A proposal to fulfill basic ASUCLA needs, cheap

A proposal to fulfill basic ASUCLA needs, cheap

I shouldn’t have done it, but I just felt the urge at the time.
I was hypnotized, my right hand uncontrollably grabbing tongs from
several of the Plexiglass bins. By the end of the whole ordeal, I
had emptied my wallet of $4.54 to walk out of the Rx candy store
with a sizable amount of sour tangles and gummi products.

Within a half hour, the bag was empty, left only with remains of
sugar and bits of the sour crap that makes my bald head itch and my
face tweak out of shape. I slumped over in my chair and my stomach
was getting its revenge for being force-fed the sweet and sour
replacement for its regular mac-and-cheese dinner diet. That sure
was stupid of me.

The stomachache wasn’t the worst part, though. The fact that I
had forked out another five of my bucks to ASUCLA was the ultimate
kick in the groin. Throughout my half-decade in existence here at
UCLA, this campus corporation has found every possible way to
separate me from my earnings. Every time I asked questions, this
campus monopoly would only give excuses: something about a
recession or a natural disaster. Then, it would hike up a few
prices here and there. Now, once again, I had fallen into its
trap.

Well, no more. I’m not going to take this crap anymore! I’m
going to stand up for my rights and … what’s that? Oh, that’s
right. I forgot. I’ve got that stupid facial expression
accompanying this article, so I should tone down all seriousness
and crank up the stupidity levels inside my cranium. Thanks for the
reminder.

Okay, I’m back to abnormal mode. I’ve made a few observations
lately that I think the ASUCLA Board of Directors may be interested
in hearing about. These suggestions will not only boost morale and
customer satisfaction, they will ultimately bring this $80 million
corporation PROFITS.

You heard right. Money. Jason Reed couldn’t get it and he got
the boot. (Natural High Committee, take note: The news of his
firing was definitely a high for this bald guy.) Hold on to the
"Under New Management" banner because it’s now my turn. Maybe you
board members may even consider making me the next executive
director before Alpha Partners turns our students’ association to
APUCLA instead.

Let’s start with the basic needs: the campus restrooms. While
immaculate toilet seats and graffiti-free stalls would be great,
they seem to exist only in an idealistic world. Instead, let’s
focus on other aspects of "clean." After doing time on the ceramic
bowl, wouldn’t you love to get a hold of toilet paper that actually
does its job? Too often, the current half-ply sheets have failed
miserably. They’re coarse and feel like sandpaper. In addition,
they frequently rip and cause your fingers to get … well, you
know.

I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I could wash my hands. Those
dispensers next to the sinks are always filled with soap, but
they’re not any good if the pumps don’t work. Hmm, I wonder how the
food service employees are able to wash their hands …

ASUCLA Suggestion #1:

Get better toilet paper and soap dispensers. As they always say:
A happy pooper is a happy customer!

The other day at lunch, I went to get a Treehouse sandwich.
"Would you like cheese with that?" the server asked. I nonchalantly
nodded yes. The slice was slapped on and I proceeded to the
register line. The cashier rang up the total and I left in
astonishment, shocked that I was charged 43 cents for a slice of
cheese. 43 cents?! Isn’t the difference between a McDonald’s
hamburger and the upgraded cheeseburger a dime? Unless students’
association cheese is more than four times better than that of fast
food joints, customers are going to feel royally ripped.
Eventually, the demand for the dairy product will become
extinct.

ASUCLA Suggestion #2:

Since everyone already knows about the plainclothed security
officers, change their job description to include undercover cheese
retailer positions. Next time, comments like "that much for cheese?
… forget it!" are heard, these retailers in trench coats and dark
glasses can approach the consumers and entice them with black
market deals: "Psst. I hear you want cheese. I can get you a
decent-sized slice for only 30 cents." After the transaction has
taken place, the customers will leave content and the students’
association will minimize its losses.

Problems arise when a business is in a slump and must reduce
expenditures. Unfortunately, with newspaper ads costing hundreds of
dollars, advertising is among the things cut. Big mistake. So, how
do you advertise your products without sacrificing big bucks?

ASUCLA Suggestion #3:

Have monthly student elections. As is evident from both last
week and this week, campaigners spend much time and energy to
publicize candidate names. If you haven’t noticed by now, the new
trend is to imitate corporate logos for sandwich boards, signboards
and flyers. Only a few of these campaigns have failed (e.g., that
fast food logo-copying candidate, before the cheesey J-Board
ruling. Why would anyone want to be known as the In-N-Out
candidate, anyway?)

Okay, so the Students First! candidates have been successful
because they have experience to back up their stances on issues,
but admit it; how many of you, after encountering campaigners all
day, had the urge to bite into a York Peppermint Patty, buy Nike
shoes or gulp down a soft drink? This free advertising could do
wonders for our students’ association.

To those board members still reading, these were only a few of
my suggestions. This consultation has been provided to you free of
charge. You can choose to follow or ignore it. But, the next time
you’re in a financial crunch without any of my suggestions
implemented, don’t come begging me for more money. See the rest of
you eighth week.

Tsai is a fifth-year senior, majoring in chihuahua mating calls.
His columns appear on alternate Tuesdays.