When private parts go public

Tuesday, November 11, 1997

When private parts go public

PENISES We may have the right, but do we really want to
know?

I can be candid, can’t I? Let’s talk penis. More specifically,
let’s talk political penis. Let’s talk about not talking about
President Clinton’s penis.

If you really want to learn about the penis of the president of
the United States, where should you look? His doctor’s records?
Possibly. Hillary’s diary? Certainly. The next issue of Playgirl?
Eventually. But commoners such as you and I who don’t have access
to such documents can get the scoop on the First Penis by picking
up certain newspapers or magazines.

Thanks to Paula Jones, we know all the dirt on Bill’s dangling
friend. Curious about its size or shape? Want to know if he has an
irregular vein or distinguishing mole? Look to Newsweek, the
Washington Post or a host of other prestigious publications that
cover life-altering news events. They can tell you all you ever
wanted to know (and didn’t want to know) about the potus penis.

Obviously, the First Penis is feeling very proud of itself these
days. Andy Warhol predicted that everyone has their 15 minutes of
fame; I guess he meant phalluses as well. In light of the Jones
allegations, the President’s penis is now a conversation topic that
friends and family members can enjoy at a backyard barbecue while
dad roasts weenies on the grill.

In case you haven’t read the Penis Press yet, Jones claims that
Clinton’s penis has a "distinguishing characteristic." Her plot is
to identify the mystery characteristic and get a doctor to second
it, thus proving that she saw Clinton’s penis when he told her to
"kiss it" in an Arkansas hotel room in 1991.

Don’t believe me? Check out the official court documents. Jones’
spokeswoman, Susan Carpenter MacMillan (big-haired conservative
trying to be important), is asking for past urological records
including the name of every doctor who has performed surgery or
medical procedures on Clinton’s genitalia. The Jones team is also
trying to obtain information about treatment received by Clinton
for any genital disease or abnormality.

For a while, we didn’t know what the distinguishing
characteristic was. We were left to pontificate upon this noble
topic. What could it possibly be?

Is Bill’s penis akin to Dirk Diggler’s in "Boogie Nights"? Is it
tattooed with the word "Mom"? Is it covered with birthmarks that,
when connected, form the shape of a donkey?

Of course, Clinton’s lawyer, Robert S. Bennett, denied the
allegation. He said, "There is absolutely no unique characteristic
of any kind … in terms of … size, shape, direction, whatever.
… The president is a normal man."

With so many conflicting stories (weird penis? normal penis?)
there was only one way to settle the confusion. Clinton would have
to face his fear and whip it out during the next televised
presidential address. Only then could we put our dirty minds at
ease.

Thank god things never got that far. The previously vague
allegations were clarified on Oct. 15 in the Washington Times.
Having seen the Jones affidavit, the Times reported that Clinton
had "a distinctly angled bend visible when the penis is erect."

A curve in the Clinton administration! This is way more than I
need to know.

Could Jones’ eyes have deceived her? Her attorney James A.
Fisher said, "This is not something she would have studied for a
very long time … it would have been a quick glance … given the
stress of the situation."

Are we really talking about this?

Am I the only one who sees the absurdity here? Am I the only one
who thinks it may just be a little on the bizarre side to discuss
the private parts of the president of the United States of America?
Would I be going too far if I called it downright sick?

Don’t get me wrong. I like penises as much as the next gal. But
there is something really odd about this. I watch Clinton stand in
front of the House of Representatives and all I can think about is
his penis! I see him shaking the hands of schoolchildren and all
that comes to mind is penis!

What did the president of China think about Clinton’s penis? I’m
sure Newt Gingrich can’t get it out of his mind. I’ll bet he built
a distinctly angled shrine to Clinton’s penis, thanking it for
ruining the president’s career.

Conservatives indirectly use the power of the penis to evoke
strong responses from the American public. Here’s my theory:

Although people claim that women have penis envy, our society
actually has a penis obsession. We love penises! The penis, even in
our modern age, still symbolizes power. Men cherish their penises,
name them and love them as they love their cars, even going so far
as to wax them lovingly until they shine. The Washington Monument,
a symbol of this country’s power, is in the shape of a giant
phallus! And coincidentally, it stands in Clinton’s front yard.

Besides the obvious attempt to embarrass and humiliate the
president, there is another subconscious element at work. By
exploiting the minute imperfections of Clinton’s penis, his
conservative opponents attempt to brainwash the public into
thinking that his presidency is laden with flaws.

They focus on a part of him that is literally and
psychologically vulnerable, then try to cut his power by cutting
down his penis! (Cutting it down, not off, Bobbitt freaks.)
Everyone knows that real men have perfect penises, so, reasonably,
at the base of every imperfect penis is an imperfect man.
Furthermore, backers of Jones (like the Rutherford Institute) are
noticeably conservative. It is little more than a sick political
ploy.

Let’s just forget, for a second, that this guy is the president
of one of the most powerful nations in the world. Let’s pretend
he’s your average Ol’ Pete with a penis. Doesn’t he deserve the
integrity and privacy that we all enjoy?

Imagine, for a moment, that it was your penis that was creating
such havoc. Would you want the entire world to joke about your
nasty mole or uncircumcised tip?

I am an ardent supporter of freedom of the press, and I am in
great favor of the people’s right to know. But here, we don’t have
the right to know. I think Clinton can be quite accountable to the
public without his penis getting in the way. While it is necessary
to delve into his past to examine the possibility of sexual
harassment, we can do without the juicy details!

I admit that my roommates and I love to sit around and discuss
such tasty topics as penile proportions, but we have never spent
time on that of the president. It’s sacrilegious! It’s like talking
about your dad’s penis! It’s just plain gross!

Enough about the POTUS penis. Can we leave the guy alone? Even
if he did proposition Paula (though God knows why he ever would),
the legal teams should allow the civilized proceedings to take
place in public and leave the rest of it in the bedroom. Let’s turn
off this political porno!

It has, however, been greatly amusing.

Stephanie Pfeffer