Small steps can bridge the gender gap

Monday, April 13, 1998

Small steps can bridge the gender gap

HE SAID/SHE SAID: Men should be caring, show emotion, not
dismiss women for having ‘issues’

Time and time again I have overheard guys telling their friends
that they have it all figured out – women just have "issues." You
men roll your eyes and pretend that you want nothing to do with
anybody who has "issues." But realistically, you do.

Admit it – the mystery surrounding us is exactly what you are
attracted to. Most of us are complicated and you shouldn’t ignore
or be frightened off by that fact. Instead you might try taking the
time to understand the way we tick – you may find that our "issues"
make us that much more interesting. In an attempt to help the
stubborn and clueless, I’ve come up with a few things I think men
should know about women. Although I can’t guarantee you a
successful relationship, I can assure you that I hear these
complaints from friends almost every day. If you guys know these
things, maybe it will clear up some of the mystery:

1. Women appreciate men who show that they are deeper than their
macho exterior.

Don’t worry, I’m not trying to minimize your masculinity.
Confidence and strength make most men very attractive. But if you
are looking for a relationship, you will have to reveal more of
yourself. Learning to talk about your feelings may not be easy, but
in reality communication is necessary for a relationship to
blossom. Women need to feel an emotional connection. Affection is a
must in making that connection as well. Start off with trying a
simple rub of the arm or a hug. Baby steps, guys. I am confident
that all of you have an emotional side, and if you learn to reveal
it, you may find it pays off.

Let’s not overlook one major obstacle – your friends. Most guys
feel it is necessary to tease their friends when it comes to women.
Reacting to this, many men put up a tough front. Well, that may
score you points with the guys, but if you’re looking for a
relationship, you have to ignore the taunting. Soon your friends
will realize that they were only making a joke of themselves;
they’ll be acting macho alone on Saturday night – again.

2. Women need to be complimented and appreciated.

Most of us are just as nervous as you are about dating. A few
words of honest praise from you sends our confidence soaring.
Whether you tell a woman she has a beautiful smile or she looks
amazing in that dress, you can’t lose. Though many women have
trouble accepting compliments, your giving them is not in vain –
your words will not be forgotten soon.

If you think it, say it. Otherwise, she will never know. Along
the same lines, a lot of women in relationships feel unappreciated.
Many men stop giving compliments once they feel they have the woman
at their mercy. In reality, she needs constant reminders that you
appreciate her for who she is. As sappy as it sounds, she needs to
know that you feel lucky to have her in your life. A relationship
is an ongoing process and most women need to feel confident that
you care at all times. If you don’t, it’s likely that somebody else
will.

3. Women do not want advice unless they ask for it.

Most men really struggle with this one. You want to find a
solution to every problem that a woman shares with you – don’t!
Though it may sound odd to guys who are scared to vocalize their
thoughts, most women just like to talk things out. Believe it or
not, we sort out our thoughts and feelings verbally. Knowing that
you are there, listening and showing concern, is all most women
need and want. So while it may be tough, bite your tongue and just
listen.

4. A woman wants you to do nice things for her without having to
ask you to do them.

No, I do not mean fancy dinners and jewelry. Though these
extravagant things seem nice at the time (and I am not discouraging
them), unless you show that you care in other ways as well, these
elaborate gestures lose their significance.

It is important to keep in mind that once a woman tells you that
she wishes you would do something, you lose the credit for doing
it, even if you do pick up the hint. So what do we want? A phone
call in the middle of the day – just to say hi. A surprise visit. A
card telling us that you care. A rose on an anniversary (yes, they
do exist and it’s not a bad idea to know when yours is). Basically,
women want to know that they cross your mind and make you smile,
even when they’re not around. Go the extra mile – on your own.

If you get tired of hearing women say that there are no great
guys out there, prove us wrong. Stop passing us off as pathetic
women with "issues" and realize that we have a lot to offer
you.

I’m sure most men have a lot to offer as well. But you have to
be willing to put a little bit of yourself out on the line. I won’t
pretend that communicating, complimenting and showing affection
will be easy for you, but most women are looking for somebody who
does these things – or is at least willing to try.

Amy Sneed