The idiot’s guide to what some women like

Monday, November 23, 1998

The idiot’s guide to what some women like

ADVICE: Do you have what

it takes to become

a ladies’ man?

Here are a few hints

on what females want

After my last column, I got bales of responses from curious men.
Some wondered why women can get sex whenever they want but men
can’t. Others asked common questions plaguing the male mind such
as, "How big is big?" While the forces at the Daily Bruin won’t let
me delve into a question of that proportion, I decided to give my
advice on other, shall we say, relatively safer inquiries.

To ensure diversity of opinion and to be fair, I consulted one
of my favorite male experts. She and I sat down last night and made
a "chicklist" for men. It’s just a little something that guys can
refer to when trying to determine if they have what it takes. This
is what we came up with.

First of all, a woman cannot go out any night of the week, any
time of the day and get any man to sleep with her. In a perfect
world full of perfect men, that might be true. But let’s face it:
this isn’t Planet Perfectmale.

Therefore, the issue does not come down to whether or not a
woman can have sex, but whether or not she can find a man worthy of
having sex with.

And that depends on a lot of things.

Of course, it depends on how cute he is. And if he can spell. If
he has to ask what a word means, he’s not good material. If he
isn’t the brightest of the bunch, that’s fine – he can always infer
from the context, as long as he knows the meaning of "infer".

Intelligence is intoxicating, but intoxicated men are a bore. If
they’re too drunk or stoned to have a conversation, they are too
drunk and stoned to have you-know-what.

They are, however, fun to laugh at. But it’s better if they can
make you laugh. And laugh at themselves. Ten extra points if they
can do them both sans excessive substance abuse.

Thick arms are always nice. But cheer up, boys, they only have
to be firm, not huge. Hands are more important anyway. First, your
hands should not be softer and smoother than mine. Also, upon
introduction, don’t shake my hand like a fish, or like you’re
afraid mine will break. It won’t. But do shake my hand.

If your pants are so tight that I can see your whole world,
forget it. No need to flaunt your stuff. We like mystery.

It’s a bad sign if you spend more time on your hair than I do.
It’s a worse sign if you have more hair than I do. If you have no
hair at all, you should be dating my mother.

Hair on the tip of your nose usually means hair on the bare of
your ass.

Hair on your back means you’ve got the ass of a bear. And it’s
hard to hibernate horizontally with a man who will shed all over my
white sweater.

Why not vertically? That’s equally as complicated because height
is an issue (though not a tall one). I’d rather look up at a man
than straight into his eyes, unless he has exceptionally nice eyes.
And I’d rather he spend more time looking down into my eyes than
down at my chest. It’s even a bigger disappointment if he spends
more time looking down at his own chest .

The moral here, folks, is that eye contact is key. Especially
when looking at someone across the room. And it’s always nice not
to have to make the first move. I hardly ever will, unless I get
some big encouraging sign, like an airplane banner.

It takes either a lot of confidence or a lot of alcohol for guys
to ask my name. I prefer the former. Asking questions is important.
It’s always a pleasure to meet someone who goes further than, "Are
those C cups?" But I hate guys who ask questions and then show they
aren’t listening by looking over my shoulder … at the hot blonde
behind me.

Once we leave the (insert favorite pick-up place), he’s got to
have enough coordination to get my clothes off without ripping
something or forgetting to take off my socks. Then again, if my
feet are cold, he’d better leave them on.

And when we get freaky-deaky, he must know what to do. Basic
biology reveals that my pleasure point is not my belly button. If
he doesn’t know, I’ll show him. But if he doesn’t know and won’t
learn, he’s out the door.

There’s no room for egos in the bedroom, car, elevator, forest,
airplane or bathroom.

Let’s be serious, though. Are these things really important?
Some of them. But there’s more to men than length (I hope). Men, if
you lack a little here, don’t stress – you’ll make up for it there.
No man is perfect, not that I’d mind meeting those who come pretty
darn close.

Just remember that most women can’t get hot over someone, even
for a few hours, if they know they will have the "uh-oh’s" in the
morning when relaying the events to their girlfriends.

And sometimes it’s just better to have dinner with girlfriends
and leave guys out of the picture completely. But it’s a pleasant
surprise if some almost-perfect men sit at the table next to
you.

Pfeffer must thank Sabrina Fox for collaborating on this column.
Send comments to [email protected].

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