Until divorce do we part?

Tuesday, October 28, 1997

Until divorce do we part?

MARRIAGE Taking marriage vows the problem with modern
relationships

"I’m the only one of all my friends whose parents haven’t
divorced." Did you ever say that? I did only five months ago. Not
anymore. That ol’ affirmation is invalid. I am proud to say that I
have joined the divorce wave of the ’90s. My family, too, is
dysfunctional.

To some of you, this is silly. Perhaps your parents divorced
when you were nine, and you hardly remember it. Maybe they have
never divorced. Maybe they should have but didn’t go through with
it, leaving you to cover your 6-year-old ears with the pillow in a
feeble attempt to drown out their midnight ranting. Even if it has
never directly affected you, it has no doubt affected someone you
know. Think it’s no big deal? Think again. Any person who has gone
through a divorce will tell you that it’s a serious trauma.

Inspired by the state of affairs in my own family (and my own
country), I threw around some ideas about why everyone and their
mom seem to be getting divorced. Please remember that these are my
own jaded hypotheses and that even the greatest sociologist in the
world has yet to precisely and undoubtedly pinpoint why divorce is
on the rise.

So why are my parents, after 20-plus years of marriage, getting
divorced? What marital flaw curses this country? And given the
statistics, why on earth are people still getting married?

"They’re in love." Love, schmove. What is love? Everyone seems
in it when they’re young and out of it when they’re old. Love is a
phase, a passing fad, like flannel shirts. Love starts out sweet
and ends sour or just dies somewhere along the way. If it does
continue, it changes, morphs. Love in the beginning is nothing like
love at the end. For some, it’s a good evolution. For many, it
isn’t.

Perhaps love isn’t our problem, but marriage is. Marriage, an
outdated institution, may be unnatural. How can a person be
completely satisfied and enthralled with someone else for 50 years?
I can’t be enthralled with someone else for five minutes. I have
the attention span of a gnat. Are gnats capable of love? They are
probably capable of love and certainly sex but not marriage. Gnats
don’t get married. Should we?

Many people point to the liberation of women to explain the
divorce increase. As women become financially independent, they
have less incentive to cling to an unsatisfactory marriage. But
that doesn’t seem logical. If we are so progressive, shouldn’t
women be more free in their relationships and ask more of their
husbands? As young women gain independence and equality, they
should be less likely to get stuck in the exclusive – and for some,
suffocating – mom/wife role. In our modern age, why aren’t they
demanding the freedom they need within marriage to lead happier,
more productive lives?

Perhaps we have not waited long enough. Maybe the divorce rate
will start to decline when women who are just now getting married
have reached middle age. It is these women who are the most
independent and progressive; they will use their social equality to
select a good mate and great marriage – we hope.

According to a Time/CNN poll, 38 percent of people believe that
the increase in the number of divorces is due to changes in women’s
attitudes toward marriage. This might be true. I know plenty of
female friends who have great boyfriend material but are not fully
happy in the relationship. Welcome to the new era of dissatisfied
women.

How have their attitudes changed? They want to see many men?
They don’t want any men? Perhaps they see more potential in their
life without one permanent man.

I think that was how Ellen’s mom felt in the "Ellen" episode
where her parents got divorced. They were old and had been together
forever.

I distinctly remember thinking, (as did Ellen, my alter ego),
how can they divorce after so many years of marriage? Didn’t they
know if they liked each other by then?

They were bored. They wanted to do new things with new people.
It’s that "variety is the spice of life" phenomenon. It suddenly
made sense.

There is no such thing as true freedom within marriage. You can
never do everything you really want to do because "your life"
(singular) is suddenly "your life" (plural). If you see someone
else? Too bad for you. You already have someone.

How can you ignore the other bajillion people here on earth? It
is only human to get bored after a while, to move through stages of
life where your significant other cannot, for whatever reason, join
you. I personally have a hard time imagining 50 years of my life
with one person, even if he is God’s gift to women. Even when you
have a great partner you may see other prospects out there. You
want your relationship, but you want everybody else! You want it
all.

Maybe marriage should be modernized or just plain obliterated.
How about free love – everyone love everyone else. Bye bye boredom.
It wouldn’t be like times in history when savage men roamed the
earth raping and pillaging and taking advantage of any woman they
pleased. Things would be different now that women have obtained
more social rights. Perhaps the love of the ’00s is free love,
(safe, free love) equally distributed and open to all people.

Until that day, I linger in divorce-ville.

I hope I never have to go through it. Isn’t that what we all
say? We never want to be like our parents; we don’t want to make
the same mistakes they made. We want to do better and be happier
and try harder. Yet as we stoically recite that, as did generations
before us, the divorce rate climbs. One in two people will get
divorced in their lifetime. That’s either you or me. But neither of
us wants to.

Nor did my parents. Flower children of the late ’60s and early
’70s, they must have had love. My dad looked like a member of the
Partridge Family when my mom met him in college so I know she must
have loved the artist in him since it certainly wasn’t his bushy
sideburns that made her tick.

They love no more. How do two people love forever? Are some made
to, destined to, while others learn by trial and error? I doubt
there is only one man on the earth for me. I am sure I could love
many. And I could divorce twice as many.

I probably will according to what studies say. I am likely to
follow in the divorce-steps of my parents and grandparents. (My
mom’s parents got divorced in the early ’60s, when divorce was a
rare move for women to make. In my grandma’s case, again, it was
dissatisfied female syndrome. I am so proud that my forebearers
paved the way for divorcees everywhere. All three of their kids
have been divorced, my aunt four times!) Do I have what it takes to
sign divorce papers?

Yes, according to an article in the Oct. 20 edition of The
Bruin, "Divorce makes women more likely to have loss of income."
The subhead? You guessed it: "Children from broken homes often have
unsuccessful relations." That’s me! "It has been well-established
that if your parents divorce, you yourself are more likely to
divorce … (Children who experience stressful marriages) simply
lack the many interpersonal and emotional skills necessary to
maintain their own marriage … It is also possible that a parent’s
divorce simply lowers the commitment to marriage."

Great. I’d better take notes.