What UCLA can teach us

Monday, March 9, 1998

What UCLA can teach us

LEARNING: Secrets of restful class participation,

quarter system revealed

25-0. Do you know what those numbers represent? No, they are not
the first two numbers in the combination to Albert Carnesale’s safe
deposit box, and no, they do not represent the Bruins’ record
versus USC in football since 1973 (although I understand it’s
close). No, 25 is the total number of columns (including this one)
that I have written for the Daily Bruin since fall quarter of 1996,
and zero is the exact amount (in dollars) which I have been paid
for my services over those five quarters. (Who, me? Bitter?) Why
would I subject myself to such horrid treatment?

You guessed it – because I’m a narcissist and I love seeing that
photo in the paper every other Monday. (That and the fact that I’m
a psych major, so if it weren’t for this column I would never use
the word processor that was so graciously given to me as a high
school graduation gift.)

In any case, you’re welcome. You’re all welcome for the months
of faithful service. (But now it’s over, so get on with your
miserable little lives.)

Since this is my last ever Viewpoint column, I flirted with the
idea of making it one big
"farewell/passing-the-proverbial-Viewpoint-torch" column, but let’s
face it: with a nose like mine, you don’t flirt with anything for
long.

No, I have set aside nostalgia and sentimentalism one last time
in order to bid an appropriate farewell to my post as a Viewpoint
columnist. How will I do this, you ask? Read on, I answer. Why must
I always begin my columns with rambling, point-free introductions,
you inquire? Therapy, I respond. (Well, therapy, and it fills up
column space which would otherwise be reserved for substantive
material, which I am committed to keeping out of this paper.)

I promised to keep this column free of sentimentalism and I will
be true to my word. However, I would be remiss if I passed up the
opportunity to leave my mark with this last column. That is why I
will leave you all with my own personal university retrospective:
What I learned at UCLA. (It’s kind of like a "Cliff’s Notes" for
life.) This column is dedicated to my mom, who always asked me,
"What did you learn in school today?" (Forget that, Mom – here’s
what I learned in school my whole life.)

OK, so I was a psychology major. (What’s it to you?)

Fortunately, at a large university like ours, we are all
introduced to a wealth of topics and knowledge. That’s why I have
broken down my acquired knowledge by subject. Think you can follow
that, kids? (Good.)

Economics: One of the most important lessons I learned at UCLA
was in economics. The lesson? Quarters are life.

You need them to park, you need them to do laundry, you need
them to live. Unfortunately, I’ve found that the best place to find
these little tokens of joy is at the arcade. (Do you know of a
better place? I didn’t think so.) I have also heard that there is
some sort of beverage consumption game that can be played using
them, but I (of course) am uncertain of the truthfulness of that
particular rumor.

Biology: Biology is one subject that has always scared me, so
it’s surprising to me that I am leaving UCLA with any knowledge of
it at all. However, this lesson is one of the most important that I
learned here. Say what you will about REM sleep; my time at UCLA
has taught me that you never rest better than when you sleep in
lecture. Sure, it’s difficult to tune out your professors at first,
but once you master the skill of incorporating their voice into
your dreams, you’re set for some easy sleepin’. (Note: if you
happen to be taller than 5’6", select an aisle seat for maximum
comfort. You run greater risk of being singled out by the professor
when you’re on the aisle, but it’s definitely worth it to be able
to stretch those legs. "Zzzz…")

Sociology: Now here’s a subject that I can get excited about.
You could easily spend four years waiting for a single "fact"
studying sociology, so consider yourself blessed that I am
including one here, free of charge. The sociological lesson that I
learned during my stay in Westwood is that when you’re with a large
group of people, it’s perfectly acceptable (in fact, you’re
encouraged) to yell, "Go home" or "Who’s he?!" when someone’s name
is announced over a public address system. (Socialization at its
finest, so? Thank you, UCLA!)

Political Science: OK, I’ll be honest. Before I came to UCLA, I
didn’t have a clue what political science was. And OK, I still
really don’t know, but I would classify this next lesson as being
of the poly-sci persuasion anyway. My years at UCLA have taught me
that nothing in our world should ever go unprotested, and that the
most important ingredient in a social protest is not anger or
desire for reform or a charismatic leader. No, the most important
ingredient in a protest is chalk for Bruin Walk. (That way,
everyone who visits UCLA for years to come will know that you
protested your cause Thursday at noon in Westwood Plaza.)

History: If I understand correctly, history is the study of the
past. One thing that I learned about my past from UCLA is that
nothing they teach you in high school has any use once you leave
high school. Don’t believe me? Try this simple test: go rent Billy
Madison. Fast forward to the end, where Billy has the academic
decathlon of high school knowledge with his nemesis Eric, and try
to complete any of the tasks they face. Or try this: speak for more
than 30 seconds in the foreign language you studied in high school.
Define cosine? Sine? Even better, just try to name five teachers
you had in high school. ("Um, there was Mr. Birken-something, and
Mrs. Tress-or-other for English, I think…")

Journalism: Not surprisingly, I also learned an important lesson
about journalism at UCLA. I learned that it’s OK to mock other
columnists in your column, but that it’s unwise to mock one whose
column runs the day after yours. Unfortunately, our buddy Michael
Daugherty (whose column ran Friday) has not learned that lesson.
Maybe Daniel Inlender has been forgiving, but I’m not. (Watch your
back, Mike, I’m a lot tougher than I look in that picture.)

Lastly, there are two things that I’ve learned in the past 21
years outside of UCLA; you can file these under "Life".
(Incidentally, I always try to end my columns with a joke. Sadly,
this is not one of those times.) Two things I’ve learned … I love
my mom, and I love Jesus. (You should, too.) Thanks for reading,
everybody.

Justin Horey