Top players fear onset of debated Prop. 401k

Wednesday, June 3, 1998

Top players fear onset

of debated Prop. 401k

COLUMN: Ballot should include hot button issues like b-ball
dance leaders

Yesterday was election day, and like all good citizens, I went
to do my duty at the local polling place.

And, like most people, the vast array of propositions, measures,
referendums and candidates only served to confuse me. For example,
did you know that Proposition 227 was not, in fact, an attempt to
get Marla Gibbs back on TV?

To prevent this in the future, we at the Daily Bruin have taken
it upon ourselves to educate the public about all upcoming
initiatives. Being a sports guy, it falls to me to handle all
athletic-related electoral issues.

Here then, are the sporting decisions you might have to face as
voters this fall.

Measure P – the elimination of surprise drug testing.

It isn’t fair, proponents assert, for athletic governing bodies
to subject athletes to unannounced tests for banned substances.
After all, even with modern cheating techniques, it may take weeks
to fully cleanse the bloodstream of performance enhancing drugs or
illegal narcotics. Proper warning would allow athletes time to
tamper with samples or to inject clean samples of their own or
others’ urine into their bodies to be peed out in front of testing
personal. (Note: people actually do this injecting thing.)

Proponents: the Canadian snowboarding team, Irish swimmer
Michelle Smith, Ben Johnson and a couple of former UCLA basketball
players.

Measure D-Cup – the elimination of male cheerleaders.

In all honesty, proponents claim, cheerleaders are about nothing
more than adding a little sex into sports.

An eye-popping amount of visible cleavage, butt-wiggling dance
routines, cat suits – they enhance team spirit alright, but not by
shaking blue and gold pom-poms. Any doubt about their real purpose
should be dispelled by the fact that they don’t even lead cheers
anymore – almost exclusively, male yell leaders do.

Bottom line, cheerleaders are out there to give the average
sports fan something to ogle during breaks in the action. Guys
simply don’t achieve this goal.

Proponents: sex-starved prepubescent and middle-aged males,
unemployed curvy blondes and lonely Bruin sports columnists.

Opponents: 20-something males whose chief talents are heavy
lifting, clapping and yelling "Let’s go!"

Proposition 401K – that professional athletes who speak
publically about retirement more than twice in a season be forced
to do it.

How many seasons running is it now that Charles Barkley has said
it might be his final year? Five? Six? And how long did John Elway
wait after the Super Bowl ended to start the speculation about his
hanging it up, only to announce three months later that he is in
fact coming back?

But the champion of the retiring racket has to be Michael
Jordan, someone who has actually retired once, only to return. We
don’t need hourly updates on the state of the man’s uncertainty –
and, frankly, the "Last round-up," "Last stand," and "Final running
of the Bulls" headlines are beginning to annoy me. We saw them all
last season, and in all likelihood we’ll see them all next season.
MJ, baby, you are perhaps the greatest player ever and we love you,
but either make up your damn mind or shut up about it already.

Proponents: Citizens Tired of Hearing About It.

Opponents: Attention Starved Athletes for Even More
Headlines.

Proposition 1-2-123 – the allowance of the two dancing fools at
UCLA men’s basketball games.

So the Vanilla Ice-looking guy in the green suit and the Asian
Michael Jackson can’t keep a beat, does it really hurt anyone to
let them boogie during timeouts? Of course not, proponents argue.
And yet, the attempt by these two to surrender to the rhythm of the
night has only landed them in trouble with campus police, who have
put the kibosh on their unscheduled Soul Train.

Proposition 1-2-123 would not only legalize their grovin’, but
would call for the immediate expulsion from the arena of anyone
failing to get down with them. ("Coach Wooden, I’m afraid we’re
going to have to ask you to leave if you don’t shake that
ass.")

Proponents: the student section that loves laughing at these
guys.

Opponents: UCPD and every dance teacher in the history of the
world.

Proposition 1/8 – the inclusion of marijuana alongside Gatorade
as complimentary game time refreshment for NBA players.

An inequality exists in the sporting world, proponents of
Proposition 1/8 claim, an inequality which needs to be addressed:
Major League Baseball players have an inexhaustible free supply of
their drug of choice, chewing tobacco, while pro basketballers must
comb the streets of several cities for theirs.

As a result, the proponents assert, NBA players are frequently
late for team flights, miss practices and come in contact with law
enforcement personal. A courtside supply would rectify this, they
say.

Proponents: Isaiah Rider, Robert Parish and Chris Webber.

Opponents: drug dealers who cater to professional athletes, and
who fear a free supply on the bench would cut into their
profits.

Proposition 7 – all professional athletes with more than seven
illegitimate children will be awarded only one point per basket,
three per touchdown, or 1/2 per run or goal.

Proponents of Proposition 7: the so-called "Who’s Your Daddy?"
Initiative, claiming the only way to stop the onslaught of
illegitimate fatherhood in certain sports is to hit athletes where
it hurts: in the box score.

Their argument hinges on the belief that the drop in an
athlete’s stats brought about by such a move would be followed by
an equal drop in their available pootie. A guy scoring 19 points
per game may be a hot lay, the argument goes, but who wants to
sleep with a guy averaging 9.5?

Proponents: the Professional Jockeys’ Association and the
international governing bodies for luge and curling.

Opponent: Shawn Kemp, president of Citizens for Gettin’ Some
When You Can.

And finally, the runoff election for Baseball Commissioner:

Pete Rose (Democrat) – What baseball needs, many claim, is a man
who’s unafraid to take chances, to gamble on what he believes in.
Rose fits that bill.

Barkley (Republican)- The Round Mound of Rebound promises to be
a pitbull on labor issues, and who wouldn’t love to see Donald Fehr
fly through a plate glass window if the players strike again?

Anna Kournikova (Who cares?) – She’s hot, that’s all that
matters. Who would you rather watch during a long, boring World
Series game, Kournikova or Bud Selig?

It’s up to you, so get out there and vote.

Kariakin, a senior studying political science, is a disgrace to
his major. E-mail responses to [email protected].