Trying to fit the pieces together

Monday, May 20, 1996

Homosexuality provokes thoughts about what is OK

I’m scared to write this column, worried about its implications,
my reputation, and all that. I’m ashamed of the fact that there are
seeds of homophobia growing inside of me. But I know that keeping
the seeds silent will breed my own ignorance. So, I’m writing this
column to explore my feelings and to foster a productive discussion
on homosexuality, and to hopefully come to the resolution I am
hoping for. With that preface, please bear with me.

I wasn’t truly conscience of sexuality until I was 14. I got a
job as an AIDS Peer Educator. Part of my training included learning
about "alternative lifestyles," everything from same-sex adoptions
to the definition of rimming (an oral/anal sexual act not limited
to homosexuals). As I sat in the detailed training sessions, I
remember being repulsed by the sexuality of homosexuality. One of
the more graphic things that I remember learning is how some
peoples’ anuses can loose muscle control from anal intercourse.
Although I also learned that all gay men do not necessarily have
anal sex, the images of men together, or even women for that
matter, sent uncomfortable chills up my spine.

On the other hand, outside of my training, I learned about the
intimacy of homosexuality. Since half of the staff was gay, I
naturally became friends with many of them. My executive director
and her lover adopted a cute little baby girl that they brought to
staff picnics. The water cooler gossip included as much gay talk as
straight talk. These friendships started my process of
understanding that homosexual people are normal.

A crush on a coworker is what made me think that homosexual
people were cool. I fell in love with the most unavailable black
man in the world. I can get excited just thinking about him. He was
26, HIV positive and married to a man. But none of that changed my
14-year-old mentally: He was fine, kind and I wanted him to be
mine. Of course, I never acted on my infatuation. But I did try to
talk him out of being gay. I mean, such a good brother going to
waste. He didn’t help my ignorance any when he admitted that he
thinks his environmental conditions (another column) contributed to
his decision to practice homosexuality.

One day when he and I were talking about our respective men, I
realized that changing him would be as impossible as changing me.
He and his husband were having problems and he was all torn up. He
began getting teary eyed and asked me for my advice.

Now, I don’t want to consider myself a "fag-hag" (women who like
to have gay male friends because they’re so "sweet") but I was
overwhelmed by this man’s sincerity. He spoke my language and I
could relate to his experiences despite the fact that he was gay.
On top of all that, he was still handsome, strong-minded,
masculine, intelligent ­ like I said, I can get excited just
thinking about him. The point is that he taught me that same-sex
love was just as real as heterosexual love.

So I became this open-minded teen who thought she totally
understood sexuality. I even became insecure of my own sexuality
because I began to think, "God, the lesbians I know seem to have
such peaceful relationships ­ I wonder if I’m one and don’t
know it." My friend assured me that if I was, I would have known by
then.

When I came to UCLA and got exposed to gay and lesbian
literature and people, I was more accepting than most of my peers.
I don’t know where it happened, but somewhere along the way, I
became less understanding. Around the time that I stopped believing
casual sex was cool and that I would automatically get an abortion
if I got pregnant, I also began to question the morality of
homosexuality.

I mean, there are some basic facts that just don’t fit. The
bodies of men and women fit together. Specifically, the genital
area is made like a puzzle that only has one real matching piece.
If God (the universe, nature, whatever) intended same-sex love, why
didn’t s/he grant them the ability to create children, one of the
greatest expressions of love? Although I understand that not every
heterosexual relationship produces children (both by choice and
biologically), homosexuals never even have the option.

And second, if God intended same-sex sex, why isn’t the anus
made to lubricate the same way the vagina does, and for that
matter, why does having sex with someone of your own sex mean that
you always have to give up something (penis or vagina)? Of course,
I guess you could look at this as gaining something.

By the laws of strict biology, I just can’t make sense of it.
Now, I understand that the laws of human nature foster love and
that love can happen in any setting. I also understand that not all
human beliefs make sense. For example, I believe in God although I
have no tangible proof other than humans telling me s/he exists and
me believing it.

I know I’m contradicting myself. This is my dilemma. I know more
than a few gay/les/bi men and women who have more solid
relationships than my own, but I still can’t help but wonder if
it’s truly right. One thing I am sure about is that it’s really not
my business. I don’t believe that because I don’t understand it, it
doesn’t deserve my respect. I also don’t think I or the government
have any right to regulate people’s love any more than a woman’s
body. But, I would feel a lot better if I truly believed it was OK.
So, if any of you guys can help me answer my unanswerable
questions, please help me.

Robinson is a fourth-year Afro-American studies student. Her
column appears on alternate Tuesdays.

Around the time that I stopped believing casual sex was cool and
that I would automatically get an abortion if I got pregnant, I
also began to question the morality of homosexuality.