Take a moment and feel sorry for the poor, misguided folk

Wednesday, November 19, 1997

Take a moment and feel sorry for the poor, misguided folk

COLUMN:

Some confused ones must be pitied for their Trojan alliances

Question: How many Trojans does it take to screw in a light
bulb?

Answer: Only one, but he’ll get eight credits for it.

Around this time every year, every Bruin’s thoughts turn to one
thing. No, not Thanksgiving break. I mean the big game, the annual
ritual sacrifice of Trojans by our beloved Bruin football team, the
opportunity to kick some blood-and-mustard-colored butt. This week
is an amalgam of effigy burnings, car smashing and crude, yet
hilarious pranks, as we college students act out our basest desire,
to mutilate our cross-town rivals at Figueroa Tech.

However, for me, this week is a week of war.

For I am Trojan spawn.

I have Trojan blood coursing through my veins. I learned the
Southern Cal fight song ("Fight on, for old ‘SC…") along with the
ABCs. My mother, a loud and proud USC graduate, raised me to never
hate anyone, unless that person was from Notre Dame or UCLA. As a
child, I was regaled with tales of my mother’s class rigging
Powell’s bell to play the Southern Cal fight song.

I love my mother very much. However, growing up Trojan was no
easy task, especially when I chose to rectify my family’s mistakes
and attend the right school. It brought out a side of her that I
had not known existed.

It has been an ongoing battle with Mom ever since I got those
UCLA acceptance papers. When I applied to colleges, my mother the
Trojan (hereinafter referred to as MMTT) told me that money was no
object when it came to my education. Now that I am a Bruin, she
grumbles at every bill that comes to our house with a UCLA
letterhead. She cannot stand to be on campus; she always refers to
Westwood as "that place." I am not allowed to put up anything
remotely Bruin-related in the house. The screen saver on our
computer at home alternately reads "Go Bruins!" and "Go
Trojans!"

Last year around this time, MMTT did some heavy trash-talking,
even going so far as to turn off the game after the first quarter,
sure of a Trojan victory. When we emerged victorious, I returned
home to find my blue and gold pom-poms mutilated and strewn about
my room. So much for Trojan dignity.

When asked if she had anything to say in her alma mater’s
defense for the purposes of this column, MMTT simply stated that
she didn’t know where she went wrong with me. Um, I don’t know, by
teaching me to make smart decisions?

I guess I can see what Trojans see in their school. They give
you credits for things like archery, for crying out loud (true
­ it was on my mom’s schedule). You can’t beat the location;
you can learn army-style survival skills, dodging bullets on your
way to psych class. And I have heard that the food there is really
good. However, I would not order anything that claims to be beef
(What do you think they did with Travelers I-IV?).

OK, enough with the undignified rant about MMTT’s alma mater.
Bruins are above that sort of thing. I guess my point in writing
this (yes, contrary to popular belief, I do have one) is that
Trojans are people too, no matter how misguided. And as enlightened
ones, we must make an effort to understand them and even come to
love their idiosyncrasies, as I have with my mother’s.

I have been to the dark side of Trojan life, my friends, and
fortunately I have seen the light. This week, let us all be
thankful that we don’t go to that school across town. Finally, to
any Trojans (including my mother) reading this, I have two things
to say. First off, we feel for you all ­ it must be hard
keeping up that losing streak. Secondly, the very fact that you’re
even reading the Daily Bruin means you have acknowledged our vast
superiority.

Go, Bruins!

Mack is an assistant sports editor who will most likely be
disowned for this column. She predicts a Daily Bruin victory in the
Blood Bowl this Friday. E-mail responses to [email protected].