Even Napoleon had shortcomings

Monday, April 20, 1998

Even Napoleon had shortcomings

GREATNESS: From stars to emperors, height one more obstacle to
tackle

Napoleon Bonaparte was a short man – yes, a short man.

Okay, some of you may prefer the term "vertically challenged."
And those who don’t care about political correctness may call him a
tall midget. But I would say that he’s actor-size. Yes,
actor-size.

You see, Napoleon was 5 feet 6 inches tall. But why is
5-feet-6-inches actor-size?

Because Tom Cruise is 5-foot-9, James Cagney is 5-foot-6, and
Dustin Hoffman is 5-foot-5. As I said, actor-size.

And you wouldn’t challenge Robert De Niro (5-foot-9) or Al
Pacino (5-foot-6), so you certainly wouldn’t threaten Napoleon,
would you?

No one would pick on Napoleon if he lived today. Who would
challenge the man? If he were in junior high, you certainly
wouldn’t have dragged him into the bathroom and stolen his lunch
money. Definitely no wedgies ever came his way.

Napoleon was a man who would make fun of Superman because he
wore tights.

If you’re still unsure of who Napoleon is, here’s the thumbnail
sketch: Napoleon was a French general, and possibly one of the most
demonstrative war heroes in written history.

I’m sure that you can imagine him riding in on his horse to
greet his troops.

As he arrives, one of them says, "Now that’s a man who looks
good on a horse."

First of all, you should know that Napoleon was a man of power
and smart enough to ride a horse high above his troops. (He was
5-foot-6 after all.)

And the soldiers who really fought the wars didn’t have the
chance to shower or change uniforms. But mud made them look dirty.
On Napoleon, however, the dirt made him look distinguished.

It was rare that Napoleon ever had mud on his uniform though;
after all, he was the general, the emperor, the leader of the free
world – OK, so maybe I’m pushing it.

But on this day he had a bandage tied around his knee.

This is strange to say the least. Naturally, the soldiers notice
that his uniform has changed to include this small accessory.

One of the soldiers says to another, "Look at that. Napoleon is
wearing something on his knee."

"It’s a bandage."

"I think that’s a sign of strength. Only a man of strength would
show that even his knee is worth bandaging."

"Really?"

"Yes. A great man understands that pain is part of life. And a
battle wound is a badge of honor."

These soldiers aren’t the only ones talking. Others in the camps
speculate about what could have happened. One voice from the crowd
says, "Who died as a result of this outrage?"

"I’m sure that at least 10 men must have died; after all,
Napoleon is a man who gives God advice." (Remember – Napoleon
crowned himself, taking the crown from the Pope. Man conquers
God.)

But what you don’t know is that most people are mushrooms –
they’re kept in the dark and are fed a lot of crap. These soldiers
were no different. They didn’t know what Napoleon was really like,
or what really happened.

Earlier that morning, Napoleon wakes at the crack of dawn.

Ash, his male servant, knocks on his door. "Emperor Bonaparte,
wake up."

Nothing.

"Sir, wake up."

Finally, Ash decides to open the door. "Wake up, sir."

Napoleon doesn’t move; apparently Napoleon isn’t a morning
person.

"Would you like the troops to know that you were sleeping in
while we were at war, Sir?"

Napoleon begins to dress and after putting on his pants he says,
"Shut up, Ash."

Napoleon is awake now. "Ash, do you know who you are? Because,
from what I remember, you are my servant. My servant. You are not
my mother. Do you understand?"

Napoleon pauses to reload. "No, of course you can’t. That’s why
you’re my servant. I made all my generals out of mud. Do you know
where that leaves you, because I don’t."

"But sir."

"But what?"

Napoleon is really awake by now and begins to walk over to Ash
with anger stitched up through his pants. Ash is soon to find out
what his career prospects are, but before Napoleon can make his way
across the room to share the good news with his servant, he trips
on his bedpan and falls forward, splitting open one of his knees
and screams, "Sacre bleu!"

Ash can’t help laughing; after all, who can resist laughing at a
man in pain? But, Ash quickly regains the composure that may have
saved his life and says, "Sir, I’m so sorry."

"You’re sorry. Is that right? You’re sorry. And how is that
going to help me? Do I have time to hear your ‘I’m sorry’s?’ No, I
don’t think I do. I need another pair of pants."

"Another pair of pants, Sir?"

"Yes, another pair of pants."

"Well, you see, Sir … Umm, well, you don’t have any extra
pairs of pants."

"What? Who am I?"

"Emperor Napoleon Bonaparte."

"Obviously, and you would think that the Emperor would have more
than one pair of pants?"

"Well, they needed to be cleaned. I didn’t think that you were
going to rip a hole in one of them. Wait sir, I have an idea. I can
just tie a bandage around your knee and the soldiers will think
that you’ve been wounded. They will think that you’re a man of
honor and strength."

"Are my troops that stupid?"

"Yes, I suppose they are."

"Of course they are, that was a rhetorical question."

Ash bolts across the room and fixes Napoleon’s pants and, well,
you know the rest of the story.

First of all, natural selection is not only for animals; it
applies to male servants as well. Ash was not Napoleon’s first
servant; the weak die and the smart survive.

Ash was smart, and one of his descendants probably works in
marketing today, selling you shoes that will make you God’s gift to
basketball.

Napoleon, on the other hand, was 5-foot-6. But this short man
grew to be an emperor. He wasn’t a morning person, was a little
clumsy and probably didn’t have many friends. Who would be
Napoleon’s friend anyway? Ghengis Khan?

But I don’t think that even Superman could save him in the end.
You remember Waterloo, don’t you? And I guess the one person who
couldn’t get past the fact that he was short was Napoleon himself.
All things told, Napoleon was a short man – a very short man – who
needed more than a bandage on his knee to save him.

Spencer Hill