Katherine Hafner: Turning nerves into a necessity

I have answered the all-too-familiar “What do you want to do with your life?” questions that pervade family gatherings in the same way for more than a decade now.

“I want to be a journalist.”

But before college, I didn’t really know what that meant.

I was the editor in chief of my monthly high school paper, but the stakes were low and the deadlines none too pressing.

So when I got to UCLA, I knew the next step was to join the college newspaper and continue on to my illustrious career as a journalist.

But when the deadline came to apply for the Daily Bruin, I pulled up the application and found myself a bit daunted, scared to step into such a big pool.

What if I failed? Or worse, what if I discovered I didn’t actually like journalism? Not just writing and keeping up on current events, but combining the two to actively be the one to inform, to ask the tough questions and to understand the answers. Could I handle the stress?

I didn’t apply right away, partly because I’d just gotten to school and was figuring it all out, but partly because of these lingering questions.

The next quarter, I decided to commit, filling out the way-too-long News application we’ve since downsized. When I got a call for an interview, I was nervous, but I went in and did my best.

I got in, and the rest is a blur. I was only on the paper for two quarters before I was asked to step into an assistant News editor position, filling and editing daily news content, which was an even bigger responsibility than I realized at the time. During my time, I was also the enterprise editor, overseeing investigative and longer-term content, but this is besides the point.

Amid the myriad other skills the paper helped me gain, including presenting myself professionally, researching, writing and working under deadline, one of the most important things The Bruin did for me was make me step out of my comfort zone.

UCLA as a whole does this for most students, but I view my personal growth largely through the lens of the newspaper, because it’s impossible for me to reflect on my college experience in any other way.

When I was a first-year student and intern at The Bruin, one of my early assignments was to attend an exhibition at the Fowler Museum to commemorate the one-year anniversary of the Japan earthquake. I remember my hand shaking slightly as I held my notebook and pen, standing and looking around, knowing I had to go up and talk to random attendees. Once I sat down with some people, including one international student who had been in Japan when the disaster hit and who turned out to be an invaluable source, it got easier. They were just people.

I’ve since gotten used to walking up to and asking questions to random people and building relationships with continual sources, for that matter.

I’ve reported on the 2012 presidential election, shaken hands with Kofi Annan, interviewed the University of California president, filed stories from UC Board of Regents meetings in the state capital and San Francisco and sauntered the streets of Westwood with a then-campaigning, Diddy Riese-laden Eric Garcetti.

I’ve doggedly pursued public records requests and parsed thousands of pages of documents to investigate misdoings on the part of companies and university officials, and asked said people directly about them.

But I still get nervous every time I pick up the phone or sit down to talk to an important source.

However, whereas my initial shakiness at the Fowler was a symptom of entering the field, I now view having a little bit of nerves as a benefit. (And somewhat of a necessity since coffee is involved.)

Though I’m somewhat cynical and even known around the office for my sass, the fact that I’m apprehensive about getting my facts right, about not misrepresenting sources or situations, whatever it may be, is proof to me that I’m not done with journalism – that I will constantly work toward getting it right – and that I still care.

As I prepare to take on the real world of reporting, I find myself at the same crossroads as when I got to UCLA.

What if I fail? What if I don’t enjoy it?

I’m vastly better equipped to achieve my goals after working at the unbelievable, award-winning training ground of the Daily Bruin.

Despite this, I am nervous. But that’s okay. Better, even.

Hafner was a senior staff writer from 2014-2015, enterprise editor from 2013-2014, assistant News editor from 2012-2013 and a News contributor in early 2012.