Abusive partners not worth keeping

Friday, October 23, 1998

Abusive partners not worth keeping

VIOLENCE: Women don’t need men to be fulfilled, discover place
in society

By Andrés Chang

My mother came to this country when she was 30 years old. She
had no higher education, she didn’t speak any English and she had
three kids. Today, she is 50 years old, a college graduate, speaks
fluent English and is the mother of six kids. One day I told her,
"Mama, you’re one of the most intelligent people I know." She
responded, "If I was so smart then I would’ve married someone
else."

My father is an abusive husband and he’s been with my mother for
25 years. My father doesn’t beat my mother, he doesn’t do drugs and
he doesn’t cheat on her. My father tells my mother that she’s
worthless, that she’s a bad mother and that if it wasn’t for him
she would be nothing. The natural question is, why is my mother
still with my father?

As a man, it is very difficult for me to understand why women
get in abusive relationships and stay in them. However, it is not
because I am a man that I think that way. As a man, society has
taught me that my worth and value is based upon the things that I
accomplish. The society which tells that to men is the same society
that tells women that their worth and value is based upon their
relationship to men. A man goes to college to get a career and a
woman goes to college to get a husband.

Now, a lot of us probably think that such sentiments are long
behind us and belong to our parents’ generation. Yet, how many of
your girlfriends have talked to you about their jerk for a
boyfriend? How many of your girlfriends have told you that couples
suck because they’re not a part of one? How many of your
girlfriends have been with that same piece of trash for months or
years?

There are two reasons why many beautiful, intelligent,
academically successful and career-bound women here at UCLA are in
abusive relationships. The first reason is that they are filling
the role that society is giving them. There is nothing wrong with
that, in and of itself, but the problem is their partners. The
second reason why women are in abusive relationships is because
their partners are manipulators. These persons, who call themselves
men, do their best to convince women that they are worthless
individuals who are nothing without them. They say to women, "You
made me do it; It’s your fault; You’re nothing without me." And
they do such a convincing job that girls believe them. Sisters, you
are not responsible; it is not your fault. You are so much more
than he is. He is only keeping you down.

Now, for those of us who, by the grace of God, have never been
in an abusive relationship, it’s easy for us to judge our sisters.
Instead, what we must do is help them. Listen to them, talk to
friends you both have in common, find the campus and off-campus
resources to help them out of their cage. We can only open the door
but they have to step through.

Having said that, if you have a friend who is in an abusive
relationship then you owe it to your friend to help them get the
services that they need ­ or else you’re no friend at all.
Ignoring the problem won’t make it go away, there are things you
can do about it, and it is your business!

A woman once told me that she had a husband who beat her. That
same woman said that she stayed with that guy because she was young
and stupid. Hermanas, you are not stupid. You are human and you
make mistakes. You make the same mistakes that many other women
have made before.

If you or anyone you know is in an abusive relationship, contact
the Women’s Resource Center located in 2 Dodd Hall.

Chang is a fourth-year theater student.

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