Heaven help me: Bibles blitz Bruin Walk

Heaven help me: Bibles blitz Bruin Walk

Disclaimer: The events and persons in this column are
fictitious. Any relation to reality is purely coincidental. All
rights reserved. In other words, if this column disturbs you in any
way, shape or form, consider just doing the crossword puzzle!

A quick glance at Bruin Walk reveals only the brick-paved road,
the luscious trees which adorn and accent the construction
paneling, and the occasional squirrel scuttering across the paths
of students. However, the trained eye easily discerns the veritable
minefield of pamphlet-pushing, condemnation-selling "preacher
teachers" who frequent the hallowed halls of this fine
institution.

To begin with, a degree of clarity is called for in order to
place this column in the correct perspective. My own personal
experience (which is definitely not completely objective nor
all-consuming) is riddled with occasions of Christians (or those of
a similar nature) pushing flyers, pamphlets and leaflets into my
empty hands as I attempted to traverse the steep incline of Bruin
Walk. How many of you students know the experiences I speak of? Can
I get a "Hallelujah, Amen?!"

They appear to come in all sizes, shapes and colors, and varying
degrees of righteousness.

The first class of religious zealot is affectionately termed the
"cordial converter." They are the polite and well-mannered
individuals who respectfully invite students to spend a few moments
talking about God, the Bible and so forth. These are perhaps the
most dangerous because their approach invokes a feeling of guilt or
sympathy in the victim.

You may feel obligated to spend only a minute or two questioning
the nature of theology from a Christian standpoint, but do not give
in. One minute turns into 30, and before you know it, you missed
your class and your lunch morphed into a cold, soggy squirrel
snack. Always be kind in declining the invitation, but speed is of
the essence in this situation.

The second type of assailant is classified as the "sanctimonious
shadow" or the "holy hound." These person(s) approach students even
as they walk or, in my case, run. Their persistence rivals only
their insistence that you join their Bible study or church group.
It is almost as if they briefly suction themselves to your body and
systematically drain your body of all resistance.

However, never under any circumstance reveal your true identity,
phone number or address because they will call, stop by and even
offer to shuttle you to their biblical gatherings. Refusing this
type of approach is difficult. I suggest immediate refusal, evasive
action and speaking in tongues. If all else fails, whip out the
name tag that reads, "Hello, my name is SATAN. Can I help you?"

The final category of scripture-spewing savior is the "preacher
teacher" or the "religious exhibitionist," if you will. These
people typically stand alone with their banners and bullhorns and
vocalize, at high decibels, the gospel and word of God (from their
point of view only, of course).

These primarily harmless "preacher teachers" only disturb the
low roar of student voices along Bruin Walk during lunch hour. They
even provide some form of free public entertainment. So stand and
listen or sit and turn the volume up on your Walkman, but give
these people some credit for possessing the courage to stand before
hundreds of students and make their speeches.

However, many is the time that I have been told by the
aforementioned persons that a whoremongering, corrupt, lost demonic
soul such as myself was bound for hell. In fact, I appear to
possess a first-class ticket to the luxurious resort of Hades,
equipped with full accommodations and a burning lake of sulfur. Let
us examine the idea that I, like many other students, belong to the
fiery pits of the underworld unless we do this, that or the other
thing.

Some of the finger-pointing religious enthusiasts claim that the
road to paradise requires a life of good deeds and good will. In
other words, love thy neighbor and ye shall prosper. Cool, huh? But
how much is enough? Was refraining from smacking my friend this
morning the good deed which put me over the top? Or need I battle
it out with the Pope and Mother Teresa for a spot in God’s
kingdom?

Still other zealots say that it is not the measure of worth by
man’s standards which guarantees salvation, but the acceptance of
God and the Holy Trinity into my heart which shall grant me eternal
peace. Okay … so the other 6 billion people on this planet who
choose another religion, or no religion at all, should simply
realize the folly of their ways and convert. Sorry, but not in this
lifetime.

A few other campus-dwelling religious revelers propose that my
condemnation to hell is unavoidable because I am human and tainted
with sin. It seems that I was born into sin and just can’t get rid
of it. I’m just a rebel, and I’ll never be any good. Hey, what the
heck? If that’s true, then let the party begin, and when I die, may
I be well stocked with marshmallows and a package of Smores. Burn,
baby, burn. However, if hell ever did freeze over, I may find my
situation rather complicated.

What do all these claims to righteousness and salvation really
mean? Well, I kind of see it like this: Since the world is full of
people of different color, race, ethnicity, culture, language and
origin, then perhaps it is possible that our varied interpretations
and religious practices are but one in the same. Most religions
that I am aware of preach the same ideals of kindness, morality and
good will. The largest differences seem to arise out of contrasts
in practice or ritual, not thought.

Besides, religion is now a choice. An individual is free to
accept which ever religion(s), he or she chooses or does not
choose. Yet, the ideal of contentment with oneself holds true. If
you need God to feel satisfied and happy, then more power to you.
But if you do not, then live long and prosper.

Some religions provide us with the hope of an afterlife filled
with glory, peace and happiness. These promises of faith convince
many people to live their lives according to the doctrines of a
particular religion. But why do so many live their lives based upon
the occurrences after death, and not upon the events in life?

A wise man once said, "The greatest fear in death is the fear of
knowing that you did not live as you should have." In other words,
live as you know best and come hell or high water, death will not
fill you with an eternity of regret. Until next time, may your soul
be blessed with the droppings of pigeons from on high.

Kim not only slices and dices, but makes julienne fries, too,
and can be yours for only four easy payments of $29.95. Order now,
operators are standing by. He is a third-year political
science/business student. His column appears on alternate
Wednesdays.Comments to [email protected]