‘Porn to Rock’ comes up impotent

Friday, February 19, 1999

‘Porn to Rock’ comes up impotent

MUSIC: X-rated film stars compile album, should keep day
jobs

By Brent Hopkins

Daily Bruin Staff

Pornography and music – now there’s a great combination. Porn is
the bastard cousin to regular film. Porn music is the even more
bastard-like cousin to regular music, and now there’s an album to
showcase it.

"Porn to Rock," a 13-track compilation, highlights the musical
attempts of the stars of the adult film world. Surprisingly, the
album is not overly offensive in its subject matter, with most
songs going only as far as innuendo.

What is offensive, however, is the music. The CD is nearly 45
minutes of terrible songs, with a few exceptions. The liner notes
hype the musical aptitude of the performers, but aside from
established recording artist Candye Kane, few demonstrate talent
beyond formulaic rock cliches. With skills like these, it’s easy to
see why the performers take their clothes off for a living rather
than burn up the charts.

Some songs are fairly innocuous, such as the opening cut,
Madison’s "Man on the Moon." Vaguely Indian in its sound, it melds
wah-guitar with surprisingly strong vocals to make for a decent
tune.

Hypatia Lee also turns in a decent effort with the female
empowerment anthem, "Strike Back," which recalls early ’80s hard
rock. Lee is a proficient guitarist as well as a solid singer, but
anti-government messages are perplexing, encouraging women to carry
guns and demand pornography. In spite of this misguided call for
feminine solidarity, musically, the song is tolerable. Neither song
would be notable were the musicians not porn stars,
unfortunately.

"Porn to Rock" does have some worthwhile songs, though. Most
notable is that of Candye Kane, known for her work with the
Swingin’ Armadillos. The former "fat, X-rated East L.A. welfare
mom," is now the bisexual singer-songwriter who offers fans the
winkingly sly "Meat Song." Arranged around a full-bodied saxophone,
the tune cleverly skirts the line of propriety. Kane is one of the
few artists featured who knows that the key to good songwriting
does not lie in relying on obscenity.

Geoffrey Karen Dior, the album’s only transvestite performer,
has the best track, the light dance pop tune "Little Red Riding
Hood."

Though its relatively simple arrangement will probably
disappoint most hardcore dance fans, it has an airy appeal that
makes it irresistible. An energetic drum beat, pulsing keyboards,
and sweet vocals all combine to make the song rise above its
mediocre lyrics.

These tracks are exceptions to the rule, unfortunately. The
remainder of the tunes are flat out terrible, both for their music
and content.

Johnny Toxic, described as "a runaway bus on acid, crashing off
the Golden Gate Bridge," contributes "Happy," a piece of horridly
optimistic synthesizer-driven rock. Its music is as banal as its
inane lyrics, and it becomes tiresome after the first two bars.

Toxic’s main rival in the bad music department is Vinnie SPIT,
who proudly proclaims that he wrote, arranged, performed and
produced "Asshole Man."

SPIT boasts of his ability to play upwards of 30 instruments,
yet this talent does not emerge in the least in this song. His
cartoonish piano detracts from the lyrics, which is actually a good
thing, because they are so abysmally obscene, that listening to
them is actually painful. While it is somewhat amusing to hear him
refer to "vertical smiles," he delves so far into revolting
metaphors, the novelty ends there.

Not wanting to be outdone by her male co-performers, Nina Whett
closes "Porn to Rock" with the Johnny Toxic-penned "Drink Beer and
Fuck." Repetitive, loud and excruciatingly irritating, the
metal-esque tune drags on for far too long.

Whett is described as a poet, artist and champion oil wrestler.
Apparently, none of these talents transfer to musical endeavors
whatsoever, and the song is a fittingly bad end to a dreadful
album.

Though the compilation does offer a few guiltily humorous
moments, for the most part, it’s nothing more than rotten.

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