Poet sums up election issues

Tuesday, October 27, 1998

Poet sums up election issues

PROPOSITIONS: Creative use of rhymes explains voting views in
complicated times

On Sunday Oct. 18, I turned on my computer screen. I started
writing you a poem, but my boss here (you don’t know him) said that
it was not to be; he said "We don’t do poetry!"

He said, "This is a Viewpoint section! Don’t you know there’s an
election coming up two weeks from now?"

"I’m sorry," I said, "Don’t have a cow! Please don’t make me
start all over now. Don’t throw my poem in the stove or in the
trash can for that matter."

"Alright! Enough incessant chatter!" That is what my boss said
then a minute passed. He spoke again.

"Your poem, well, it is no good. You see a Viewpoint column
should have an argument at least! Perhaps about the now-deceased
writer Edgar Allen Poe. That guy was a poet, you know.

"But what I would like even more than a new carpet on my floor
would be for you to figure out what these elections are for. If you
can do that I can try to let this goofy rhyming by."

"Oh thank you, sir, I do declare, your kindness is beyond
compare!"

So if you were to wonder why in a hundred years would I write
something so random about politics and poetry, now you understand I
hope. So enjoy, it’s really dope:

Good day, reader! How are you? I hope you are not feeling blue.
Today I thought I’d try my luck at poetry–hey, what the …
heck.

That didn’t rhyme, but I’ll get better. I’ll rhyme with every
single letter, every consonant and vowel. I’ll rhyme from Bunche to
Royce to Powell.

See, poetry is on my mind. In English class I am behind. This
weekend I am supposed to write an essay.

Goodness! What a fright.

So poetry – what is it then? Do you write it with a pen? Do you
read it with your glasses? Do you speak of it in classes? Isn’t Dr.
Seuss the best? I’m sure he’d pass the poetry test. He’d tell us
what a poem is, why he’s the best poet in the biz.

Not every poet rhymes like him. Some simply write verse on a
whim. Some poets rhyme but others, nay! They will not rhyme. "Too
hard," they say. But still, to make their poems sound nice they use
some sugar and some spice. For instance they might call the sky an
artist’s canvas, hung so high.

All these comparisons they make are sweeter than a chocolate
cake. With their words they paint a scene. I’ll try myself; this
should be keen:

Water shimmers like a jewel, and when you dive into the pool you
plunge into a different world, a whole new universe unfurled.

Okay I’m not too good at these, these metaphors and similes. In
fact I think I’m just as bad as a widower is sad. Bad as Kermit the
Frog is green, as bad as leaded gasoline, which soils the air and
makes you cough and makes you sick on your day off.

Geez that was bad. I am so sorry. Like a kid who plays Atari and
forgets to do a chore – Oh geez! I’m making readers snore!

So what’s a poem? What is not? What makes the best poets so hot?
Are we poetic with every word, or is that just a bit absurd?

If as I walk the street one day and open up my mouth to say,
"Hey how’s it going? How are you?" Is that a poem? Tell me
true.

It is, since poems needn’t rhyme. You make a poem every time you
clap your hand aginst your head and say, "I need to go to bed!"

Not to mention if you rhyme while chewing gum that costs a dime.
You notice, "Hey I’m in a park! And I can’t see Å’cause it’s so
dark!"

To be frank, I think poets should try hard to rhyme in order to
do it well. But some poets have too much to say to make their poems
rhyme that way.

My problem was the opposite. It’s good that my boss noticed it.
So now I think I’ll rectify the problem, or at least I’ll try.
Luckily, we’re one week away from the next state election day. I’ll
give you my opinions on each proposition; then I’m gone.

Proposition 1 has to do with tax on property that sort of lacks
environmental safety features that affect all sorts of creatures.
So vote yes, and have your say. Help people fix their homes
today!

Proposition 2’s as boring as they come. It merely says that all
funds from transportation revenues should go in one place. What a
snooze. Vote yes, vote no, vote whatever. Vote what makes you feel
better.

Did you vote four months ago, when June began and days moved
slow?

"That was when our state first tried the open primary," you
sighed. Why did you sigh? I just don’t know. These propositions
bore me so. Vote yes on three. Vote no on four. Vote until you can
vote no more.

But please, just vote for goodness sake. It’s not that hard, it
doesn’t take but five, 10 minutes of your day. Not even that, the
Flash might say.

No, let me give this one more shot. Proposition 3 says that we
should not vote outside our party lines. This has nothing to do
with mines. I think that it’s less democratic. So vote no – it’s
automatic.

Steel-jawed animal traps: do we really need these, chaps?
Proposition 4 would ban them, how about that? I’ll vote yes and
then have time to chat.

Every week a person goes to some Indian casinos. Can they play
the slot machines? That’s what a "yes"-on-5 vote means.

Proposition 6 they wrote just for me and others who can also see
that eating meat is not the way a human ought to go today.
Vegetarians unite! Vote for Proposition 6; it is right.
Slaughtering horses for food will be a crime thanks to this
bill.

Then there’s Proposition 7, an environmentalist’s heaven.
Proposition 7 will make you smile, since it lowers taxes while
giving many firms a chance to cut emmissions. Wow! Let’s dance.
Less pollution, what a break. Vote for 7, for God’s sake.

Stupid Proposition 8. I think this one’s far from great. There
are all these crazy fools who think that they can fix the schools.
So they write a ballot measure. Voting no will be my pleasure.

Now Propositions 9 and 10 (Ach!), complicated ones again. I just
don’t know what to do; the different choices make me blue. I should
try to read them more, but God, the text is such a bore.

Proposition 11 seems OK but more important is 1A. Everybody’s
voting yes. It’s got nothing to do with chess. About $9.2 billion
for classrooms, teachers and some more, so teachers’ salaries are
paid, while whole new schools will be made.

Now there are many candidates for offices in many states. Just
vote Green Party every time and if you can’t, it’s not a crime.

There’s more to vote for, but that’s all the help I’m giving you
this fall. So good-bye and toodle-oo. Goodness, gracious me, I’m
through!

Mark Dittmer

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