FASHION OR WHATEVER: Tween paraphernalia catches Bieber fever

Is it me, or does anyone think this whole Justin Bieber craze is a tad much?

I’m not trying to be sassy or anything, I’m actually very serious. It’s as if fans see Bieber as a mythological unicorn, nurtured by the hand of Usher and now a messianic figure to the millions of screaming adolescents, and even those who are way past the age of adolescence.

However, I see him as the product-pusher of a lifetime. Slap his name on something and it’ll go flying off the shelves like Silly Bandz. But to those transfixed by his eye-grazing bangs and glossy pout, Bieber is God, what with his sassy purple jackets and pseudo-sagging white jeans.

And I’m not trying to eviscerate the Tao of Bieber here. If anything, I’m trying to understand the power of someone who can influence tween product placement so ferociously.

Granted, we as students are way past the days of sleepovers with mocktails and sticker earrings. However, when millions of bottles of Bieber nail polish with names such as “One Time Lime” and “One Less Lonely Glitter” are being cleared off the shelves, there has to be some moment for pause here.

It’s an epidemic called Bieber fever, in which legions of fans foam at the mouth for anything Bieber-related. From the more innocent printed T-shirt emblazoned with the singer’s puppy-like mug to the more suggestive Bieber-themed thong, the boy has got a hold on millions of dollars of merchandise.

He’s like bacon ““ wrap bacon around anything, and it’s sure to sell out within seconds. Wrap Bieber’s face around a lollipop and it’ll be the candy du jour at the local middle school.

Third-year psychobiology student Monique Atwal, who attended Bieber’s concert last year during the Wango Tango Music Festival, can attest to this craze. Atwal said that many of the fans she saw were crying at the sight of the singer. To elicit such a catharsis over a song titled “U Smile” is just a sign of the numbed times, where misspelled words become hit songs.

In all reality, he’s a teenage boy with a bowl-cut who looks just like Dani Campbell, one of the contestants vying for Tila Tequila’s affections in the MTV reality show “A Shot at Love With Tila Tequila.” Anyone who has watched the show or is able to search Google images knows what I’m talking about.

Second-year sociology student Lovlean Purewal said she’s interested in what he’d look like once he passes puberty. In fact, what I most anticipate from the singer is the onslaught of facial hair that will ensue. Will people still buy lime green nail polish endorsed by Bieber when he develops a beard? Only time, or a sudden testosterone spurt, will tell.

But remember, Bieber is only 16 (going on 17) years old. Nail polishes, thongs and T-shirts aside, he’s still a kid who doesn’t know how to handle the magnitude of his own tresses.

Case in point; Bieber turned up at the Grammys this Sunday in an ill-fitting all-white Gucci suit. It’s like showing up to a premiere in a white limousine like it’s senior prom in 1998. The naivete is just all too much.

If you have Bieber fever or own a piece of Bieber paraphernalia that you may or may not make out with, e-mail Jue at [email protected]

“Fashion or Whatever” runs every Wednesday.