Exploring the art of sexual conversation

Exploring the art of sexual conversation

By Darlene Mininni

They had waited what seemed like forever to be alone
together.

Both Gary and Cathy had roommates who never left their rooms,
but finally Cathy’s roommate went home for the long weekend.

Both were excited and a little anxious about the night ahead of
them. Gary brought Cathy a bouquet of daisies and kissed her
sweetly at the door. He borrowed his friend’s car so they could go
down to Santa Monica for dinner and then go for a walk on the
beach. The night was perfect.

After they got back to Cathy’s room, they sat on the bed and
started to kiss. But during this wonderful kiss, both were thinking
about other things.

Gary was wondering how far he should go. Did Cathy expect him to
make love with her? If he didn’t try, would she be insulted? But if
he did try, would she be offended?

The kiss continued. Cathy’s mind was elsewhere. Did Gary expect
her to have sex with him? If she did, would she feel good about it?
If she didn’t, would he think she was leading him on? Neither knew
what to say.

The kiss continued, but the moment was feeling increasingly
awkward for them both. Finally Cathy told Gary that it was getting
late, and she had to get up early tomorrow for work. Confused, Gary
left, unsure of what had just happened. Disappointed, Cathy crawled
into bed.

What did happen? It seems that both were afraid to engage in
"sexual conversation," which entails talking honestly about your
sexual feelings and desires with an intimate partner. What do you
want to happen sexually? What don’t you want to happen sexually?
The truth is, many people find this incredibly difficult to do.

Although we live in a world that bombards us with sexual images,
most people grew up with the family message that talking about sex
is not acceptable, and now as adults, they find such conversations
strained and embarrassing.

"I feel I can talk about almost anything," says Stacey, 19, a
world arts and culture student, "but I have trouble talking about
sex. I just can’t get the words out. I learned from my family that
sex is very private, so it’s hard to talk about what I want and
don’t want sexually in a relationship."

David, 20, an economics student, adds, "I feel intimidated and
embarrassed talking about sex. In my upbringing it was a hush, hush
kind of thing. In the Asian culture, talking about sex is low on
the priority list."

Being raised to believe that sex shouldn’t be discussed is one
reason sexual conversation can be such a challenge. But another
reason that seems even larger is the fear of rejection. It’s the
worry that the other person may judge you for feeling what you feel
and after judging you, decide he or she doesn’t want to be with
you.

It’s the fear that the other person will think you’re too
inexperienced, or too experienced, or too silly. It’s the fear of
putting your real self out there and wondering if you’ll get hurt.
It’s the fear of being vulnerable.

"Talking about sex is hard because of the rejection thing," says
Michael, 22, a music student. "I’m afraid if I talk about what I
want out of sex and a relationship, he’ll say, ‘That’s it! I’m
outta here!’ That’s never happened to me, but that’s my fear."

Sometimes, the fear of being judged and rejected can lead people
into sexual situations they don’t want to be in.

Denzel, 23, a psychology biology student, says, "There was one
time when I was with a woman and I didn’t want to do anything
sexually, but I didn’t say so. Before I knew it, we were having
sex. It wasn’t that I was tongue-tied. I just held back from
talking. She seemed to know more about sex than I did, and I didn’t
want to seem stupid or immature."

In many cases, underneath the fear of rejection is the belief
that the other person’s desires or opinions about sex are more
important than your own. Although there may be two of you in bed,
only one of you really counts, and that one isn’t you. When this
happens, there is a natural tendency not to speak up for what you
do and don’t want.

There are, however, some people who do speak their minds about
sex with their partners, regardless of potential judgments.

"I like the Howard Stern method of sexual communication, where
it’s just all out there and there are no surprises," says Jay, 20,
an engineering and English student. "I’m not rude, but I like
people to know exactly what I’m about, and I like to know exactly
what they’re about."

Aeisha, 22, a political science student, concurs. "I always talk
about what I want physically in a relationship, even if it sounds
silly or wild. The fact that my boyfriend is so receptive to me
makes it easier for me to talk about these things, but I’d talk
about them even if he wasn’t."

So how do you talk about sex? The best way to start a sexual
conversation is by using "I" statements. "I" statements are a way
of forming your ideas to reflect your feelings and needs. Some
examples of "I" statements include:

* "I really like kissing you, but I’m not ready to do more than
that. Is that OK with you?"

* "I’d like us to spend the night together. How do you feel
about that?"

* "I’m feeling kind of confused, and I’d like to slow things
down a little."

* "I’d love to make love with you."

Although some are concerned that people who use "I" statements
may come off sounding selfish or self-absorbed, the opposite is
actually true. Since "I" statements allow individuals to take
responsibility for their own feelings and not lay blame on their
partner, they are perceived as less threatening or judging.

Conversely, "you" statements such as "You are being too pushy,"
or "You’re acting immature," are likely to put the other person on
the defensive and less likely to open the channels of
communication.

Mastering the art of the sexual conversation doesn’t always make
talking about sex an easy matter, but it can’t hurt. Too bad Gary
and Cathy didn’t know.

Darlene Mininni, MPH, is the coordinator of the Sexual Health
Education Program in the UCLA Student Health Service.