Players of little hops take heart: Dunkball!

Players of little hops take heart: Dunkball!

Lurking well below the height of a regulation basketball hoop is
the pinnacle of the average man’s jump.

No, it’s not a white man, it’s not a black man. It’s just the
average guy, who, despite a running start, lightweight shoes and a
healthy breakfast, reaches the apex of his flight at or around the
first link of the net.

Try as he might, there is something impenetrable about the
10-foot barrier. Sure, you see guys like Charles O’Bannon scale the
height like it was a Janss step and it looks easy. You’re a
6-footer. In fair shape. Extended arms reach you up to just under 8
feet. Then what happens? You go for the jump and you buckle. The
foam is a vain attempt away.

Try it with a ball? C’mon now. You couldn’t dunk a golf ball
with a trampoline under the net. The only time you’ve touched the
rim is standing on your buddy’s shoulders to change the net.

Frustrated by an inability to emulate your favorite air-walker?
Jumping rope and eating right to increase that vertical leap?
Unhappy to be relegated to the perimeter with the other calfless
wonders? Shopping for just the right shoes to compensate? Stop the
insanity.

I’m about to let you in on a secret millions of inadequate men
like me already know: The key isn’t in getting your game closer to
the rim ­ the trick is to bring the rim closer to your
game.

The answer, my friends, is dunk hoops. Dunk hoops, you ask? Dunk
hoops.

It was an idea born at a Big 5 many years ago, simple enough.
There sat the display, backboard and rim. Probably a huffy. About 7
and a half feet high. There were the basketballs right next to it.
The first of the ground-dwellers picked up a ball and dunked it.
And a light bulb went on.

Boom. Just like that. This sport wasn’t for giants with talent
in the air. OK, maybe it was. But now it could be more inclusive.
Ever tripped trying to jump over a phone cord? Lowered rims were
your new best friend.

Wisely, its inventors let the craze spread slowly. As lower rims
were being installed on elementary schools across the country, they
made it seem like it was for the kids.

"Kids get frustrated, see, being so small and having to shoot
way up to that high ol’ 10-foot rim. I mean, I think some of these
kids are getting turned off by the sport because it’s just too
hard."

They never let on that the after-school, high school has-beens
were there ready to hop the fence of the local kiddie school to
take advantage of those lowered rims. Or that adults were waiting
to callous their hands dunking on their days off.

Now the rims are a fixture on nearly every campus. And those
with athletic ability and jumping ineptitude have found a home. No
longer are they relegated to imitating Steve Kerr and Steve Alford
and Doc Rivers. They can be John Starks or Michael Jordan or ­
egad ­ Lorenzo Orr.

But with the rims came etiquette. Henceforth, dunk ball rules to
remember as you live out dreams you needed compensation to
achieve.

* Goal tending is legal on balls shot in the key.

* Dunks are worth two points, jumpers worth one.

* Dunks are allowed at any break in action.

* Hop the shortest fence into the locked schoolyard, forget that
you hopped it if questioned by police.

* Never break down the rims.

* Bring your own net.

* Begin or end with a slam dunk contest.

* The best player on the court is the one who dunks the
most.

Remember, though, many of these rims are found in locked
schoolyards, which explains the caveat for police presence. Most
officers will just chase you away ­ threats to write you a
ticket are mostly idle, but you’ll probably have to leave.

That’s why it’s important to find your dunk-hoop pleasure at a
fenceless arena, preferably shielded from outside view. There’s no
sense in endangering future generations of the vertically jump
challenged with a foolish and selfish act.

And until we meet on the courts of the meager to perform like
giants, enjoy your time in the air, however low it might be.

Suggestions for dunk hoop courts can be submitted to the Daily
Bruin by calling (310) 825-9851 with your favorite court. A
complete list will be published next week.