UCLA defies laws of universe

Friday, October 2, 1998

UCLA defies laws of universe

OVERCROWDING: More Bruins, fewer rooms doesn’t add up in
on-campus plans

By Julianne Sohn

In the beginning, some supreme being said, "Let there be
light."

There was light, and it was good.

Much later (the exact date is still unknown) someone or some
group said, "Let’s convert a residence hall – Mira Hershey Hall –
into some office space and still accept more students for
housing."

And this happened. The green construction fences gradually
appeared around Hershey Hall, and about 500 more students than last
year will be crammed into the residence halls. Things aren’t as
good as they used to be.

Never disappointing me, UC(Hell)A plans to increase the number
of triple-capacity rooms to accommodate this influx of students.
Originally, the rooms in the high-rise residence halls were made
for two students. Let’s just ignore this minor detail and imagine a
worse fate.

Last year, 22 students weren’t even assigned to rooms. Oddly
enough, the residence halls were overbooked. So these lucky people
lived in study lounges with about six people to each lounge.

The math seems a bit off in this entire equation. Subtract rooms
and add hundreds more students. (Is this what people call creative
math?) This year, 6,200 students will fill the residence halls to
beyond capacity. Out of that number, 3,850 are first-year students.
Seventy percent of these freshmen will be sentenced to triples.

Being the former occupant of a triple, I’m alarmed at this
figure. If things go accordingly, more than 50 percent of the
incoming residents must live in cramped, cave-like quarters. (Even
after serving a sometimes harrowing tour of duty as a Resident
Assistant (RA) one year, I still sympathize with "first years"
except when some are too drunk to find their room.)

Perhaps this is merely a test to see how many students can be
stuffed into a room. Or perhaps we are in part of some strange
arrangement to figure out the "Ultimate Question of Life, the
Universe and Everything."

Maybe we are pawns in a scheme to see if it is true that nothing
in our world makes sense. (Douglas Adams’ book "The Restaurant at
the End of the Universe" outlines our dire situation.) If, as Adams
said, "nothing that ever happened on the Earth could possibly make
the slightest bit of sense," then it’s OK to admit more students
into housing when there aren’t more rooms. (How did Adams get a
hold of such information? This explains absolutely everything.)

This incredible knowledge reveals why the good old Bruin Bear in
Westwood Plaza still doesn’t have a plaque inscribed with a poem by
Emma Lazarus:

"Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempestuous to me.

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

(A torch would be a nice touch. The bear could carry it in his
mouth.)

What could possibly be more welcoming than that big green copper
statue on some island off the East Coast? The only catch in this
deal is that you will have to live in a small room with two other
people. But look at some of the positive aspects of living in a
triple dorm room:

10. You don’t have to live in a study lounge.

9. You have a lovely view of the De Neve Plaza construction
site, depending on where you live.

8. You get to have two roommates instead of just one.

7. The food.

6. If you stick around another year, you might get to live in
the new residence hall.

5. The helpful residence hall staff members.

4. You have the privilege of getting to know a lot of
people.

3. You can play pool 24 hours a day.

2. The bathrooms.

1. The cool RAs and Program Assistants (PAs).

Negative aspects? What negative aspects? Isn’t it obvious that
things are much better now that there are more people crammed into
the residence halls, now that construction work never seems to
cease? In light of all these minor inconveniences, things look
pretty darn good.

In a couple of years that new residence hall De Neve Plaza is
supposed to be completed. This addition will house 1,250 students.
For now, it is taking shape slowly, due in part to El Nino.

There’s not much that can be done in a situation like this. Make
the best of your living arrangement before the Universe disappears.
(This would only happen if we found the ultimate question to the
ultimate answers.)

Try to stay sane in this senseless world.

Sohn is hitchhiking through the galaxy. You can reach her at
[email protected].

Comments, feedback, problems?

© 1998 ASUCLA Communications Board