Portrait of a House-Spouse: new tips for a new millennium

Thursday, January 9, 1997

FRANCHISE:

Updating Martha Stewart’s ideas to fit the 21st century

Ann Mah

You know her from her glossy cookbooks, morning appearances on
the Today show, and healthy household tips. She has redefined
American living. She raises her own turkeys for Thanksgiving dinner
and sells her own paint line at Home Depot. She is Martha Stewart,
and I am her legacy.

The term legacy implies a certain sense of regeneration ­ a
rebirth if you will. I have already begun to re-envision the
multimedia empire of America’s self-proclaimed doyenne of food,
fashion and fun. But though Ms. Stewart has successfully defined
America’s ideal of gracious living, her concepts have already
become archaic. As a result, I intend to tailor Ms. Stewart’s ideas
until they fit the vigorous form of the 21st century.

Perhaps it seems a bit absurd; after all I am scarcely in my
20s, have not yet graduated from college, and, most importantly,
have no husband, children or house. But already, we have so much in
common. We are both products of the American dream and children of
immigrant parents. Our racial backgrounds both lie in countries
that have been dramatically influenced by communism (Martha:
Poland, Me: China). We both have homemaking ideas which celebrate
our respective cultural heritages. Of course, I can’t be exactly
like her. While some may consider her as American as apple pie, I
can’t quite condone such a high-fat, high-sugar ideal. No, I am
here to celebrate the America of the 21st century, the new
millennium, the low cholesterol, great tasting, attractively
packaged, chic alternative.

Please understand, this is not a Martha Stewart slam. In fact, I
admire her recipes, ideas and multimedia empire. I think Ms.
Stewart has done a wonderful job of redefining gracious American
living; from California to Iowa to Massachusetts, her ideas radiate
through the walls which bear her paint. No, I do not want to take
over her position, I want to inherit it.

As Ms. Stewart embraces her genetic homeland, Poland, my files
bulge with creative home-making ideas celebrating China. Try Peking
duck for Christmas dinner. Or build a gingerbread Pagoda. Organic
orchard taken over by snails? Try a severely elegant rock garden,
no plants necessary! Bacardi Rum not providing the necessary kick
in the Yuletide Nog? Experiment with ginseng and other Chinese
herbs.

If you’re fed up with the commercialism and religious
exclusivity of Christmas, start celebrating the Chinese New Year.
Red is still this season’s festive color, but instead of gifts, you
get money. That’s right, cash, bucks, coconuts, bacon. It comes
stuffed in quaint red envelopes. As an added bonus, you can stop
perpetuating that myth of the fat, bearded, red-suited, European,
old, culturally restrictive, Christian guy. The only fat, old,
bearded, red guy in China is Confucius, and he’s a philosopher.

As a West Coaster, I cannot see the attraction of Cape Cod. Why
spend millions of dollars to go to … the beach? We’ve already got
one of those, and our water’s warm. And, while slugging Martinis
with the Kennedys, berry-picking among the brambles and shivering
in the frigid Atlantic may appeal to Ms. Stewart, I would like to
suggest a trip to the East ­ the Far East. Like Cape Cod,
China has snakes (you eat them!), and bicycle rides (traffic jams
on two wheels!). And there’s also the added bonus of political
upheaval. Skip the post-college trip to Europe, the delightful
danger of this summer’s communist hand-over of Hong Kong will
overshadow any old-world charm. Or throw caution to the wind and
take the kids for a vacation you’ll never forget.

Throw away the neutral toned sofa, the bland backyard turkey,
the staid New England saltbox farmhouse. Ms. Stewart’s understated
blonde elegance and tray of canapés with white wine is old
hat, de passé; it’s boring. In contrast, cultural vibrance is
loud, it’s exciting, it’s part of our movement into an age where
everything is swifter, sleeker and smoother. Rumor has it that
Michael Jordan can score 10 points in the time it takes Ms. Stewart
to ice one cookie. In a world of rapid communication and speedy
technology, such icing techniques are not a method of harking back
to golden days, but instead, a denial of the fast-paced lifestyles
of today’s families. I don’t encourage such frivolous icing
procedures.

Though Ms. Stewart has redefined America’s ideal of
entertaining, her ideas have become antiquated. In recognition of
the working mother, the single father, the CEO grandmother who
doesn’t know how to bake pies, I encourage America to rethink the
interpretation of gracious living. Perhaps as a result, we will no
longer inquire "Is Martha Stewart Living?" and instead concern
ourselves with the breakdown of Communist China or the plight of
the mid-Western soybean. Pass the rice.