Bruin columnist would like to ask Al a few questions

Monday, October 27, 1997

Bruin columnist would like to ask Al a few questions

CHANCELLOR: Forget USAC, hot issues; find what really makes The
Man tick in his office hours

I don’t know how many of you out there took notice of this, but
last Friday our esteemed Chancellor Albert Carnesale held "office
hours" to "hear and discuss … concerns, criticisms, suggestions
and aspirations" of UCLA students. (By the way, I intentionally
began my column this week with the word "I" because the Daily Bruin
always enlarges the first letter of the columns in Viewpoint, and
I’m just a narcissist. Plus, I thought it looked really cool last
Monday when Michael Daugherty’s column began with an enormous
"I".)

But back to Chancellor Carnesale and his admirable student
outreach efforts. If you’re anything like me (and I pray for your
parents’ sake that you aren’t), you don’t have any "concerns,
criticisms, suggestions (or) aspirations" to discuss with the
chancellor, but you just don’t spend enough time hanging out with
old white men. (Incidentally, I intend no offense to Mr. Carnesale;
I myself will hopefully be an old white man one day. "The Old and
Skinny White Jackass" – now there’s a nickname I’d wear with
pride.)

It is the opinion of this Viewpoint columnist that Bruins
without "concerns, criticisms, suggestions (or) aspirations" have
just as much right to the chancellor’s time as, say, someone
important. That’s why I took the time to compile a list of
questions, concerns, and chancellor/student activities for Bruins
(like yourself) whose only reason to talk to the chancellor is
their desire to tell the guy next to them that they "spent" 10
minutes of Al Carnesale’s time.

(OK, I just have to do this. I’m sure this will come off
sounding like a dare, but if our buddy Al actually took the time to
write in to The Bruin at [email protected] and answer any or
all of these questions, I think he’d be the most popular chancellor
since, well, the last guy that everybody didn’t hate.)

So you want to talk to the chancellor. Everybody’s going to ask
him what he’ll do about campus construction and registration fees
and affirmative action. Personally, I’d like to know what really
makes the boy tick. (Feel free to actually ask him these questions
at a future "office hours" session if he doesn’t write in to The
Bruin, because it probably isn’t protected by U.S. copyright, and
even if it is they probably don’t make any effort to enforce the
copyright on my material.) OK, let’s face it. These are all
questions that I’d ask but never will because I’m too lazy to go to
Murphy Hall or the Tom Bradley International Student Center or
wherever his office is. Nevertheless, I’d ask the chancellor:

Did you used to make jokes about public schools like UCLA when
you were at Harvard?

Don’t you feel like a bastard for coming here and taking over
after you laughed at us Pac-10-ers for all those years?

Can I hear a few of those jokes?

Want to hear any about Harvard?

Please?

Can you name any players on UCLA’s basketball roster?

Can you name any players who should be on UCLA’s basketball
roster but aren’t because they’ve been suspended or are
academically ineligible? (Hint: there are more players on this list
than on the first one.)

Did AT&T give you free phone calls for life in exchange for
that damn BruinCard fiasco? Did they? Come on!

Can you do that touch-your-own-nose-with-your-tongue thing?

Did chicks at Harvard dig that?

Do you find that chicks at UCLA dig it?

Do you know how to hook up your stereo so that you can get
KLA?

Do you even know what KLA is?

Do you care?

Does anyone care?

Did Chancellor Young leave anything interesting or unusual in
his desk or his office?

Can I see it?

Why not?

Have you been "tunnelling" on campus since you’ve been at
UCLA?

Do you want to?

Do you think it’s really true that those tunnels lead directly
to (former) Chancellor Charles Young’s house?

Do you believe the rumors that the URSA lady lives in those
tunnels?

Did you have tunnels like that at Harvard?

I didn’t think so!! The Ivy League can lick it! (Oh, sorry. I
guess technically that wasn’t a question.)

I heard that back in the ’60s they used to take nude photographs
of all their entrants at Harvard. Did they take any nudes of you
when you started there?

Are they on the internet?

www.nudechancellors.com?

Are you thinking of implementing a nude photo policy here at
UCLA?

Did I mention that I’ll be graduating in June and that I’ll be
looking for a job as a photographer?

Did you know that your name means "Albert Meat-sale" in
Spanish?

Would you like to comment on that matter?

Can I call you "Chancellor Meat-sale"?

"Senor Meat-sale"?

Do you want me to leave?

Yes, I suppose I’d have to admit that asking Mr. Carnesale any
of those questions would probably be an easy way to buy a one-way
ticket out of his office, but it’d be fun, right? (Right.) At the
same time, this is as good a time as any to put in one last plea
for a printed reply to my little proposed interview. Whaddya say,
Al? (Or should I say, "Senor Meat-sale"?)

OK, so maybe you’re all better off not going and asking the
chancellor my questions. Maybe it’s a waste of time for me to even
publish them here. Maybe it’s a waste of time for me to even
suggest bringing a six-pack and your UCLA-opoly game to his office.
But come on, isn’t wasting time what college is all about?
(Al?)