Marriage: match made in heaven?

Marriage: match made in heaven?

True love requires a spiritual connection, but relationships
with two religions demand extra faith

Last quarter I was sitting and procrastinating, as usual,
talking to some friends in my sorority, when we began to discuss
the holidays, our boyfriends, gift-giving and family traditions. We
ended up talking for a couple of hours about something so personal,
so controversial and so important to each of us, that I cannot
forget it.

One woman in the room was Jewish, and two, including myself,
were Christian. Our topic of discussion was how important it was to
each of us that our future partner be the same religion as
ourselves.

For the most diverse school in the nation, where religious
tolerance is, if not great, at least better than in other parts of
the country, the answer was quite surprising to me. Overwhelmingly,
all of us admitted that we had always believed that religious
values are an important factor to consider in choosing with whom to
have a romantic relationship.

The major reason most of my friends think religion is important
has to do with holiday traditions and raising children. A former
roommate of mine, who is Jewish, said she definitely would never
marry anyone who would want to put up a Christmas tree or make her
kids go to Sunday school. She also said, however, that if it were
someone who is not Jewish, but could be converted – or wouldn’t
mind honoring Jewish tradition – she would be OK with that type of
situation.

A Catholic friend took a similar viewpoint. Her boyfriend’s
family is Jewish, but doesn’t really practice the faith, and since
she isn’t a devout Catholic, she doesn’t mind the idea of marrying
him as long as she can set up a Christmas tree next to the
menorah.

However, religion in relationships is important to me and to
some of my other friends, for a deeper and more personal reason
than tradition (although I wouldn’t give up Christmas and Easter
for anything). My friend Jill would like her future partner to be
able to share the side of her that is connected to God and to her
spirituality. She said that the friends closest to her are the ones
with whom she has prayed and felt a spiritual connection.

Thus, though she is open to other possibilities, she hopes her
true love will be one with whom she can share this side of her, and
I know many students who feel the same way. I, too, always believed
that my true love would share a spiritual life with me.

Because Jill and I consider ourselves accepting of other people,
and because we understand and respect that others are of faiths
different from ours (which make them as peaceful and happy as ours
makes us), we have often discussed the difficulties of reconciling
religious acceptance with the wish for "a match made in heaven." I
would be very upset if someone was not accepting of my religion; I
do not think I have the right to pass judgment on others in that
way, either.

College is a time when people usually look to or turn away from
religion, as well as when they seek true love. Somehow, on the
collegiate road to self-discovery, I have come to a few too many
confusing street signs.

On one hand, I have always believed that true love is blind and
that there is a perfect person for me. True love doesn’t see class,
color, religion or nationality barriers.

On the other hand, since I was a little girl, I dreamed that
when I would marry someone and commit to him forever, it would mean
forever – as in after death. I always thought that a truly
rewarding relationship must function on a spiritual level as well,
and if I couldn’t relate to someone that way, I was not sure I
could be truly happy.

This personal conflict came to haunt me a few nights ago, as I
talked on the phone to my boyfriend, Brian. Brian told me that
right now he doesn’t believe in God. I told him I was sorry for
him. A heated debate began that lasted for two hours, making us
both frustrated, tired and sad (and making me dread my next phone
bill). A lot of philosophy was thrown out in those two hours, and a
lot of personal feelings were at stake.

I told Brian about my lifelong definition of true love, and he
told me that from what he had learned, my religion was invented by
humans to explain that which they fear.

After we hung up, I started thinking. Would God want two people
who love each other very much to quarrel in such an ugly way? If
Brian’s Darwinian theories are true, then why are we wasting our
short time alive by fighting about whether there is an
afterlife?

It was at that time that I realized something. What I have with
Brian is a beautiful thing. He knows more about me than anyone but
God; he is the only human being that can make me so happy, and he
is the most caring, gentle person I know. Only my God could have
chosen someone so perfect for me, and it is not up to me to
question.

Religion is a very personal consideration, and I believe that it
should always be discussed in relationships. But religion is also
about love, peace and happiness on earth. Without those purposes,
the spirituality I seek to honor cannot exist.

I still believe a spiritual relationship can be ideal. However,
I now think that to restrict someone’s faith and put an otherwise
heavenly relationship in jeopardy would be the biggest mistake of
my life.

Hartel is a third-year economics and English/American studies
student. Her column appears on alternate Fridays.

Sherry HartelComments to [email protected]