Creating your own fun anywhere on campus

Wednesday, February 11, 1998

Creating your own fun anywhere on campus

CAMPUS: Overcome the drudgery of school by heeding these clever
tips

By Alon Frydman

"So you see, it is the actual existence of the lac operon in the
DNA of the Caribbean cockatoo which allowed it to act as an
instigating element in the conflict between Westside macaws and
Eastside macaws, finally culminating in today’s unrest."

If this is anything close to what you hear in your classes, then
I’m sure you’re either daydreaming or trying to think of something
better to do with your time. Well, get out your pen and paper
because what you are about to receive is the recipe to have fun at
school, anywhere on campus.

When walking around, set your sights on someone you don’t know
and who is apparently walking solo. Make eye contact; once you
catch his or her attention, it’s time to play random freak who you
should remember but don’t.

"Hey, how’s it goin’? I haven’t seen you since orientation! Wow,
remember Ackerman? Where have you been? I can’t believe I haven’t
run into you since – wow, I don’t believe this, what a
coincidence!"

What a coincidence is right, as the other person looks at you.
You know that he or she is about to piss in his or her pants
because they’re thinking that either you have the best memory in
the world, or you’re some freak who’s been stalking them in hopes
of keeping them in some basement to keep their hungry chihuahua
company. See how far you can take the conversation before the other
person threatens to visit the policeman who has a record of beating
criminals to a pulp.

In between classes, there’s always time to kill. If you are
fortunate enough to have two other friends with you, you are
already equipped to take advantage of the natural habitat.

Probably the most natural thing in the UCLA habitat is the
Furriest rattus, otherwise known as the squirrel. That’s right, all
you animal activists: I propose that we have a little bit of fun
with the animals because they’ve gotten to be a little too friendly
with my lunch. So having made clear that I do not condone cruelty
to animals, but rather, the equally euphemistic "predator-prey"
refresher course, we may embark on the following: Spotting a
squirrel, you must immediately slow down. Have your two friends
slowly veer off, one to the left and the other to the right.

Now in flanking positions, you are ready to converge on the
squirrel; do so very slowly so as not to scare the animal, but also
to show him that there is no way out. The showdown is set. As he is
surrounded, feel the slow motion set. You can hear the famous
whistle from "The Good, the Bad and the Ugly" playing somewhere in
the distance: "Waoo waoo wa." As the two of you look straight into
each other’s eyes, the question lingers as to who will flinch
first. He stands still; his nuts in his hand and his two teeth
sticking out cause him to have a sinister grin. Even though you may
lack nuts, the burrito from the Cooperage is burning so bad that
your face is transformed to a really pissed-off Clint Eastwood with
indigestion. You can see the fear in his whiskers. That’s right,
kimosabe, the bonanza’s over and I’m runnin’ you outta campus! Make
your move, but since the squirrel’s too fast, it may escape your
clutches and run off toward sunset. But you know you’ll meet
again.

Moving from squirrel showdowns to people movers, elevators are
the most awkward places on campus. Nowhere else can you be close
enough to smell whether or not a person is "Sure." But for some
reason when the door closes, silence is the only thing you can
hear. This occasion calls for something really spicy (Warning: This
is not an excuse to play music from the Spice Girls or talk about
them like you know them – no Slutty Spice, no Smelly Spice and
definitely no Old Spice). Take two of your friends – one really big
and one really small person. Put these two in a crowded elevator
and have them do the following: As the doors close, the big guy
should look at the little one and then menacingly scream out the
other person’s name. The situation: The little guy owes money to
the giant, and the giant, for lack of a better word, is mad.

The big guy starts off with some mild shouts of "where the hell
is my money? You’ve said you’ll pay me back for a couple of weeks
and I’m not gonna take this anymore!" You know, it’s a scene where
the usual small-time mobster is out 30 bucks and demands his money
now. As the other people in the elevator start to stare in silence,
it’s time to get physical! That’s right, it’s time to work up a
little sweat to burn off the extra two pounds of insulation
accumulated during winter break.

Grab your partner and shove him against the wall. The other guy
should try to weasel his way out of it but break down somewhere in
the middle. Keep screaming and shouting things like "when I’m done
with your face, you won’t know if your Preparation-H should be used
as a suppository or your daily vitamin!" As the elevator stops, you
can graciously escort your friend (by the neck) outside for further
discussion without any witnesses. If you have other friends in the
elevator, they will get a kick out of everybody’s facial
expressions as you drag the victim out. If you really want to get
an extra laugh, have your friends ask what Preparation-H is after
you have left.

In class, when the lecture is going slowly enough that you’ve
entered that half-awake, half-asleep phase – the kind where the
lecture melts into your dream – you might imagine that you and
Chaucer are cruising down wildfire blasting poetry on the radio, so
wake up. First thing you do while you have your eyes open is to see
who’s around you. If you see that there’s someone around you who is
awake and is attentively taking notes, then you’ve found your
target. Depending on what you have with you, there are various ways
that you can both annoy the person next to you and find a reason to
stay awake. The sick routine is always best if you have a couple of
tissues handy and are sitting no more than one seat away. Start off
by making a few groans, as if you’re suffering from some attack.
Then pull out one tissue as if it’s your last. Using your nose and
some of your natural culture, roll the tissue into a ball but
continue to use every inch of the tissue ball, not necessarily
placing anything on it. Continue the pretend mode as you start to
sniffle and touch your nose with your sleeve. Once the good
neighbor has noticed that you’re the star of "Outbreak 2," you’re
ready to have a little bit of fun. Start to ask them if they can
see the board, but drop your tissue on their paper by mistake. Then
graciously say you’re sorry, while simultaneously trying to wipe
off the imaginary germs from every square inch of the notes. Being
a kind person, your neighbor probably won’t say a word but will
definitely start to contemplate whether or not to continue writing
on that sheet of paper. You know you’ve done a good job if the
person busts out another piece of paper, and especially if he puts
away that piece of paper with the tips of his fingers.

I supplied you with a couple of pranks to do that could possibly
get you into trouble – so here’s my disclaimer: I am not in any
way, shape or form suggesting that anything in this article be
taken any further than the hypothetical realm of outright
buffoonery, hooliganism or WWF-style actions. In other words, if
you give a heart attack to the granny in the elevator, if the
squirrel has allies in CALPIRG, if you are responsible for
spreading that damn flu that has something to do with chickens,
then I don’t know you. All that I suggest is that even in a place
like school where things are bland, if you can see the
sweet-and-sour nature of our rigorous lives, and if you want a
taste of something new, then a joke is what’s on the menu. The
world is your playground – just lick it.