Horey predicts pantless future for UCLA

Monday, January 12, 1998

Horey predicts pantless future for UCLA

SCHOOL:

1998 — Today is not only the first day of winter quarter, it is
also the first day of UCLA for many of our cold-weathered friends,
the Winter Bruins. If you count yourself among the Winter Bruins,
consider yourself officially welcomed to UCLA by me.

Heck, consider this column dedicated to you. (It isn’t, but
consider that it is.)

Yes, today is the first day of winter quarter (incidentally, my
last quarter here) and today’s Daily Bruin is the first of the new
year. Uninterestingly enough, this is the second year in a row that
I have had the privilege of being the first columnist of the new
year. How do I plan to celebrate this milestone, you ask? By
recycling my column idea from one year ago today. I’m sure none of
you remember it well … last year on the first day of winter
quarter I featured Justin Horey’s Psychic Predictions for UCLA
1997. I was not then (nor am I now) a psychic, but I watch a lot of
late night television, and from what I can gather, the lack of
actual psychic abilities does not preclude you from making a living
as a psychic in this country. So feel free to enjoy Justin Horey’s
Psychic Predictions for UCLA in 1998. (What a difference a year
makes.)

To make this easy for those of you who are unfamiliar with the
"psychic" world, I have gone ahead and broken my predictions down
by month. (If you have trouble following that, you may want to put
down the paper and head over to Franz Hall where you can change
your major to psychology.) Here we go – Justin Horey’s 12 Psychic
Predictions for UCLA 1998 …

January: Chancellor Albert Carnesale announces his New Year’s
resolution: to become UCLA’s first "no pants" chancellor. His
resolution is met with disgust by everyone in the UCLA community
except his girlfriend, who remarks that "the man owns nothing but
damn ugly pants." The pants-free chancellor idea is scrapped, but
at the urging of one underweight caucasian columnist, Pants-Free
Viewpoint appears in the Daily Bruin mid-month.

February: Pants-Free Viewpoint is abandoned when multiple
columnists begin to complain of numbness in their lower extremities
as a result of El Nino. Few notice, as the campus is (for the
second year in a row) stunned to see hundreds of women chaining
themselves to Kerckhoff, demanding "a Valentine’s kiss from the
columnist with the big mouth picture." My press release reads: "I
swear to God I have a girlfriend! I’ll even tell you her screen
name!"

March: Undaunted by reactions to his new year’s resolution, our
buddy Al Carnesale celebrates St. Patrick’s Day by painting himself
green. Only the women still chained to Kerckhoff notice, as
everyone else is left reeling by UCLA point guard Baron Davis’
announcement that he’s going to enter the NBA after the first round
of the NCAA tournament.

April: Reg fees are raised for spring quarter, and one letter to
Viewpoint suggests that "Carnesale needs money to pay to have
himself ungreened. The guy friggin’ used Sears Weatherbeater or
something!" Baron Davis announces that his NBA plan was all just a
poorly timed April Fool’s joke, but it is too late because with
Brandon "Who, Me?" Lloyd at point guard, the Bruins lose to
Southeast Fresno Junior College in the second round of the
tournament.

May: The requisite USAC elections roll around, and freshman UCLA
hoops phenom Earl Watson wins the office of USAC president as a
write-in candidate. His acceptance speech? "Thanks, but I’m going
to the NBA with Baron." In other news, my birthday (on the 29th)
goes unrecognized by the Daily Bruin for the second year in a
row.

June: Van Halen (on tour with new singer Gary Cherone of
Extreme) plays a show at the Rieber fireside lounge. Only the Van
Halens’ mother and two on duty RA’s are in attendance. At the
psychology commencement ceremony later in the month, one very thin
graduate is heard to moan, "Four stinking years here and I never
met the URSA lady!"

July: The heat of the L.A. summer begins to get to Chancellor
Carnesale (a Harvard product), and he suggests that all staff and
faculty reconsider adopting his no-pants idea themselves. Summer
Session students are thoroughly outraged, and one undergrad
suggests that "maybe that sicko Carnesale would’ve been happier at
UC Santa Cruz."

August: Summer Session C brings a troop of visiting professors
from the University of Sweden. Not surprisingly, Carnesale’s policy
discovers new popularity with students.

September: UCLA football coach Bob "Holy" Toledo single-handedly
kills the no-pants faculty issue once and for all when he wears
leopard-skinned briefs at the Oregon State game. "Damn airline lost
my regular briefs" is the statement issued by his lawyer. Steve
Lavin is rumored to purchase a case of Joe Boxers later that
day.

October: Viewpoint falls into disarray when a suitable successor
to yours truly cannot be found. "The Skinny White Jackass was an
institution, and we were foolish to think that our new ‘Overweight
Asian Guy’ could ever fill his void," is Viewpoint’s printed
apology. Viewpoint’s subsequent decision to rerun my old columns
(and mainly those from 1996-1997 since they were funnier) gains
them the nickname, "The Nick at Nite of the Daily Bruin."

November: The UCLA football squad crushes cross-town "rivals"
the USC Trojans for the eighth straight year. (Hey, you don’t need
to be a psychic to predict some of this stuff.) The only noteworthy
twist is that this year,the Bruins play (you guessed it) without
pants. UCLA quarterback Cade McNown marvels, "I have never felt so
free. Where’s my Heisman!?!"

December: The Bruins lose their bid for the Rose Bowl when an
ancient NCAA rule requiring that all players wear pants at all
times is unearthed.

One UCLA yell leader (presumably after excessive exposure to the
sun) quips, "Yeah? Well, I’ll bet you a hundred bucks there’s no
rule in there about yell leaders! Somebody help me with this
button-fly."

Well, there you have them, Bruins – Justin Horey’s Psychic
Predictions for UCLA 1998. It looks like it just might be another
exciting year in Westwood, but as always, don’t come crying to me
if you lose money betting on these predictions (because gambling is
illegal and wrong anyway). Whatever you do, please do us all a
favor and put your pants back on.

Justin Horey