Banning smoking is illogical

Ancient legends speak of winged serpents, whose claws pierce armor and lungs breathe fire. Their wingspan so fearsome and methods so wicked, the Bible likened Satan himself unto their vile form.

These feral fire-breathers were signs, bad omens; they brought plague and misfortune to those upon whom their presence fell. Peasant and lord alike feared for the safety of their children, and the names of those few souls brave enough to vanquish the spitters of smoke and flame live on in fame and glory, forever.

There are no dragons here on campus. But in this day and age, there is still cause for alarm from those whose lungs emit the chars of fire and brimstone.

We’ve seen them all around the grounds, walking with our heads turned low: the ash of withered embers, the butts of stogies gone by. How painful a sight for my receptive eyes!

The culprits, those neglectful fire-breathers, litter the land with remnants of their vicious vice while we, the poor abstainers, must reap the bitter crops their smoking habits sowed.

And it’s not just the grounds they’ve soiled, or the air they’ve dirtied, but our very culture that’s at stake with their impious pollution!

Researchers at the world-renowned Stanford University have used science to prove that being within a colossal 18 inches of a smoker outdoors for an hour can be just as dangerous as being in an enclosed smoking environment. Eighteen inches is too much to ask!

With our campus growing evermore crowded and the world’s population multiplying in ways Malthus never foresaw, I fear I will be perpetually within 18 inches of the people around me! I am bound to live forever in fear of the horde of smokers swarming from all sides. Never will I escape the foul fumes of suffocation.

It is not enough that they’re already confined to outdoor environments, 25 feet away from building entrances. It is not enough that they’re already restricted from smoking in any setting where people can’t avoid their poisoned puffs.

Their very presence here on campus is a dastardly threat to my liberty and the smoke-free environment promised me by my forefathers. Oh, how they longed to breathe in air not stained by the ubiquitous nicotine gray of Manila. How they yearned to waft in the clean sunshine of Los Angeles.

So long as we, as a public university, tolerate smoking, we are no less than respecting the rights of individuals to enjoy their own habits.

And this is unconscionable for a public institution. Was not our nation founded on the principle of appeasing others? Is not our Constitution predicated on the imposition of morals?

The University of Minnesota, Duluth banned smoking three years ago, and for this I applaud them. Director of health services Katherine Morris described the move as an attempt to create a nonsmoking culture. There are now at least 381 similarly smoke-free college campuses. That’s at least 381 steps in the right direction.

It is our duty, as a public institution of higher learning, to indoctrinate the future of America with the lifestyle we deem appropriate ““ while they’re still young, impressionable and malleable in their beliefs.

And if that doesn’t work, we must prohibit their deviant behavior to instill in them the values we uphold.

How much longer must we suffer our children to be influenced by the cool, attractive appearance of these ignoble addicts?

Our brothers at Berkeley recently ran a column calling for the blanket ban of smoking cigarettes on campus. Let us follow their example and take arms against the vicious beasts on ours!

We cannot act rashly. We must start with the ashtrays ““ strip our campus of what little of them it has. Then, enforce a stringent policy of designated smoking areas, few in number, and out of reach. The penalties for snuffing butts outside the ashtrays and for smoking in no-smoke zones must be so devastating, so unrelenting and so expensive as to make quitting the only rational choice.

And once we’ve confined the lingering subclass of smokers into these ghastly ghettos, away from our pure stock, we can begin enacting the necessary political efforts to instate the final solution: smoking prohibition.

No longer shall individual choice be honored. No longer shall the whim of the majority be restrained by the petty “rights” of a minority.

The pleasures of the few shall not come at the expense of the comfort of the many! And those who don’t like it can take their butts elsewhere.

For by allowing smoking to continue in any form on campus, we are essentially accepting that others may live differently than we do.

And this slippery slope of relativistic broad-minded tolerance can only lead to disaster.

If you need a light, e-mail Manalastas at [email protected]. Send general comments to [email protected].