and a
different time as well,” she said.

From her friends, Rohini said that she discovered this family
discussion concept, where families talked about what children could
and could not do and why.

In high school, Avanti said she felt the constant need to do
things her parents approved of, but she attributed the origins of
these feelings to her personality rather than any traditional or
filial pressure asserted by her parents.

“I still think about “˜what is my family going to
think of this,'” she said. “My sister, she can do
whatever she wants. I’m not as assertive.”

Unlike most of her friends of Indian origin back home, Avanti
enrolled at UCLA instead of the University of Washington in
Seattle.

According to Rohini, by enabling Avanti to attend UCLA, she and
her husband merely encouraged her independence.

“Ultimately, as an adult, you have to make your own
decisions,” Rohini said. “Somewhere physically far away
(from Seattle), Avanti could try these different avenues to figure
out what she wanted to do.”

While Paranjpye has the benefit of what her mother called
“more democratic” parents, she said some of her friends
lack the independence she enjoys.

“A lot of Indian parents want to know about every aspect
of their children’s lives,” she said. “I know
that their parents are telling them what major to do.

“I tell them about school and my health,” Avanti
continued. “I don’t need to share everything. Not
everything has to be.”

Although Avanti’s parents allowed her flexibility in
choosing a major, they asked that she picked a practical one that
could easily help find her a job. They encouraged her to pursue her
love of art outside of school.

Growing up in Seattle, Avanti missed out on some cultural
aspects of her heritage.

Particularly, Rohini said she regretted that her daughters,
having lived in the United States, have missed knowing many of
their relatives in India.

“They missed out on the extended family structure and how
close we were as an extended family,” she said.

Despite whatever tradition they’ve lost, both Rohini and
Avanti said they appreciated the relationship they share
today,which extends beyond the typical mother-daughter
relationship.

“My mom talks to me as an equal,” Avanti said.
Rohini agreed with her daughter.

“It does take some effort to keep myself from telling her
to do things,” she said with a laugh.

She also said the two were more like friends.

“And I’d rather it be that way,” Rohini
said.