mug

Thursday, May 21, 1998

Do the math to resolve pesky disputes

POLITICAL: Test of political correctness offers simple solutions
to weighty issues

A great deal of court time and newspaper space is spent arguing
and analyzing disputes among people. Much of the debate focuses on
trivial details such as credibility and individual responsibility.
Political correctness gives the socially aware a way to bypass such
tedious haggling, by viewing a dispute in terms of its political
dimensions. For instance, Clarence Thomas is obviously guilty,
because he’s a man, and a Republican one at that (yes, he’s Black,
but since Anita Hill is Black also, her Blackness cancels out
his).

However, other issues aren’t so easy. Is O.J. guilty because
he’s an accused wife-batterer, or innocent, because he’s Black? Is
Paula Jones telling the truth, because no woman would ever lie
about being sexually harassed, or lying, because Clinton is a
liberal? Complicated issues such as these can sow needless strife
among the PC and prevent them from overthrowing the Straight White
Patriarchy.

But now there’s the Test Of Political Correctness. With this
test, each person gets a rating based on his or her group
affiliation, victim status and cultural sensitivity. Whenever there
is a dispute between two people, they simply need to compare their
scores. Whoever has the higher score is right.

Once this test becomes widespread, resolutions for complicated
disputes could come quickly and easily, avoiding costly court cases
and congressional hearings, and giving a lot of wealthy white male
lawyers some sensitivity training on the plight of the unemployed.
Eventually, everyone will carry their TOPC rating on a computer
chip, called a "T-chip," connected to a portable transceiver. With
the push of a button, people will be able to see who’s right in any
situation without having to step into a courtroom. Of course, we
would need to employ many computer engineers in order to implement
the T-chip nationally, and since my field is computers (at least
for the purpose of this article), some may accuse me of simply
promoting a system that will benefit my group at the expense of
others. But hey, isn’t that what PC is all about?

Group Affiliation – Pay attention to these points. In PC, your
group affiliation is your most important asset.

Race or Ethnicity:

*White ( -10; -12 if you’re also angry)

*Black/African American (+10)

*Asian American (0; -5 if you’re at any University of
California)

*Latino/a or Native American (+5)

Subtract an additional two points if your significant other is
in a group with a lower rating, you sellout!

Gender:

*Patriarchal American (-10)

*Gyno American (+10)

Sexual Orientation

*Hetero (-5)

*Bi (+5)

*Homo (+10; three-point bonus if you’re "out")

Party Affiliation:

*Republican (-10)

*Libertarian (-5)

*Democrat (0)

*New Alliance (+5)

*Socialist (+10)

*Communist (+15)

Income:

*Rich (-15; -20 if you’re a Hollywood star)

*Less than Hillary Clinton (-10)

*Less than Bill Clinton (-5)

*Earn less than $50,000 (0)

*Below poverty line (+10)

Religion:

*Christian (-10)

*Jewish (0; -5 if you support Israel)

*Muslim (+5)

*Non-Western religion (+10)

*Indigenous religion (+15)

Abilities and Challenges:

*Abundantly massed (-5 if rich and conservative; +5
otherwise)

*Any different ability in which a one-syllable Anglo-Saxon term
has been replaced with a phrase of more than five syllables
(+10)

*Stupid (no points, but endless opportunities to sue big
corporations)

Individual Adjustments:

Victimization – Add three points for each type of victimization
you have suffered. Subtract three if you have perpetrated this type
of victimization.

*Denied from a job or college admissions because of your group
status or because you didn’t score high enough on an admissions
test, which also counts because "standards" are just an excuse to
keep out non-white-males (note: whites and Asians ineligible).

*Sexually harassed (no proof is required, since no woman would
ever ever lie about this, unless she’s accusing Clinton, a Kennedy,
or someone like that).

*Heard a professor make a racist, sexist, or homophobic remark
in the classroom that targeted your group (This counts only if the
professor’s rating on the Group Affiliation part of the TOPC is
lower than yours, e.g., it doesn’t count if a Black professor talks
about Jews and the slave trade.)

Three points bonus for going to therapy for any of the reasons
above

Cultural Diversity – All of the following apply to events in the
past 12 months only. Subtract one point for each:

*Classical concert attended

*Shakespeare play attended

*Read a book by a dead, white European male

*Five hours listening to or watching Rush Limbaugh

Add one point for each:

*Rap concert attended

*"Alternative" play attended (including "alternative
interpretations" of Shakespeare plays)

*Read a book by a female or ethnic writer

*Sensitivity awareness seminar attended

Language – Add the indicated bonus or penalty for all that
apply:

*Use "he" for gender-unspecific pronoun (-3)

*Use "-man" instead of "-person," e.g., "chairman" (but "gunman"
is OK) (-2)

*Use "Black" with capital "B" (+1; +2 bonus if you also use
"white" with a lowercase "w")

*"Queer" with capital "Q" (+2)

*Alternative spelling of "woman" (+3)

Miscellaneous:

*Subtract one point for each gun you own.

*Subtract one point for each subscription you have to a porn,
hunter/gun, or right-wing rag.

*How many times do you eat red meat per week? Subtract that many
points.

*Subtract one point each time you laugh while reading this.

Attitudes – For each statement, add one point if you agree, or
subtract one point if you disagree:

*Racism = Prejudice + Power. For instance, Reginald Denny wasn’t
really a victim of a racist attack, because he had all the
power.

*Women in heterosexual relationships are sleeping with the
enemy.

*When Western cultures adopt a non-Western cultural symbol, it
is "cultural appropriation."

*When non-Western cultures adopt a Western cultural symbol, it
is "cultural imperialism."

*Anything created by white males, such as the Declaration of
Independence, is just a sham.

*Any work done at any time in history by any dead, white
European male must be judged by modern standards, without referring
to the context of the times in which it was created.

*Any part of any non-white culture that doesn’t measure up to PC
standards is most likely an indirect result of Western
oppression.

*This article is offensive.

Total Score: __