Sports as we know it succumbing to a mouse

Wednesday, February 25, 1998

Sports as we know it succumbing to a mouse

COLUMN: Tradition trampled as Disney keeps cropping up
everywhere

I can recall with fond memories when Disney meant something good
beyond good.

As a kid, good meant sleeping over at a friends house and eating
pizza. Disney somehow eclipsed that definition of good by a long
shot.

I mean Disneyland is the Happiest Place on Earth. To a child,
this is completely accurate.

Riding on Space Mountain, the Matterhorn and Pirates of the
Caribbean was about the most wonderful thing I could think of.

But just as with Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth
Fairy, as you grow older you learn to see the strings and you
realize that magic isnt really magic after all.

Now that Im a big boy, I have learned that Disney is bad beyond
bad.

Disney, of course, hasnt changed, but as I alluded to before, Im
just more aware of what is happening behind the scenes.

As Ive heard, Disney was once relatively small. A guy named Walt
initially put together a cartoon, expanded by building a theme park
and suddenly, posthumously created a company of behemoth
proportions.

If you are now wondering what this random configuration of
insignificant babble is doing in the sports section, Ill tell
you.

(Note: The rest of the way Ill refer to Disney as Mickey for
intimacy purposes.)

Along the course of Mickeys bingeing of American consumerism
(i.e., his conquest of the world), he decided to dip his little
round nose into sports.

A few miles down the Interstate Highway 5 from Disneyland, with
a quick transition onto the 57 Freeway, Mickey created an arena to
house his new expansion hockey team named after his highly
successful film The Mighty Ducks.

Mickey made his maiden voyage into the sports world by naming a
hockey team among a field of teams ranging from the Blackhawks to
the Sabres to the Redwings the Ducks.

This team has had little success so far, but this can be
expected from a relatively new franchise. Despite the lame name, I
will cut him a break this time.

A few years later Mickey started to get personal when he sunk
his tiny incisors into baseball specifically, my beloved California
Angels.

I realize hes cute with his little whiskers and soprano voice,
but the moment he bought into this team, he changed its look with
reckless abandon.

Before Mickeys intervention, California Angel paraphernalia had
reached an all-time high in sales with its new logo, which had been
brought back from the original Angel uniforms of the 1960s.

Mickey, however, would have none of it.

He is not happy with the mere acquisition of a franchise. If
Mickey owns something, that something must reek of rodent.

Translation: If a franchise becomes a Mickey franchise, every
drop of respectability or anything on the uniform which might be
construed as intimidating must be eighty-sixed.

The result: A new-improved logo which features angelic wings:
white as snow and fluffy as a cumulus cloud, lifting the A skybound
accompanied with periwinkle jerseys.

Let me say that again so that it sinks in:

Periwinkle.

You know the color Im talking about. The one that stays
permanently sharp in every young boys Crayola 64 crayon set due to
non-use, along with lavender, rose and pink.

Of course, like the hockey team, this ingenious move on Mickeys
part was prompted by a movie, Angels in the Outfield.

In order to get us up to date on Mickeys financial decisions
regarding professional athletics, Ill jump ahead to earlier this
month.

Mickeys latest ploy (in his pursuit of world dominance) was a
series of billboards scattered around the Orange County area
promoting the renovation of Anaheim Stadium and its renaming. The
signs read Kiss your Big A goodbye. Theres a brand new theme park
in Anaheim. Edison Field. The ultimate playground.

Theme park?

Playground?

I realize that kids love sports, and I wouldnt want it any other
way, but do we have to build franchises and ball parks which cater
to children exclusively?

For the record, Mickey is throwing aside the name Anaheim
Stadium or The Big A for $1.4 million per year from an electric
company.

The new title: the Edison International Field of Anaheim. Now
thats a mouthful. Can you imagine a kid asking his father, Daddy, I
want to see the Angels play! Can you please take me to the Edison
International Field of Anaheim?

The Big A has been around since the stadium was built in 66. I
realize that the Angels are nowhere near a storied team. They are a
perennially losing team and have never been to the World Series,
but tradition is tradition.

Tradition might not mean much in all sports, but baseball is
driven by tradition. Changing the name of a stadium just for some
extra change, which is all $1.4 million is to Mickey, is unfeeling
and lacks any sense of integrity or respect for the game.

Just for good measure, Ill mention, for those who are not aware
that Mickey owns both ESPN and ABC, last month he shelled out over
$9 billion over eight years to the NFL for the television rights to
Monday Night Football and the entire cable television package,
knocking Time Warners Turner Broadcasting Inc. out of contention
for this honor. On top of this, a source close to Mickey said he
will undoubtedly bid for NBCs ER, which will become available
soon.

Is there any doubt that Mickey will not stop until he has the
world held safely between his minute paws?

Its really a tragedy. This loveable little rodent I loved so
dearly as a child has been transformed into a snarling, drooling
creature with rabies, bearing his fangs, looking determinedly for
new prey.

Whats next?

I can see it now:

Mickey ears on top of the Big A structure (which he was so
generous in sparing).

Donald Duck giving the half-time report.

Or maybe a new basketball franchise named the Dalmatians the
players wearing polka-dotted uniforms and a yipping canine sound
bite on the P.A. after every Dalmatian basket.

Hummel is a Daily Bruin contributor and a fifth-year English
student. Potential friends and enemies can write to
[email protected].