“And they lived happily ever after. ...”
Let’s face it: We’re not kids anymore. It’s the unfortunate truth. Not all relationships are going to end well. And yet we can’t help but look back at the Disney movies from our youth and wonder where all the love went.
Jasmine and Aladdin were able to work past their “lover-from-the-wrong-side-of-the-tracks” issues. Ariel and Eric continued on strong despite their communication problems.
As the Disney generation, we feel that we will be able to get through whatever problems we encounter in our relationships.
But it’s about time we admit to ourselves that some problems just can’t be worked through, and maybe it’s not that we’re giving up on a relationship, but rather just getting smart.
Many of us have stayed in a relationship long past its proverbial expiration date. There is a fine line between fighting for a relationship that you’re happy in and fighting for a relationship that you’ve just grown accustomed to.
Although it’s difficult to let go, you can usually tell that breaking up might be for the best when “you’re trying too hard, or you feel like you’re getting hurt too much,” said Joel Garcia, a fourth-year English student.
We are supposed to turn to our significant others when there are problems – not have the main problems in our lives be our significant others.
But despite the problems that continue to arise, we persist.
The dinners get a little more silent and awkward, filled with conversations that consist mainly of “How’s your food?” The fights become more frustrating in their repetition. Even the makeup sex is not worth it anymore.
If things become so tense, why do we continue?
“You’re comfortable being with the person, but after awhile, you’re not getting all that you want out of the relationship, but it’s there, so it’s hard to stop,” said third-year communication studies and English student Alan Ai.
You not only invest a lot of time and work into maintaining a relationship, but you also end up giving so much of yourself to the other person that breaking up isn’t just leaving that person, but rather leaving behind a part of yourself as well.
And frankly, it’s terrifying to just walk away from someone who is such a significant part of your life.
But we shouldn’t see breaking up as this big dead end. We should rather see it as an end to something that was good in the past, and that we don’t have to cling to define ourselves.
It’s the aftermath of a breakup that is the most daunting. You have to tell your family and friends; you no longer think in terms of “we”; and then the most dreaded moment: changing your Facebook status from “In a Relationship” to “Single” as the cursed Mini-Feed callously declares your recent loss to all.
But remember that your relationship isn’t you. It’s merely a part of your life, and in no way does it embody your entire personality. It hurts to let go of the past, but the relationship may be hurting you more.
You have to take that chance; feel unsafe. Then be brave enough to continue feeling unsafe once the relationship has ended. This will actually be what ends up defining you and making you a better person.
I speak from personal experience.
Except that it took a lot of physical distance – an entire ocean, in fact – until I learned to put emotional distance between myself and an old relationship. It wasn’t until I studied abroad in Europe that I finally gained a sense of independence.
The breakup was painful, but I survived it. After the hurt, I can say that I’ve truly grown.
I was able to experience life without inhibitions, and I had a chance to redefine myself as an individual and not as part of a couple.
You don’t actually need to put an entire ocean between you and an old significant other, but what matters most is forcing yourself to be independent and to live a life that doesn’t involve that person.
Take some risks, and after you experience life on your own, you will have a better idea of what you want out of it.
The perspective comes later: “I feel that every relationship you’re in is a reflection of yourself. ... You just take what you can from the relationship: You bottle what’s good. ... You learn, and you become a stronger person for it,” said Vanessa Davis, a fourth-year psychology student.
So maybe you won’t have the Disney-perfect ending you imagined as a child – but who needs it? Stop dwelling on the past and focus instead on a future that could be so much brighter.
Want to talk about relationships over a pint of ice cream, or just don’t want to feel guilty eating a pint of ice cream alone? E-mail Amabel at apoblador@media.ucla.edu. Send general comments to viewpoint@media.ucla.edu.