Just say no to those scary Bruin Walk pushers

Wednesday, March 11, 1998

Just say no to those scary Bruin Walk pushers

SOLICITORS: Crafty ways to outsmart strategies

of aggravating peddlers

It’s a nice day outside, and as you walk back from class you
enjoy the sweet serenity of the chirping birds as the sun shines
brilliantly in the sky. Aren’t you glad to be done with midterms?
Now you can take a deep breath and give a sigh of relief. But off
in the distance you can see a body. Something doesn’t fit the
picture. It seems to be coming straight at you, and as it does a
darkness seems to cast over you. The birds have suddenly stopped
singing and have begun flying away. Clouds have begun to form and
cover the clouds. What’s going on?

Suddenly, the mysterious object becomes more clear – it’s a
person. And he quickly runs up and gestures to shake your hand:

Solicitor: Hi, I’m from the children’s so-and-so and we’re here
today to take donations – anything will be fine ("unga yousa gotsa
money? looka lika you have some money for kiddies").

You: Sorry, I don’t have anything on me now ("unga you here
always aska for kiddies, now me broke").

Solicitor: Do you have anything – a dollar? ("unga dollar unga
dollar")

You: I’m sorry, I don’t have anything to give you ("unga me need
eat too").

Solicitor: Maybe a dollar – just a dollar – how about a dollar?
("unga give dollar, cheap bastard, give dollar!")

You: I’m sorry, I really don’t have anything and I have to go,
too ("unga you pushy and stinky, me want go now").

Solicitor: Thank you for your time ("unga me catch you tomorrow,
make from you dollar").

You: OK, sure, man ("unga kiddies no need donation of dollar so
no starve; kiddies need donation of toothbrush to fight you
breath").

I’m sure you’ve encountered similar situations in your daily
travels along Bruin Walk. So the solicitors have managed to catch
you yet another time. No matter where you are on campus, they can
get a hold of you and they can get you to stop because they can
play on your logic and emotions. Trust me, I used to be one myself.
I used to be one of those schmucks who called during dinner to find
out if my victims were happy with their long distance service and
if they’d be willing to change companies for a scooby snack. The
first thing I was taught in training was how to get the person’s
attention and then how to move in for the kill.

If you want to avoid being the next victim, pay attention to
what the solicitor says.

The solicitor’s first step is to divert your attention away from
the fact that they don’t know you and that you don’t really want to
stop. They will act very nice, as if they were an old friend
looking for a favor. The next step is to talk and talk you into
submission. They’ll just go on and on.

So now that you know their strategy, it’s time to play their
game.

First, if someone calls and asks you to switch phone companies,
tell them OK and just switch lines before they start going on for
hours. If you’re approached on campus, walk around the solicitors
with your hands in your pockets – and make sure to face the other
way. But if you feel the necessity to say something, you may as
well have fun and scare them. "I can’t stop now, I’m late for my
appointment at the free clinic," or "My probation officer says that
I should stay away from solicitors since the last accident was
strike two" always do the trick. Or you can turn the tables and
catch them off guard. You can do this by approaching a solicitor,
shaking his hand and asking him for some money.

But if this is not direct enough, you can then simply stare them
in the eye and usher up from the bottom of your gut the loudest and
most assertive "no!" "No, I don’t want to know about the coalition
for getting lab animals better housing, and no, I don’t want to
know about how my tuition is really going toward a secret plot to
arm guerrillas in an insurgence against the government in Central
America."

Despite the fact that they can be annoying, there is no taking
away from the fact that solicitors do offer a plus when you are
bored. If you have a little time, try being just as stupid as they
pretend to be. If someone says that you really should come to the
next Young Republicans meeting and that you’d really like it, then
tell them that you’re a liberal and will gladly extend the
invitation to all your liberal friends. Add that you’ll be passing
out abortion pamphlets and bringing up topics like helping people
other than the rich, and that you’ll be holding a seminar afterward
on how to fully utilize your right to welfare. If you are lucky you
may see them pop a vain. Or you can always do a quickie: So you’re
a Young Republican, huh? OK, then grow up. You get the point. Get
on their nerves just as much as they get on yours. You can be
creative; have lots of fun.

Bruin Walk is the Lollapalooza for solicitors. Make sure to
visit the various religious booths other than yours. There you can
engage in stimulating conversations like: "The beauty is that you
don’t need to convert; you can stay with your religion but pray to
our god. It’s beautiful, isn’t it?" No, I believe the word you’re
looking for is contradiction. Say it with me now:
con-tra-dik-shon.

Along Bruin Walk, there are even mobile booths that will stick
to you and follow you for several meters, trying to get you to hold
on to a mysterious neon paper that promises to save you from the
devil and his demons.

Other booths put on a grand presentation that taxes the mind as
well as the pocket. There are men dressed in suits and bow-ties
selling newspapers. I have to say that I do like the sports-outing
solicitors who sell tickets to ski-lifts. They are quick and
to-the-point: "Hey, buuuddddy, do you ski or snowboard?" No. "Oh,
OK." See you later, Keanu.

Solicitors are everywhere and are unavoidable. Some serve a
purpose, some serve the great Nike god who will take them to space.
Some have value, some truly are wasting their breath. Some are
honest, and some are not inhaling. So when you’re late to class,
when you have no patience or when you’re broke, use your wits to
avoid getting trapped. If, on the other hand, you are bored, then
just use their own tactics and waste a couple minutes in a
conversation. Sometimes you may feel like putting your two cents
in, sometimes you don’t.