Graduation ’96: Alumni Association fund raising, or just a day to snooze

Sunday, June 9, 1996

Beer King leaves college behind for career down under

Well, the big day approaches: June 16, my long-awaited and
sometimes uncertain graduation day. The day my parents have been
looking forward to for 24 long years. The day they cast off their
Brian shackles and send me into adulthood. Of course, if the degree
of adulthood you’ve attained corresponds with the amount of debt
you’ve acquired, then I’m Old Man Winter.

I haven’t been able to figure out who the big day is actually
for yet. Is it for the graduates themselves, to get their
recognition and feel their sense of accomplishment? I’m not sure
about that, because it’s hard to feel any recognition on the floor
of Pauley Pavilion with 4,000 other students. It’s easy for
Charles, Toby, J.R., Cameron and Jelani to get recognition there,
because there are only five of them. But as for the graduates,
what’s up? You practically have to streak to get noticed. I’m
considering tossing around a blow-up doll (instead of a beach ball)
to get attention. The only problem is the expense. Does anyone have
a used one I can buy?

Is the big day for the parents? I guess that’s a possibility.
But I can’t help but wonder if you might overhear a husband whisper
to his wife "You know, Margie (in Fargo accent), if only we had
used better birth control, we could have traveled around the world
seven times with the money we spent on junior." "Ya, we did have to
pay a lot of bills to that bookstore, Maloney’s on Campus."

Is the day for everyone else in the audience who is not a parent
of the graduate, who would much rather be sleeping than listening
to Dr. So-and-so drone on about this, that and the other thing? I
doubt it. I mean, who am I kidding when I say they would much
rather be sleeping ­ they are sleeping. Not only that, but
grandpa is beginning to drool on himself.

Is it for all the teachers and faculty who participate and speak
in the ceremony? Hell no. They’re not stupid. They decided to teach
because they get summers off. Their mind is already on the plane to
the Bahamas, eating airline peanuts and watching the movie. And I
guarantee that their mind has already had several airline
cocktails.

Is the day for the Alumni Association? BINGO. They have the most
reason to party out of anyone at all. They have just graduated
several thousand more students who will become card-carrying,
MEMBERSHIP-FEE-PAYING members of the Alumni Association.

I suppose I shouldn’t be too cynical about the association,
however. They did give me a free grad pack, and although it is a
last ditch effort by UCLA to extract money (word "extract" used to
liken it to the dentist) from me, they did provide me with some
very helpful tips for resume building. So I figured what the hell.
I have one more column to write. I have to write out my resume for
entering the "real" world. Why not kill two birds with one stone?
As we all know, time is money, especially as we enter the corporate
world. The quicker I finish my column/resume, the quicker I can
return to my important activities, like napping, for instance.

1. Special skills or training possessed by applicant: Unique
ability to take a line from any movie and turn it into a cute
little jingle for any job. What’s that, you say? A police detective
and Forest Gump, that’s a good one. Let me see … My mama always
said "Life is like a box of chalk ­ let’s see how many bodies
we can outline." If that doesn’t sell the body tracing industry to
the public, nothing will. It’s a perfect PR slogan.

2. Career Objectives: My objectives are extensive and they
include a two-prong plan of action. First, I would like nothing
more than to serve you Mr. (insert interviewer’s name here). I look
forward to each and every day that I can wake to see your shining
face, because it just means another day of basking in your glory
and greatness. Your whim will be my command. (Did I lay it on thick
enough? Maybe not). Also sir, did I mention that you have a lovely
suit; I love the way it matches your rug, uhh forgive me, I mean
hair. The second prong of my career goals involves driving a beer
truck.

3. Education and collegiate activities: Extensive training in
when to turn on another light during reading at Grandmother
University. According to my professor, anytime is a good time for
more light. Also, extensive health training at Grandma U. which
consists of the simple fact that if you don’t wear socks (or
stockings as she calls them) in the morning, you will catch a cold
that will evolve into the flu, into pneumonia, and eventually into
death.

Research project undertaken at the University of California, Los
Angeles. Project consisted of where to find alcohol on campus.
Little luck (found three locations, but they’re hidden). My
graduating GPA was very impressive, but try not to look at it in
the standard way, because I am not a standard guy. I mean, if you
look at it backwards, I got a 4.1.

4. Employment History: Used to have job as the inventor of
algebra, and then I went on to become the Father of Modern
Psychoanalysis, but I don’t like to brag about those things. Also
included in my list of jobs was a flier-hander-outer and a gardener
in a rock garden. I’ve had more jobs than anyone I know, so I can’t
list them all, but I can assure you that I’ve had two to three
weeks of extensive training in almost any field you can
imagine.

Well that’s it. I’m headed into the big day, and then off into
the world. Thank you Viewpoint, thank you Bruin, thank you Rieber
Hall, thank you UCLA and thank you Budweiser for all that you have
given me.

I’m armed with this new resume, and I know I’ll do fine.
Fortunately, I’m leaving for Australia to find work after
graduation, and they may miss all the bad jokes in my resume, you
know, speaking Australian and all. Good luck to everyone, we’ll
need it.

Birkenstein is a UCLA alumni, class of 1996. He would have
dragged out his college career another year, but if one more person
asked him "Haven’t you finished yet?" he was going to go
insane.