Stop, relax, break down

Tuesday, November 24, 1998

Stop, relax, break down

BREAKDOWN: When pace of life seems overwhelming, three day nap
is in order

I guess I realized, as I woke up this morning, that I am on the
edge of a nervous breakdown. It’s not an unfamiliar feeling.

I felt the same way just a couple of weeks ago. I think I feel
that way every other week. That might sound pretty unhealthy …
maybe it is.

My current almost-nervous-breakdown came about while trying to
write this Viewpoint column. Originally, I was going to do a
Viewpoint column on all of the other Viewpoint columnists.

So, first I read all of the columns that have been written this
year – at least 30 columns. Then, I called up all of the
columnists, and I ended up talking to seven of them. I had really
cool conversations with them, but at around 10:30 p.m. last night,
I tried to start writing the column.

I got nowhere. I had no idea how to start. I kept writing an
introduction, then deleting it, and then writing another
introduction, and deleting it. As I prepared to delete what was
probably my fifth introduction, I looked at the clock and noticed
that four hours had passed. I took a few deep breaths, and then
moved on.

I decided to give up on my column about the other Viewpoint
columnists. I reasoned that it’s such a good idea for a column that
it would really suck to take such a good column idea and then write
a lousy column based on that idea.

Unfortunately, I still had to write a column, but at that point
I had no clue as to what I would be writing about. Sleep deprived
as I was, I decided to write a column telling you, the readers, the
story of my failed attempt to write a column about the other
Viewpoint columnists.

Since I’m not going to use what I wrote that night, I’m now here
telling you about my failed attempt to write a column about my
failed attempt to write a column, and wouldn’t you know it, now I’m
writing about nervous breakdowns.

It took me until this morning to realize that I am definitely on
the edge of another nervous breakdown. I began to think of all of
the other things in my life that I’m supposed to be doing that I’m
not doing, all because of this column which had consumed about 12
hours of my week so far. So I lay there in bed and imagined my life
caving in around me.

I guess a nervous breakdown seems like the ultimate low. Thus
the phrase, "on the verge of a nervous breakdown." People who are
totally stressed out use that phrase, but they don’t go and have
nervous breakdowns. Maybe they should. Maybe it would be better to
go have a nervous breakdown. I mean, how bad would that really be,
as long as they didn’t kill anybody or anything.

I’m not worried about killing anybody, because I’m not really
angry at anybody or anything. At least, I’m not going to kill
anyone in this current almost-nervous-breakdown, but maybe that’s
just because nobody else is around right now.

A couple of months ago, I started to get pretty frustrated while
I was waiting in line at Rite-Aid. I was supposed to meet some
people, and I was late, and the cashier didn’t know how to process
my "free film development" coupon.

So I guess if I’d lost it there, others might have been in
danger. But I don’t feel that bad about that, because I bet
everybody almost loses it at Rite-Aid; that place is a psychotic
episode waiting to happen.

If I have a nervous breakdown, I think what I’d like to do is
sleep for three days straight. I think that would qualify as a
nervous breakdown, especially if I have a whole lot to do that I
should be doing. My life would continue crashing down around me,
and I would just lie there and sleep.

It’s not that I’m really tired or that I really need 72 hours of
sleep. God, that would be a lot of sleep. It’s just a way to avoid
facing the world. Because here, on the verge of a nervous
breakdown, I don’t like having to face the world. People ask me all
of these questions and they demand more of me, and I need to think
of things to say. At times like these, being asleep is just so much
less stressful than being awake.

As I lay in bed this morning and postponed getting up from 10:30
a.m. till 11 p.m., I was pretty stressed out as I thought of all of
the things I ought to be doing. But, at the time, I knew I was
going to get up eventually – to face the world.

If I had a nervous breakdown and slept for three days, then I
would be comforted by the fact that I have given up on everything
that I’m trying to do. If I slept for long enough, I could lose my
job, get Fs in all of my classes, and at that point, what else
would I have to lose? Having lost everything, I’d probably have
less to worry about. I wouldn’t have physically harmed anybody. And
so I guess my nervous breakdown would be a success.

But then I would be a failure, and I guess that’s the down side.
Still, I take comfort in the fact that life would go on even if I
had a nervous breakdown.

I also take comfort in the thought that maybe everybody is as
close to a nervous breakdown as I am.

Maybe that’s wishful thinking, but maybe not. Take this
conversation I had a couple of weeks ago, during my last
almost-nervous-breakdown. I was walking through the office and my
co-worker Kim greeted me, saying, "Hey, Mark! How are ya?"

"I’m hangin’ in there," I responded.

"That’s the best we can do," Kim said.

Do you see what I’m talking about? Usually when I say, "I’m
hangin’ in there," I just say that because it’s something to say
when somebody asks how I am. It’s like saying, "Fine." But on this
day it seemed particularly appropriate, since I was barely hanging
in there. And Kim somehow seemed able to appreciate that; she
seemed to know where I was coming from.

"That’s the best we can do," she said, and I figure that means
that we’re all on the edge of a nervous breakdown, and the best we
can do is to just hang in there.

Then again, maybe I’m the only one losing it. Maybe you will
read about me in the papers in a couple of days. What would be
really cool would be if I turned in this column, then went and had
a nervous breakdown before it got published.

Imagine that. As I write this column I haven’t yet had a nervous
breakdown. But now, as you read it, I am sitting in a mental
institution somewhere, a certifiable nut. Maybe you read about my
nervous breakdown in the News section a couple of days ago, and now
you get to read about the twisted train of thought that led me to
my unfortunate demise.

But if there is no unfortunate incident, then I’m still only on
the verge of a nervous breakdown. That’s good enough for me; I’m
hangin’ in there. That’s the best I can do.

Mark Dittmer

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