Satan’s salon

Monday, January 25, 1999

Satan’s salon

SATAN: Victims of bad hair believe

the devil is to blame

for their misfortune

The signs of the coming Apocalypse are all around us, and I’m
not just talking about the shows on the WB. According to an article
published in the tabloid Weekly World News (motto: We’re on the
cutting edge of crap!), several people in Dallas, Texas, have
reported having their hair possessed by the devil.

Anyone surprised it was Texas? Just asking.

Dr. Marylou Wittengern, author of "The Devil’s Deeds," said
"Victims are usually convinced they have the wrong hairdresser or
are using the wrong shampoo or something, but it’s much more
sinister than that." Bwa ha ha. Some of Wittengern’s upcoming
titles include a book based on this incident called "Satan’s
Salon," and a children’s book called "The Virgin Mary’s in My
Macaroni."

One man who claims his hair is possessed is electrician Elton
Stryll. Imagine, a guy who spends all his time around frayed high
voltage wiring with frizzy hair. It boggles the mind.

Another victim is "lay preacher" Tom Breinheld, who says, "It’s
made me doubt myself. I question why the devil singled me out. Is
he trying to destroy my faith or my influence over my flock?" No,
Breinheld, that’s just God trying to tell you you’re stupid.

The goings-on in Texas have sparked many public figures to adopt
a new air of piety and hair care. This morning, Don King went to
confessional and didn’t come out for four-and-a-half hours, just to
be on the safe side. Courtney Love, in an unprecedented move,
actually brushed her hair, while "comedian" Carrot Top hasn’t been
seen for three days.

I’m sure many of you are sitting out there reading this article
and worrying, "Dear, sweet Lord! What if my hair is possessed too?"
Well, the symptoms include tousled, unmanageable hair coupled with
frizzing. Of course the average humidity in Dallas is 78 percent,
but I think we all know that it’s really the work of Hades.

If your hair is in fact possessed, there is a new exorcism
shampoo on the market: Spinning Head and Shoulders. Look for it in
the pea-soup colored bottle. Perhaps you’ve seen the
commercial.

Handsome Guy 1: Hey how’s it going?

Handsome Guy 2: Oh fine. Whoa, what happened to your hair?

HG1: It’s possessed by the devil. Geez, I was hoping nobody
would notice.

HG2: Here. Try this. Spinning Head and Shoulders shampoo with
pro-vitamins.

HG1: Wow. Thanks Handsome Guy 2! How does it work?

Handsome Narrator: Spinning Head and Shoulders contains
pro-vitamins which act to exorcise the Fallen One from your scalp.
Remember, if it’s tingling, that means it’s working.

HG1: Thanks again, but you don’t have horns.

HG2: Exactly.

Personally, this really makes me lose faith in Satan. I had
previously given him a lot of credit. He really knew how to get a
job done. It just seems sad that the same guy who once masterminded
the Spanish Inquisition, the Black Death and Bob Saget now has to
resort to bad beehives, infernal perms and dread locks. Whatever
happened to pride in workmanship?

In an attempt to understand the motives behind this unholy
crusade against the locks of decent God-fearing, gun-toting Texans,
I went straight to the horse’s mouth. Here is the result of my
correspondence with the Dark Lord:

Dear Mr. Lief: Your concern with my affairs troubles and
frightens me to say the least. It would be beneficial to us both if
you cease writing letters to the effect that I am Satan, Beelzebub,
Mephistopheles or otherwise. I am not nor have I ever been the
living incarnation of evil. Any further insinuations of this sort
on your part will result in a rain of flaming toads and a plague
upon your descendants. Sincerely, Bill Gates

And now for something completely different. There is a girl on
my floor named Tall Blond Anne, who once asked me if I ever got a
column in the Daily Bruin to somehow work her name in, and since
she’s really hot, I agreed to do it. What should people know about
Tall Blond Anne? Well, first of all, her hair is not possessed by
the devil, and second (and most importantly) she is, as I have
previously stated, really hot. Thank you, and now back to the
column.

So what does all this hoopla (from the Latin "hoopinum" meaning:
a very silly word) mean? Well, as far as I know, there is only one
explanation for the appearance of huge demonic gravity-defying
hair: the ’80s are coming back.

Some of you may doubt the return of the most terrifying decade
of the 20th century, but there is biblical proof! Allow me to quote
Revelations 1:8, "I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the
ending," saith the Lord, "I’m your Venus, I’m your fire, it’s your
desire."

If the ’60s were influenced by free love, and the ’70s were
influenced by mind-blowing drugs, then the ’80s were surely the
work of the devil.

Again some of you may doubt my claims, but could there be any
other explanation for Jem and the Holograms other than the
Archfiend himself? Indeed Satan abounded everywhere in the ’80s.
Gargamel of the Smurfs is in fact an allegory for the Dark One. The
story of how he created Smurfette to seduce the Smurfs into his
evil clutches is a modern day retelling of the story of Jesus’
temptation by the Pharisees (or was it the Jehamites, or the
Boamites, or the Seth-Bulhazzezboads, or the
Gohan-al-Bar-Nehud-Saamaaataaaalaglaadi, or – oh forget it). It’s
true. I even have professors of theology to back me up. Well, at
least they said they were professors of theology. That’s what they
told me when they handed me those flowers at the airport.

I think it makes sense that the ’80s would come back, seeing as
we spent most of the ’90s trying to relive the ’70s. Furthermore,
we’ve become so shallow that all we seem to do is complain about
our bad-hair days. Perhaps allowing Lucifer free reign over our
tresses is God’s little way of punishing us for being so
unoriginal.

So what have we learned from all of this? First of all,
everything in the Weekly World News is complete and utter bull.
Second, almost everything in my columns is complete and utter bull.
Therefore, I suggest you take very little heed of what I say, but I
do have some parting words of advice: Lather, rinse, repeat and
pray.Doug Lief

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