Covering all the news that’s not fit to print

Wednesday, May 20, 1998

Covering

all the news that’s not fit to print

COLUMN: Some reporters don’t know difference between rumors,
facts

Hey everybody, Mike Piazza is coming back to Los Angeles! Isn’t
it great?

You hadn’t heard? The Angels are going to trade for him. It was
on the front page of yesterday’s Los Angeles Times, so it must be
true, right?

Of course not. Over the last few years the Angels wouldn’t even
cough up the relative chump change for Tony Phillips, Chili Davis
and Rex Hudler; you think they’re suddenly happy to part with the
$100 million Mike wants?

Get real. It’s just a rumor.

But where did it come from? Where do all the rumors come
from?

Simple, people make them up.

Sure, some schmoe at a small Midwestern paper or a Southern
radio station claims he was told by inside sources that this player
is being traded, or that player is going to retire, or so-and-so is
dating Toni Braxton (this last one seems to be a real
favorite).

So, if they can do it, why can’t I?

Below are some rumors I’d like to get started – if you have any
friends, please pass ’em along:

Mike Piazza set

to return to L.A.

LOS ANGELES — All-star catcher Mike Piazza, traded by the
Dodgers less than a week ago, may be set to return to Los Angles in
an unexpected way: He could be headed for the Clippers.

Rumors have emerged over the past two days of an impending deal
between the Florida Marlins, Piazza’s current team, and Clipper
General Manager Elgin Baylor.

Marlins management has not been returning calls to the media,
but an unnamed member of the Los Angeles front office revealed that
the deal would involve the Clippers’ first overall pick in this
summer’s NBA draft, conditional second-round draft picks in 1999
and 2000, and a promise that owner Donald Sterling will rent only
from Blockbuster Video.

"We’re really high on Piazza," the source said Tuesday. "He’s
proven that he can put fans in the seats, and, quite frankly,
that’s something that we need badly.

"We fully believe that this could be our best transaction ever,
even better than drafting Benoit Benjamin instead of Chris Mullin
in 1985."

There has been no word yet as to what position Piazza would
play, or what a baseball team like the Marlins might do with a
point guard or center.

Chris Webber to be Clinton’s drug czar

WASHINGTON, DC — The White House reported Monday that President
Clinton is set to announce his selection of Sacramento Kings men’s
basketball center Chris Webber as the top official in the war on
drugs.

An anonymous intern told reporters that the President wanted
someone with hands-on experience, and that the choice came down to
Webber and Canadian snowboarder Ross Rebagliati. Ultimately, she
claimed, the president said he "had to go with the American, no
matter how ragin’ that Canadian dude is. Man, I bet he gets more
chicks than me … Nah, probably not."

Tests prove George Karl really woman

SEATTLE — Genetic testing Tuesday brought the surprise
realization the Seattle Supersonic Coach George Karl really is a
woman, a local radio station is reporting.

Station JOKE reports that tests revealed Karl has two X
chromosomes, meaning he is in fact female.

Uncertainty about his own gender caused by Laker center
Shaquille O’Neal’s calling him a "woman coach" during the second
round of the NBA playoffs, apparently spurred Karl to take the
tests.

Karl’s wife is reportedly under heavy sedation and she, not to
mention scientists, are at a loss to explain how they were able to
reproduce.

Reggie White

traded to hell

HADES — In a shocking move that may weaken their defense, but
is sure to improve their moral character, the Green Bay Packers are
reportedly set to trade Pro-Bowl defensive end Reggie White to
hell.

Neither team would comment officially, but an unidentified
source with the Infernos acknowledged a deal was in progress.

"Based on his attitude and opinions, we think he’ll be a perfect
fit," the source said.

Terms of the deal are uncertain.

Eight-year-old declares for draft

CINCINNATI, Ohio — Daniel "Snotty" Pippen, star player on the
Jerry Springer Elementary School basketball team, has reportedly
renounced his third-grade eligibility and declared his intention to
join the NBA.

Pippen led the Midget Lesbian Transvestites on Crack to a 24-6
record and the Ohio state 80-pound-and-under division title, while
averaging 22.3 points and 6 rebounds.

Snotty, so nicknamed because of a perpetually runny nose, will
be eight years, six months and five days old when the draft is held
on June 24, making him the youngest player in draft history. At
four-feet-six-and-a-half-inches, he is also believed to be the
shortest.

Jackson carrying Rodman’s child

CHICAGO — Apparently a rift between Bull coach Phil Jackson and
the team’s management is not the real reason for his leaving at the
end of the season.

In fact, the coach will be forced to step down for strictly
medical reasons: He’s pregnant with Dennis Rodman’s baby.

Television station KIDNG reports that the Zen-spouting coach and
the colorful forward fell in love during last season’s playoffs,
and that the child is due sometime in late August.

Bulls officials refused to comment on whether the baby is in
fact human.

And the most unbelievable rumor of all:

Sprewell may sue

NEW YORK — Golden State Warrior guard Latrell Sprewell
apparently plans to file a lawsuit against the NBA stemming from
his suspension for choking Coach P.J. Carlisimo.

Attorneys representing Sprewell informed the league that they
plan to file suit, seeking damages of $30 million as a result of
arbitrator Dean Feerick’s decision to uphold the 68-game
suspension, NBA sources told The Associated Press.

According to the league, Sprewell claims that the suspension,
which resulted in $6.8 million in lost wages, violated antitrust
laws, labor laws and his civil rights.

What’s that, you say? This one’s not just a rumor? Sprewell
really is considering suing the league for $30 mil?

How ’bout that … truth really is stranger than fiction.

Kariakin needs a new mug shot, as he actually looks nothing like
his photo. If you have seen the real Rob Kariakin, and can describe
him, you may be eligible for thousands of dollars in cash and
prizes. Well, not really, but drop him a line anyway at
[email protected].