Who cares if apathy’s the solution to all problems? Apathy: the solution to all of life’s problems

Wednesday, May 27, 1998

Who cares if apathy’s the solution to all problems? Apathy: the
solution to all of life’s problems

PHILOSOPHY: Ignoring religious cultists, getting jaded makes
life simpler

Before you read any further, allow me to be totally blunt: I
don’t care if you read or enjoy this column. It’s true. I can’t get
fired, I don’t get paid a cent. This entire column could be about
the adventures of Floyd, the hamster who loves, and my job would
still be secure.

Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want you to not read. I just
don’t really care. I don’t like you, I don’t dislike you. I
actually don’t really like or dislike anything. You see, I have
become the ultimate UCLA student; I have become apathetic.

This may not seem like an accomplishment; many of you probably
think apathy is more indicative of a lack of motivation or
conscience as opposed to being a legitimate way of life. But
nothing could be further from the truth.

The philosophy of apathy was originally set forth by Apathos, an
early Greek philosopher. Rumor was that his philosophy solved all
of life’s problems, from spontaneous combustion to the disfavor of
the gods. The only reason apathy didn’t catch on was that Apathos
never cared enough to share his philosophy with anyone. He also
really didn’t bother to learn the Greek alphabet, so writing was
pretty much out of the question. Indeed, the only reason his work
was passed on at all was that he talked in his sleep, and his lover
compulsively took dictation.

Unfortunately, even the fragments of salvaged philosophy have
not been well preserved. This catastrophe is due largely to the
philosophy being so convincing, that after the translator
deciphered the first part of the argument, he inevitably began to
stop caring whether or not he ever completed it …

Luckily, I myself independently derived some of Apathos’
conclusions this fall (while failing a midterm). I could pass them
on to you, but I’m really not in the mood.

At any rate, I’ve found that I am more than capable of
conquering the obstacles in my way, since I’ve armed myself with
apathy. I don’t deal with religious cults, overbearing parents, or
even the crazy pamphlet and ballot slinging zealots of Bruin Walk.
I simply move to class in my own daze, ignoring everything except
scantily clad sunbathers. (Too much apathy is a bad thing.)

Apathy works extremely well. If my car starts spewing
transmission fluid, I don’t fix it – I just get it towed away. When
I wake up late, I don’t rush to get ready – I turn my alarm off and
sleep in. When my clothes don’t fit anymore, I don’t get in shape –
I throw away the clothes or force my way into them. Even when
"Suddenly Susan" comes on, I don’t change the channel – I just go
into a catatonic stupor.

Now some of you out there may be saying, "Gee Dave, that
carefree, worriless lifestyle sounds good. I’m really motivated to
try it." If so, you should stop reading immediately.

However, if you’re thinking thoughts like, "I don’t care whether
this freak is apathetic or not," then you show great potential, and
should keep reading. (Or don’t: it’s a free country.)

After reading this column, you, the students of UCLA, can be
just as apathetic as me. Or not. Hey, I don’t care – if I was
pouring out my soul trying to convert you to apathy, I’d be missing
the point (not that I’d care if I did).

The first step to apathy is to become jaded with regards to your
classes. You may think this happens to all students automatically,
but actually you’re wrong. Let me give you an example:

This quarter, my anthropology professor was talking about bird
beaks. (This is unusual because, in my experience, most of
anthropology doesn’t deal with bird beaks, but rather, with making
up complex names for species that already have perfectly good
ones.) Anyway, the professor commented that longer, harder beaks
were more suited for larger nuts. Many students began laughing
hysterically at the obvious sexual implications. I found the
laughter very disheartening; it proved that those students were
listening attentively!

Being academically jaded is very important for apathy, so I’ll
let you diehards in on a little secret. Everything you learn in
school is simply fabricated drivel which allows academics (such as
professors or lifetime students) to live their entire lives without
doing real work.

I can prove it, too. Let’s use English as an example. Almost
every English student has to study "Beowulf" at some point.
"Beowulf" is lauded as a great cultural masterpiece that provides
great insights into Sumerian culture. But in actuality, "Beowulf"
wasn’t even considered a work of art by the Sumerians. No, to the
Sumerians, "Beowulf" had about as much cultural significance as
Rambo does in the United States. Rather than beholding a
masterpiece, the Sumerians saw Beowulf as a summer blockbuster
(only that film hadn’t been invented).

Just look at the damn story. In the second act, our hero dives
underwater to kill the all-powerful Grendel’s mom. The fight lasts
a long time, and Beowulf gets the worst of it. Then suddenly,
Beowulf looks on the wall of the creature’s lair and finds (I’m not
kidding) the only weapon in the world that can kill her. What a
great Hollywood moment. One can easily imagine Arnold
Schwarzenegger as Beowulf, fiercely lopping off the head of
Grendel’s mom, then saying, "You are a cut-up."

The real villain in Beowulf is the interior decorator that
Grendel hired for his mother’s underwater cave. I don’t care
whether or not it went with the drapes, it’s never a good idea to
keep the only weapon in the world which can hurt you in your living
room. But I digress.

Most "great" works of literature are simply greatly obtuse and
indecipherable, which leaves room for professors and students to
publish endless papers contradicting each other.

Of course, English is not the only pseudo-study. My own major,
physics, is also mostly fabricated. Although everything I learned
is helpful in solving hypothetical problems, in real life, the
"laws" of physics simply don’t hold up. Physicists continue to
exist academically, simply because they make their theorems so
complex and difficult to understand. But this doesn’t make the
theorems correct, it simply makes them nearly impossible to prove
wrong.

You don’t believe me? I’ll prove it. Einstein said in his
General Theory of Relativity that moving clocks run slower than
stationary ones. But if that were true, people who drove Ferraris
would age slower than the rest of the world. (I guess it would then
make sense to buy a fast car during a mid-life crisis.) If you need
further proof, just look at the whole basis of modern physics:
quantum mechanics.

Quantum mechanics is extremely complicated, so much so that a
famous physicist (Bill Nye, I think) once said that if you
understand what is going on, then you just royally fucked up. I was
very confused until my friend Ingrid explained it to me: Quantum
mechanics was invented by a bunch of physicists who were very
drunk. Their conversation probably went like this:

Maxwell: Electrons should be particles.

De Broglie: (Hic) I think they should be waves.

Heisenberg: Buuuurp! Look you puny quarks, I think they should
be both.

Einstein (throwing back a beer): I think I understand …

Schrodinger: Well that’s no good … Let’s throw in an extremely
complex and generally unsolvable equation … Does anybody
understand now?

All: No.

Schrodinger: Lets drink another round, then we can publish.

In case you still need convincing, just look at Heisenberg’s
Uncertainty Principle. He won a Nobel prize for saying that you
can’t really know anything about the physical world. It may seem
revolutionary, but many third-graders have put down similar answers
on math tests, and nobody ever gave them a Nobel prize.

If you keep an open eye in your major, you’ll find similar
problems, and eventually, you’ll be jaded and well on your way to
being apathetic.

Your next step to total apathy is to stop caring about the
people and environment around you. A good place to start is by
quitting any habits, such as holding doors open for people, helping
people pick up spilled books, or any other so-called "common"
courtesies. I’ve often heard people say that the world would be a
better place if everyone would do little favors like putting toilet
seats down and such, but I have to say that’s simply a load of
manure.

In truth, if everyone was to be courteous to everyone else, it
would just make life more annoying. Sure – at first, it would be
nice, but then we would start to expect the favors and become
accustomed to them. Then, if someone forgot, we would get upset,
thus ruining our day. Also, the sickening amount of thank you
notes, get well cards and friendship plaques would turn Hallmark
into a company with roughly the same power as Microsoft. (Then we’d
get products like Hallmark’s "Windows to the Soul 98.")

Well, there are a few more steps which are really necessary, but
I’m not too interested in sharing them. (If you’re a fast learner,
you’re not too interested in reading them, either.)

See you finals week, if I feel like it.