Vote for Horey equals vote against The Man

Tuesday, 5/6/97 Vote for Horey equals vote against The Man
Demands of editor force columnist to sacrifice USAC race

Greetings, Viewpoint faithful! First, please allow me to begin
by commending any of you who are actually brave enough to open to
the pages of Viewpoint during the USAC election season (such as it
is). Second, please allow me to wish you all a very happy Seis de
Mayo (since in keeping with the grand tradition, my column is
running the day AFTER a major holiday). Now, as I noted earlier,
anyone courageous enough to read Viewpoint during election time
deserves some sort of medal (or at the very least, a column from me
on a topic other than student government), but I fear that I will
be unable to provide either of those things this week. As some of
you may have noticed, I began my own campaign for the office of
USAC president a few weeks ago (as I believed was my right as a
UCLA undergrad). However, some of you may have also noticed that my
name is conspicuously absent from the list of candidates who will
be participating in today’s presidential debate. Typo? Not really.
Oversight? Hardly. The culmination of a year-long ploy by The Man
and the Daily Bruin to destroy me? Precisely. Granted, I probably
sound like a raving lunatic suggesting that my presidential
campaign has (at least temporarily) been thwarted by a
Fuhrman-esque conspiracy, but let’s examine the facts (as I
perceive them) for a moment, shall we? (Ah, indeed we shall.) I
began my campaign for the office of USAC president some three weeks
ago, in an attempt to fill the void that was left in my soul when I
was denied the chancellor position in March. I based my campaign on
the (seemingly well-grounded) principle that most UCLA students are
fed up with USAC and the (somewhat less altruistic) desire to see
my name on the ballot. I thought (apparently incorrectly) that I
could bring to the election process what I brought to Viewpoint – a
lack of angriness and bitter, hate-filled whining. Unfortunately,
this was not to be. My campaign seemed to be moving along nicely
(heck, the Bruin news department took my picture and two different
reporters even interviewed me) when the Conspiracy Monster began to
rear its ugly head. It is no secret that I have been wronged by a
number of different Daily Bruin departments in the past (like the
photo department, who constantly runs photos that I hate, and the
copy and design departments, who change my column headlines and
randomly omit partial sentences from my columns), but this time the
evil came right from the top. In the interest of fairness, we will
call the conspirator in question "Patrick Kerkstra, Daily Bruin
editor in chief" because that’s how he is identified in official
Daily Bruin correspondence. When Mr. Kerkstra learned of my bid for
the presidency, he did what any good editor in chief would do – he
made Viewpoint Editor Geoff Martin call me and tell me to drop out
of the race. This seemed like less than an ideal plan to me, so I
confronted Mr. Kerkstra in person to inquire of the reasons behind
his request. I was informed by the organism in question that an
ancient Daily Bruin law (which apparently takes precedence over
common sense) states that a Viewpoint columnist may not run for
office. (Strangely enough, our antagonist also took the time to
inform me that Andrew Jon Westall, a Viewpoint columnist from
Winter Quarter, recently ran for graduate office right here at
UCLA.) I then proceeded to calmly explain why the rule should be
bent and I should be allowed to continue my campaign. ("Come on,
that rule sucks! What do you mean, conflict of interest?!? Conflict
of interest, my ass! Come on, let me run.") Mr. Kerkstra agreed to
consider my request and promised to phone me within three days to
inform me of his final decision on the matter. FIVE days later I
received a phone call from none other than Viewpoint Editor Geoff
Martin, who congratulated me on my dismissal from Viewpoint. This
news slightly perturbed me, as I had not requested to be released
by the Bruin and had also not received a call from the humanoid who
had promised to call me two days earlier. (It appears that Mr.
Kerkstra actually lacks a spine, and as a result forces Geoff
Martin to do his dirty work for him.) The verdict, as it was
delivered to me by Geoff (and then later confirmed by you know who)
was that I could choose to be a Viewpoint columnist or to run for
president, but that I could not (should not, and would not) do
both. Their "reasoning" was that if I ran and wrote a column, I
would have an unfair advantage over the other candidates (because
I’m certainly the kind of columnist who wants to waste his column
space writing about USAC elections). As you read this, it is
probably not difficult to determine which path I chose (although
given the wounds so forcefully delivered to my back by The Bruin, I
myself can’t help but wonder why I decided to stay here).
Fortunately, when I officially (and reluctantly) removed myself
from the race last Friday, it was too late to get my name off of
the ballot, which means that when you go to vote Wednesday (or
Thursday) you will see my name there on the ballot along with all
of the other "official" (read: non-Daily Bruin employee)
candidates. However, since I am no longer an official candidate, it
is 100 percent legal for me to use my column space to campaign for
votes. So VOTE FOR ME. VOTE JUSTIN HOREY FOR USAC PRESIDENT. Stick
it to The Man! Say no to conspiracies and domination by the ruling
class of non-Viewpoint columnists! Support a candidate who didn’t
put on a sandwich board and harass you on Bruin Walk! Let Mr.
Kerkstra know that his evil schemes will no longer be tolerated!
Vote for a guy who has no experience and a big nose because he got
a raw deal! Vote Justin Horey for USAC president. You’ll be glad
you did. Horey is a third-year psychology student. Justin Horey