Me 'N Youtube

Robert Sylvester Kelly is back again, and he’s discussing an age-old, but still relevant issue of “arguin’ wit’ cho girl” over the phone.

In this ultra-low budget clip, Kells proves that he’s not just off the deep end – he’s having an underwater tea party.

The lyrics are made up of dialogue sung in the same schtick vein as Kelly’s 2005 musical series “Trapped in the Closet,” or this year’s summer jam duet with Usher, “Same Girl.” As a result, some of the lines from “Real Talk” will probably end up in your daily vernacular by the end of the year. They include such gems as: “Just because your friend say she saw me at a club with some other bitches / Sitting in VIP smoking and drinking and kicking it”; “Is you tweakin’?”; and “Real Talk.”

The song also includes probably the funniest thing that has come out of Kells’ mouth since “I’m the Martin Luther King (of today),” but I won’t spoil it. It has something to do with his deep understanding of scatological processes.

It also happens to be shot in Kelly’s basement studio on a Sony Handycam or something, which only makes it more surreal. I guess it’s just Kells trying to appeal to the YouTube generation. He probably thinks all these kids on the Internet are tired of big budget videos with girls, cars and T-Pain. So, to make “Real Talk” extra real, Kells shot it himself. In the intro, with his hair half-braided and from behind bug-eyed Gucci shades, he says why he did it.

“I decided to do ... ‘Real Talk’ on YouTube. ... We goin’ be real. ... I’m doin’ this for the fans that I know, around the globe, that love ‘Real Talk.’”

This is of course, to say nothing of the semi-realistic fight between members of R’s posse.

What’s going on? I thought I had a handle on the ever-fluctuating irony/sincerity balance in regard to R. Kelly. I came away from all 22 chapters of “Trapped in the Closet” thinking that Kells was having the last laugh, even if it was a little funnier to think it was unintentionally funny. But now, I’m not even sure. Kelly’s taste for nonsense is too unrelenting for me to take him seriously, but he must be laughing all the way to the bank, right? He’s the No. 1 selling male R&B artist. So, part of me still thinks he knows what he’s doing. Either way, this video will make your month.

P.S. I’d also like to know which side in R. Kelly’s trial would use this for evidence? Prosecution to prove that he’s depraved and weird? Or defense to prove that he’s just straight up insane? Discuss.

– Jake Ayres

E-mail Ayres at jayres@media.ucla.edu