Predictions for NBA’s season reveal the East’s beasts, feasts

Thursday, November 6, 1997

Predictions for NBA’s season reveal the East’s beasts,
feasts

COLUMN: Valued guesses include predators, prey, outcome of
Conference

Congratulations, you’ve successfully made it through an entire
week without knowing my thoughts on the NBA’s Eastern
Conference.

I know it was rough: night sweats, little appetite, crankiness,
bloating. For seven long days, you writhed in the agony of a hell
unlike no other.

But suffer no more, faithful readers; I’m back, and you can once
again put the trivialities of your feeble lives aside for the five
glorious minutes it takes you to read my sweet prose.

Oh, how I envy you, for I cannot experience the ecstasy that you
all take for granted: That treasured feeling of expectation that
swells up in your souls when you see my handsome portrait adorning
the back of this fine paper.

And then the joyous moment itself, the actual discovery of my
heavenly thoughts before you in print. I have heard the experience
can be orgasmic.

But, alas, I cannot enjoy this as you do. For, by the time those
sweet words have graced the page, they are old to me. Oh the pain I
endure by not having someone like myself to look up to.

So, please, rise from your knees. Clearly I am no god; merely a
super-human.

But enough about me. You have been on the edges of your seats
for a week now, so I won’t make you suffer any longer.

The Beast(s) of the East:

Bulls (Central): Pippen’s out until January, Kukoc is banged up,
Rodman’s Rodman and the Bulls could easily lose more games (23)
than in the last two seasons combined. Yep, they’re definitely
going to the Finals.

Knicks (Atlantic): Once again, it’s now or never: NY traded away
a trio of promising young forwards, chief among them John Wallace,
for two players they think will make an impact now. The series with
the Bulls (no matter where in the playoffs it happens) will be a
war, but even Patrick Ewing must have a sneaking suspicion of who
will ultimately come out on top.

Pacers (C): Bird is the word, but Mullin is the question: if he
stays healthy come playoff time, this team could make the
conference finals; if he doesn’t, they flame-out in the first
round.

Heat (A): Was Pat Riley doing it with smoke and mirrors last
year? Whatever it was, the Knicks and Bulls saw right through it in
the playoffs. Hell, even the Magic caught on towards the end. This
year they won’t be so lucky.

Hornets (C): The surprise team of last season got better and
bigger in the off season. They won’t surprise anyone this year, but
it won’t matter; they’ll make the second round even if they have to
knock off one of the big boys to do it.

Hawks (C): Atlanta has one of the best starting fours in the
league; problem is it takes five to play and a bench to win.
Flat-out dissed in the free-agent market and straight-armed by the
Warriors over Mullin, the Hawks once again have no legitimate small
forward to go with the Fab Four of Leattner, Motombo, Blaylock and
Steve Smith (sorry Steve, but when your last name’s Smith, you can
never be a single-name star, no matter how much game you have).
Squirrel look-alike Ed Gray from Cal should provide scoring off the
bench, but after that it gets very, very thin.

Magic (A): Damn it, Ed; you can’t be this bad. UCLA’s favorite
son got cut by Orlando last week, so maybe I’m just being
vindictive, but I say the Magic get served in the first round.

Pistons (C): Going down. The Pistons-Wizards race could be the
most interesting in the league, but in the end, there will be just
too much Grant Hill for Washington to handle.

The Feast (You know, on which the Beasts will dine. It’s a play
on words with East, like last week’s Best-Rest-West joke. See? Oh,
screw you then.):

Wizards (A): Is this really a name of an NBA franchise? For the
first time in a long time, the nation’s capital actually has one,
and it’s just a matter of time before they start making some
serious noise.

Bucks (C): Milwaukee made out the best in one of those rare
trades in which everyone (Sonics and Cavs being the others)
improved, and finally resolved their point-guard question. However,
they could win 15 more games than last year and still miss the
playoffs; there simply isn’t an open playoff slot. But next year
…

Nets (A): John Calipari paid a huge price for Keith Van Horn.
Van Horn will be worth it: 30-plus wins for the first time in years
and a Rookie of the Year upset. Take that, Tim Duncan!

Raptors (C): Eventually, Isaiah Thomas is going to have to trade
some of the good young talent he has assembled for some great young
talent, that is if he’s still around to do it. This team is
unbelievably deep, but Damon Stoudamire, its only real star, will
bolt next season if Thomas is not still in charge.

Cavaliers (C): Heh, heh, heh! Enjoy the money, Reign Man; Vin
Baker will be enjoying the wins.

76ers (A): Exhibit A for the argument against the
rotisserie-league approach to team management, Philly boasts one of
the most talented lineups in the game, but managed a pitiful 22
wins last season. Look for much of the same unless Larry Brown
works miracles and gets the idea of "team" into his players’
heads.

Celtics (A): Ah, what could have been: visions of Duncan
hoisting banners danced in the heads of Bostonians like so many
sugar plum fairies. Then San Antonio GM Gregg Popavich played
Grinch and stole him away in the dead of night. Oh well, there’s
always the Patriots.

And, last but not least, a Finals prediction:

God help me, but I’m taking the Lakers over the Bulls in the
best damn Finals we’ve seen since John Paxson’s trey put Barkley
& Co. out of business. This is going to be the one you keep
annoying your grandkids with stories about.

The highlight of the series will come when Rodman’s head
explodes at center court because of an electromagnetic field caused
by the gold highlights in his hair and NBC’s SkyCam. Fans will be
showered with much tattooed skin and body piercings, but very
little brain matter.

And in Utah, there will be much rejoicing.Rob Kariakin