Musings from an inebriated state

Tuesday, October 13, 1998

Musings from an inebriated state

ALCOHOL: Writing while intoxicated provides clearer perception
of pertinent issues

I just got to a bar, and I want to write as much as I can before
I sober up. I’ve been thinking about it for a little, and I think I
could write much better after smoking pot. But after drinking, I
just feel kind of out of it, and I don’t know how well I can write.
Then again, I’m not even sure if I’m drunk right now; I’m gonna
need another drink or two to make sure.

I wish I could write so fast that I could record every thought
that crosses my mind. Like when I was kind of disgusted a minute
ago when the guy standing next to me said that some girl across the
bar would be worth screwing.

Whatever. I have mixed feelings about writing here in the middle
of Madison’s. On the one hand, I’m feeling pretty original, or
unique. ‘Cause no one else in here is writing. I’m also thinking
that this might be a good way to meet people, since people might be
curious about what I’m writing.

There are some negatives, too, though. I’m worried about my
ability to write transitional phrases at the beginning of each
paragraph. More specifically, I’m worried that I’ve completely lost
that ability.

So now we’re walking from Madison’s to Maloney’s, and not only
am I writing drunk but I’m also writing while walking and I almost
just walked into a tree.

But I’m OK.

My friend just said that this (Maloney’s) is definitely an
improvement from Madison’s, although we are in the parking lot
right now.

Hold up. My friend just read this and asked me, "What is the
opinion?" Wait, he isn’t liking this rendition of the facts. Now
he’s being a punk and complaining that I wasn’t listening to
him.

Whatever. He was pointing out that I should put an opinion in
here, and you know he’s right. I should note here that my friend is
being a punk again; he wanted me to put an inside joke in here and
I refused ’cause I care about the readers. Then he stole my notepad
to draw a picture of me, and all the while I was sobering up. I’m
not sober now, but I might be more sober than I was before. And
that’s kind of a bummer.

But hey! Let’s keep our spirits up. My other friend – damn I
need some alcohol before I get sober. My friend just recommended a
Long Island ice tea. He said that after one of those I’ll be set
for the night. My other friend keeps making fun of me by pretending
that I am an alien from another planet. He uses this funny voice
and says, "Interesting – these earthlings use alcohol to entertain
themselves."

So just now I asked him to make the funny voice some more, and
he refused. And he said he’s suing me for libel, since I misquoted
him.

Anyway, I’m going to get a Long Island ice tea and then I’m
going to try to get an opinion into this. Hell, this is a Viewpoint
column.

So I started drinking one, and I’m inside Maloney’s, and
"Stayin’ Alive" is playing really loud. It’s a remix of "Stayin’
Alive." I’m not supposed to be pounding my Long Island ice tea, but
surprisingly, it actually tastes good.

It is so loud in here. I just tried to talk to my friend, and I
yelled at the top of my voice about two inches from his eardrum and
he barely heard me. Earlier at Madison’s I asked him to marry me,
but I was just kidding. He’s really cool; it’s just that he’s a
guy.

Bummer.

So my opinion is that Clinton should stay president. I just
showed my friend my opinion, and he asked me why Bill Clinton
started playing saxophone. He said he didn’t know, and I didn’t
know. Well, the answer is that he can’t play his hor-monica
anymore.

Ha ha. So I’m going to stop writing soon, since I just showed
this to another drunk person, and they said it was just about
perfect.

I dunno though. Right now I’m standing one foot away from a big
TV screen that’s showing Garth Brooks in concert singing, "I’ve got
friends in lonely places." I’d feel bad about blocking the TV, but
there are about 15 TVs in here, all on the same channel, and
they’re just on for the music

God, it is so loud.

I’m high on alcohol right now, which is weird, considering that
it’s a depressant. I’m spinning around in circles on this stool
that spins while writing, and I bet people are looking at me weird.
They’d better be. Especially the girls. I want to meet a girl to be
with forever. I wonder how many couples meet in bars, while they’re
drunk.

But how the hell do you meet people in a bar? The music is way
too loud. There are two girls – check that, there are four –
sitting right in front of where I’m standing, and I’d approach
them, but I’d have to yell at the top of my lungs.

Well, that was 10 minutes ago, right before a Tom Petty song
possessed me and made me dance like a madman. Then it made me do 20
push-ups. Weird how a Tom Petty song can have that effect on
me.

I don’t even know how to wrap this up. I don’t even know if it’s
time to wrap it up yet. Usually I’m typing on a computer and I have
word-count, which tells me if I’m near the end of my article or
not. But I’ve got nothing like that right now. I’m writing in
really messy cursive.

Meanwhile, I don’t know where the hell all my friends went.

"I’m right here," my friend just said. Then he left.

So now I’m thinking, why the hell would this be interesting to
anybody? I don’t know. But I still think it will be interesting to
people. I just can’t explain why right now.

Damn. I’ve got to stop writing so I can enjoy this atmosphere.
People are dancin’. Flirting. Drinking. My friend is pretending I’m
a martian. I keep wanting to dance, since the music is so loud. So
I hope I have successfully argued my opinion – that Clinton should
stay president. I’m gonna go dance. Peace and love.

I knew I couldn’t stop writing that early in the evening. Well,
maybe I can stop writing. I’m kind of tired of writing. But I
haven’t sobered up at all. My friend just told me that a Long
Island ice tea has four to five shots of liquor in it. This article
could go on forever. But that’d suck for you the reader. I’ll just
pretend that you just said mercy. I’ll spare you. You won’t hear
any more from me. So for the last time (I think), peace.

The bar is closed.

Mark Dittmer

Comments, feedback, problems?

© 1998 ASUCLA Communications Board[Home]