Introduction to UCLA must start with course in Bruin athletics

Monday, June 29, 1998

Introduction to UCLA must start with course in Bruin
athletics

COLUMN: From NCAA to Steve Lavin, department has a lot of bases
to cover

Man, the Dodgers are lame. You’ll have to forgive me, I know I
am supposed to be welcoming you all to the wonderful world of UCLA
athletic greatness, but I couldn’t help that interjection.

Anyway, around this time of year, the campus has a different
aura: more nekkedness on Bruin Walk, less construction ("Why do it
during summer?" say the regents. "There’s hardly anyone around to
inconvenience"), and Kobe "Pass it to me" Bryant and 49er Ken
Norton attending summer sessions.

There are also scads of incoming freshmen attending orientations
– getting their first unpleasant taste of living in the dorms,
finding out that nearly everyone they meet says, "Hey! I’m pre-med,
too!," and going on endless tours during which useless information
about campus is passed along.

It is equally easy to get lost in all of the Bruin mania as it
is to get lost on campus. (Why do freshmen always have trouble
finding Dodd Hall?)

I’m sure, for some of you, it has been drilled into your head
that sports are king here at UCLA, which is probably true,
considering which section of the Daily Bruin is the most popular.
Take it from someone who knows: there are many perils and pitfalls
to watch out for as a Bruin sports fan, and my purpose is to let
you all know, so you don’t end up a screaming wreck wandering naked
with a shower cap on through the Wooden Center. As the omnipotent
bastion of athletic knowledge that I am , I figure it’s the least I
can do.

For example, it is a common misconception that being a UCLA
student automatically guarantees you good seats at games.

Somewhere, I hear Supreme Revered and Exalted Athletic Director
Pete Dalis laughing at this one. Ha! The truth: being a UCLA
student only means that you get to freeze your butt off outside
Pauley overnight trying to catch a glimpse of what you think might
be Baron Davis’ fingernail. The night you do decide to spend will
invariably be the coldest day of the year, forcing you to get all
liquored up to stay warm. You then proceed to get drunk as a skunk,
and oversleep past the 6 a.m. roll call for tickets.

And if you do get in, have fun sitting (or standing) on those
benches that look like the wood shop project you got a C on in
tenth grade.

The Rose Bowl is no better. You think you got an amazing deal on
your $20 student ticket, until you find out that (1) the student
seats are in a God-awful location, and (2) even if your seat was
any good, you can’t get to it, because an entire frat has taken up
what your tickets say are your seats. Good luck getting them to
move.

We are known for having great facilities on campus, especially
the Wooden Center (a name that elementary school kids laugh at when
they take tours). The Wooden Center is great for working out, if
you can get in. Make sure you get there early to sign up for your
spot on the treadmill or bike; otherwise, you will be left in the
corner with that unidentifiable apparatus that everyone says is a
torture rack.

One of the strange things that comes with going to UCLA is that
everyone always assumes that you know what’s up behind the scenes
in sports. Just mention that you’re a Bruin, and it’s, "So Jelani
McCoy was doing marijuana, huh? When is he coming back?" And before
you can explain that you have no idea who Johnny McNugget or
whoever even is, it’s, "What are Baron Davis’ plans for next year?"
Get used to it – going to a jock school automatically makes you an
expert on sports.

How to get through this? Take the athletic department’s idea.
Just say "I cannot comment on that at this point in time," and
people will think you are way smarter than you really are.

Speaking of the athletic department, you would be surprised at
how many people think that sports officials here are off-limits to
students. Take the example of Dalis. Actually, I can’t say I’ve
seen him with my own eyes, but I’m sure somebody has, darn it. PD
(a nickname he made fashionable before Puff Daddy was even born)
has an office somewhere in the Morgan Center, and if you’ve got an
extra three hours to wade among cubicles and SIDs, you might
eventually find it. If you do, I’m sure Big Pete is a very nice
guy, smiling and happy and pleased with the fact that no matter
what happens, he is not Mike Garrett.

(If anyone ever does ever see Pete Dalis, please let us know, or
else we’ll have to put him on a milk carton, along with the words
"Have you seen me?")

Just the opposite of El Hombre Pedro is our beloved Coach Lavin,
who can be spotted just about anywhere on campus. The man is
omnipresent, and also really, really, really friendly. If you run
into Slick Lav anywhere, strike up a conversation and watch the
charisma flow. He’s a one-man PR engine, God love him.

His smooth qualities have earned him somewhat of a sex symbol
status among some on campus; there is even a website dedicated to
Coach Lavin pictures, quotes and trivia to test your "Lavvy Savvy".
(I am not making this up.) But calm down girls; he’s taken.

Basketball is, of course, of great importance here on campus;
this can be seen in the sheer numbers of the game-less populating
the courts at Wooden or Rieber Hall. (The bricks are plentiful up
around Rieber, let me tell you.)

However, our unmitigated basketball fervor has been hampered at
times by that all-powerful of entities, the NCAA. In fact, over the
past few years, the NCAA has been riding UCLA like an anal
retentive cowboy, sanctioning and nullifying and suspending.

Starting with the suspension of our softball team and the
nullifying of our championship (you could almost hear a Homer
Simpson-esque "Yoink!" as they snatched it away), and including the
wiping out of Schea Cotton’s SAT scores which prevented him from
attending UCLA, the NCAA has been popping up suspiciously in Bruin
athletics for a while now.

For example, it was widely believed that the women’s basketball
team lost to Alabama in the NCAA Tournament because of a bad call
by the referees, but it was the NCAA that was wrong. Consider,
then, that the NCAA admitted they were wrong but then refused to
reverse the referees’ decision! Evidently NCAA stands for No
Cojones At All.

A major falsehood has also been perpetuated for a long time;
people think USC is our rival.

This has been a longstanding one that needs to be cleared up.
Southern Cal is not our rival.

They’re more like a sacrificial lamb.

I hope this clears up at least a few of the misconceptions that
incoming freshmen may have.Remember, school spirit reigns supreme
here in Westwood, right below drunken debauchery and falling asleep
in class.

Traci Mack is a third-year student and the Daily Bruin sports
editor. She thinks that if God had a face, it would look like Tommy
Lasorda’s.

Traci Mack