UCLA needs a few rules to lose by these days

UCLA needs a few rules to lose by these days

Chris Schreiber

Let’s just assume for a minute that this UCLA football team will
lose the remainder of their games (which they won’t) to continue
their current, three-game slide.

Fans bemoaning the record of their team, once a proud 2-0, can
look on the bright side ­ there are a lot of cool things that
can happen when your team ends up on the losing end of the zero-sum
equation.

You see, most people think losing is always a bad thing. I beg
to differ. Losing can be cool ­ if it’s done right. Just
remember, there are some key rules to follow, and be forewarned
­ deviation from these rules will get you labeled things like
"disappointing," and "once filled with potential."

Loser Rule No. 1: establish a "lovable loser" persona. You know,
the guy who tries his hardest but never comes out on top, never
gets the breaks, never gets the girl. But that’s just it. Once that
persona is firmly rooted, the breaks are all yours. Marv
Throneberry, ’65 Mets­ he made a mint doing commercials that
played up his team’s ineptitude.

This is probably the most important rule of them all, which I
suppose is why it’s rule number one. Poor sports, bad losers,
crybabies ­ everybody roots against them. How many people have
wanted to slap that whiny little expression off of Danny Ainge’s
face? So while being hated can be desirable at times, it’s not
recommended in this situation.

Instead, you need to play up how hard you’re trying, and how,
darn it, someday you’ll turn things around. People who ruin your
chances at doing just that are then seen as cold and heartless, the
kind that would kick Benji if they saw a clean shot.

Try to perfect lines like, "Naw, I don’t get down. How can I get
down with fans like this supporting me?" (not recommended for
Philadelphia residents) and "We’ll get ’em next time, I swear
it."

Loser Rule No. 2: Always, always, accept blame for the loss,
even if you throw a perfect pass that bounces off your receiver’s
hand.

Fans like that kind of nobility because they know who was really
at fault. If it really was your fault, find a way to make it sound
okay. "Yeah, I take full responsibility, I blew it. I know, it’s
just been hard to concentrate what with my mother and all, but,
hey, it’s okay…". Tail off and then come back with the
aforementioned phrases.

Which brings us to Loser Rule No. 3: Don’t be ashamed to admit
that you weren’t the best at what you did. At least you were good
at losing. Look at Bob Uecker: career .200 hitter, destined for
Mendoza-line annals. What did he turn it into? Oh, just a
post-baseball career as the butt of everyone’s jokes, for a
premium. Sure, he has to walk around with wet paint on his back,
lose to children at tennis, look like an idiot, but hey — the man
was on the ‘in’ with Lynn Belvedere.

Uecker’s experience is typical of the proud-but-unsuccessful.
Players who wallow in mediocrity, or even at the lower echelon of
success — well, they don’t meet the rich and famous. Anthony
Young, Mr. 0-27 himself? He’s been on Letterman. Curt Schilling?
Conan O’Brien if he’s lucky.

Loser Rule No. 4: Public humiliation can open doors for you.
What’s the name of the guy who recovered a fumble in the Super
Bowl, returned it upfield, started hot-dogging at the five-yard
line, only to have the ball and his glory stripped at the goal
line? Leon Lett.

Now, who’s the Raiders’ gutty, veteran center who’s been a
Pro-Bowler several times in his career? Why, it’s Don Mosebar.

Now which one did you know?

Loser Rule No. 5: Losing streaks can be as fun as winning
streaks. Teams that finish 5-5 are disappointing because they
probably should have won a couple more. But there’s no doubting
that a team which finishes 1-9 probably didn’t even deserve to win
that one game.

One suggestion for the team that finishes 1-9 — try to place
the win at an opportune time. If you win the first game of the
year, it can take some of the thunder out of your losing streak.
Winning the fifth game merely divides your season into two mediocre
four or five-game losing streaks. Those are a dime a dozen.

It’s probably best if the win comes in the last game of the
season, against your vastly-superior cross-town rival, but stuff
like that is generally saved for movies.

What I suggest is to win in the ninth game, putting you on the
newscasts two weeks in a row. When you win, it leads the
highlights. The next week, "you returned to your lovable ways."

Loser Rule No. 6: Sentences that begin, "Former star of …" are
usually sad reminders of days gone by. Sentences that begin,
"Former member of …" means that you probably moved on to better
things.

Loser Rule No. 7: Fans not only root for underdogs, they go to
see them. Fan bases can be established one of two ways. Put
together a highly successful program, win at all costs, root out
the sissy players who are in it for fun and education, and recruit
the high-powered boosters who grease pockets like squeaky
hinges.

The other way is to play up the throwback approach you’ve taken
to the game. "We field players who try," you say. Draw attention to
the players, not the uniforms, the 5-8 speedster ignored by the
"big schools."

Look at Columbia. They lost more college football games over
more seasons than most even thought possible. Who gets featured in
Sports Illustrated? They do. Sure, Miami might get some publicity
too, but they get the lion’s share of the negative kind.

And that’s the key to the whole business of losing. If you do it
right, the possibilities are endless. And who said losers never
win? Probably a winner.