Challenges of finding life’s ambrosia, following inner voice

Challenges of finding life’s ambrosia, following inner voice

Adena Chung

When I go to magazine stands, I steal for a little while. At
least that’s what a friend of mine said the other day. He said,
"You know, if you stand there and read the magazine and not buy it,
that’s stealing. That’s what my parents used to say to me." So I
guess that one was passed down.

He’s got somewhat of a point but I told him I didn’t care and
continued to read. I go to magazine stands and check out who’s
gracing the covers. Then I read the astrological reports. I’m a
Virgo, not on the cusp or anything, and that’s just my sun sign.
I’ve forgotten what my other four signs are, but you’re supposed to
know them to get a more full picture of your life and what you are
all about.

I had read all the Virgo reports for February at the end of
January and there was only one thing that really stuck in my mind.
I was told I shouldn’t make any drastic decisions in my life, that
I’d be tempted to, but I shouldn’t use the wisdom I’ve acquired
over the years; that I’ve done that dance before and since I know
what it’s all about, I shouldn’t make the same mistakes and get
tripped up by the same folly again.

The problem with advice like that is it’s hard to tell what’s
going on when you’re in the middle of it all. It’s hard to get a
perspective on a situation in which you’re a player.

But I’m not a religious follower of astrology, or of anything,
for that matter. It just gives me something to think about from
time to time.

I thought about it when I was in some major doldrums in the
middle of January. I was in one of those moods in which I was
thinking I should scrap everything I’ve built up so far and start
over because things really aren’t working the way I want them to.
Maybe I should throw in the towel. My ex-boyfriend and current best
friend used to always accuse me of being the towel-thrower whenever
things in our relationship weren’t A-OK.

I was in one of those moods where I just wanted to run away from
everything I’ve known and everyone that knows me, run away to Twin
Peaks and work in that diner where Dale Cooper used to always get
his daily cup of joe and occasional pie.

I was feeling like this because nothing was going right and I
was feeling like a freak. I was looking all around me and thinking
gosh, I’m really not doing things the way I should be. I’m really
kind of awkward here with my way of going about life, my way of
thinking.

But there’s always that inner voice that tells you what you
really want to do. What you really should do. It’s the voice that
tells you not to call that guy again, that tells you that this
should be your last drink, that you should keep on moving, don’t
look back and don’t dwell.

I feel like a fish swimming upstream sometimes, but I just do
what I think I should do. Pat me on the back and if you don’t I’ll
pat myself. No really, I’m not looking for a medal or anything, I’m
just thinking how there have been times where no one else has
really been on the same wavelength as me, but I’ve just ridden it
out and the payoffs have come around in the end.

So somehow I got through the January lull. I didn’t run away, I
didn’t cut my hair, another one of those impulsive things I feel
like doing when things are all weird, and I didn’t go shopping. I
did buy a bunch of CDs but that’s normal for me. Everything’s OK
now. I feel like Stuart Smalley on "SNL". And people like me.

Not to be strange or take this "SNL" skit thing too far, but my
dad did say to me that research has shown that one of the biggest
stresses on a person can come from lack of love and attention. It
can be very hard on a person. And I can totally see that.

I walked into work the other day and someone yelled out, "Oh my
god, it’s March already!" It’s March already. And then it’ll be
April and May and September, my birthday, and then before I can do
all the things I had slated for the summer, it’ll be December
already. Life sucks when you get older.

A good friend of mine said there were three things you need in
life and they directly stimulate the pleasure center of the brain.
Morphine is one, but we can’t have that. The other two are sex and
eating. There’s actually a fourth which is like, hanging out with
your friends and stuff, but that’s kind of intangible.

Since you really can’t get sex anytime you want, I guess it’s
narrowed down to just eating. But I don’t know if I buy into this
gig because there’s just got to be more than that for me to be
happy. I gotta have the ambrosia. The stuff that’s not substance,
in the way of matter. The stuff that floats in the spaces in
between.

And I think what gets you there is different for everyone.
Whatever it is, the common thread seems to be that it’s got to make
you feel good about yourself, about life. I was talking to a
corporate executive type last weekend, actually not really so
corporate at heart, and he told me why he finds his job fulfilling.
He started out in life graduating with a master’s in special
education, which he said was greatly fulfilling. But now, working
with a record label, he said art is fulfilling in a different way.
Some people use art as an escape and other people find that they
can find solace in art and say, "Hey, I’m not the only one who
feels like that."

So read, listen, write, sing, run, eat, love. Find the ambrosia
in this life because it’s the only one you’ll know and it goes by
really fast if you don’t pay attention. (It’s March already.) And
do what you think is right, all the time, even if you feel like no
one’s with you, because all the right you do will one day come back
to you. The same goes for when you do wrong. Just remember
that.

Chung is a senior English student. Her column runs on alternate
Mondays.